Dear Teri:

You are welcome. A  summary of what you shared about this man, who is not the father of your children (a very important fact): while  living with you he was out of work for 3 years, doing side jobs only for his father, and “not really contributing to anything but groceries”. While living with you, and you paying the bills,  he at one time or another he “talked sexually to some female… in a hidden place on his phone”. Also, he was “on and off” with your kids.

When he did get a job he didn’t want to pay household bills because he wanted to save his money for (an expensive) car. So he saved his money, put down $6,000 for a car, and eventually started helping with bills six months ago, August of last year.

You were so  distressed living with him that you were having “chest pains, headaches and stomach aches”, and you tried to break up the relationship, which would have meant that he would need to move out of your home. He then blamed you for “giving up on him like everyone else he knew and that I was no better than them”. Successfully manipulated to feel guilty, as if you were a mother who was abandoning her little boy, you had “let him talk (you) into continuing the relationship”.

Currently he is “paying his 30% of the bills” and he pays more attention to your kids, doesn’t help much with cleaning and cooking even though he arrives from work before you do, leaving the dishes unwashed and bathrooms uncleaned, or tidying his part of the room.

In your recent post you wrote: “if we split, he has no where to go and that has been a huge factor in my not speaking on the issue again”-

– but what if him having nowhere to go is a huge factor in his being nicer to you and your kids?

“I feel horrible because he really has been trying lately”- what if he is trying lately because he is only paying 30% of the bills?

“he really has been trying lately”- it may not be about love at all, but about his practical, financial considerations.

“Even this morning he says we should kiss more outside of physical intimacy and I’m like slowly dying inside while I smile and say ok”-

– you felt so badly when he said that this morning because you think he said that out of affection for you, and you didn’t feel affection back for him. But ..again, what if he offered to kiss you outside of physical intimacy not because he felt affection for you, but because he ..feels affection toward paying the smaller part of the bills, and saving a whole lot of money if he had to live by himself, not having extras for whatever he likes?

If that is his motivation, and you  consider it to be his motivation, you wouldn’t feel bad, would you?

You wrote yesterday: “I’m not the most perfect woman to be in a relationship with.. Am I ungrateful because I won’t try harder? Because I harbor such resentment and anger? Should I try harder?… maybe I should just be grateful someone is trying to love me?”-

First, it may very well be not a case of someone trying to love you, but someone trying to stay in a home where he pays only part of the bills, as well as the cooking and household work done for him, as well as sex being available for him, as well as figuring that if he  is unemployed again, he has you to pay all of the bills.

Second, your guilt is his weapon. He is  not your minor child, you didn’t bring him into this world. He is a capable man, capable of working and making money. You owe him nothing. When you break up with him, you are not abandoning him.

The guilt that you feel is blinding  you to who this man is- just because you are imperfect (and what woman is perfect?) doesn’t mean that you are destined to tolerate such a very, very.. very imperfect man. I don’t think that you are that imperfect! After all, you financially supported him for so  long.. that’s.. perfectly perfect for a man who wants a woman to financially and practically support him!

You feeling anger at him, that is understandable.

I do hope you break up with him according to a reasonable, sensible, safe plan and carry that plan. It will be easier for you to carry this plan if you see him the way he is, if you are thinking something like: hmmm… it is not that he wants to kiss  me because he loves me, but because he loves paying only 30% of the bills.. and having me as insurance for a time when he is unemployed again and then he would pay nothing at all, just like before.

In your plan, consider what he will do to change your mind and how you will respond to those things, so you won’t have to suffer his many tactics that he will use so to get his way.

Please feel free to post anytime and I will be glad to reply to you anytime you  do post.

anita