February 10, 2020 at 10:30 am #337416
Hey friends, I’m new here. Just trying to get this out before the bf gets back.
I’m struggling because I am terrified and I don’t know why. I’m not like scared for my life or anything, but I’m just terrified. In the summer of 19, I tried to break up with my bf. I’d had enough of him. He’d been out of work for 3 years, working side jobs and helping his dad out but not really contributing to anything but groceries. When he got his job, he said I told him not to give me any money for bills, just save to get his car (really? I said that? With 2 kids? ok…) so he didn’t start helping with bills until August, after he put down $6k on his car. By then, I was up to my eyeballs fed up. Not to mention every single year we’ve been together, he’s talked sexually to some female on the phone, even had the audacity to put the apps he was talking to them on in a hidden place in his phone. He told me he never meant any of it, but ok like I believe that…
So by the time I finally had the courage to say enough was enough, I was in turmoil. I mean, physically I was having chest pains, headaches and stomach aches. I did not want to be the one but I knew I had to be. I confronted him and told him we needed to part ways. It took so much out of me. We fought for days.. He kept telling me I was giving up on him like everyone else he knew and that I was no better than them. And that’s how I felt too.. I didn’t want to abandon him. So I let him talk me into continuing the relationship. He said we’d go to counseling, which we did about 3 times. Nothing resolved there so we stopped going.
I knew I had fxxked up by not standing my ground… Fast forward to today. I feel so much resentment towards him that its hard for me to stomach being in the same space as him some days. When its good, its great. He has stepped up to being more communicative with the kids. They love that. He has been paying his 30% of the bills… But all I can think about it how messed up I am that he hid apps from me, all the times I let him into my heart and my head and he screwed me over, how I tried to be more intimate and it still got me nowhere with him, how my kids needed him to be there for them this whole time but he was on and off, how there’s a certain way a man should treat his woman and I don’t get that. I have to request for help with cleaning and cooking. We work the same hours and he gets home a half hour before me and he still “cant find the time” to wash the dishes or clean the bathroom or his side of the room. I think about how I can’t go to the club with my sister, because “he doesn’t go to those places with his friends” or why can’t it be the 3 of us instead of just me and her or why can’t I go see her on Sundays while he’s working..
There’s so much negativity within me.. But I cant tell him that. I am terrified. He’s better at the talk than I am. I already know he’s lied on me to others and I shouldn’t care but I do. I’m not the most perfect woman to be in a relationship with but I have tried with this one. I don’t understand why I can’t tell him why I know this is no longer the relationship for me. Am I ungrateful because I won’t try harder? Because I harbor such resentment and anger? Should I try harder? Or should I live the life I am supposed to live the way I want to live it? Most people do not understand autonomy, he certainly does not. But I am scared.. Why am I scared to do this again? He hasn’t given me much reason to complain – I don’t know if he’s still engaging in conversations because I stopped checking his phone a while ago, so maybe I should just be grateful someone is trying to love me. I’m just so hurt and I’ve never had time to be angry, I was always made to snap back into loving him. But I’m no longer in love. I no longer crave his touch. I used to have to beg him for affection.. Now he’s constantly up my a@ss and I just want to be like get away from me. We have so much fun together but I don’t see him as a life long partner anymore. When we are intimate, he will ask if I still want to have a kid with him and I say yes in that moment, even though I don’t mean it. I want to cry and he thinks its because we are connected, but that’s not it…
I’m sorry this was so long… I’m just scared of what will happen now when I say what I need to say…February 10, 2020 at 10:47 am #337440
If you break up with him in a different way than before, it will not be the “Same story- Different Year”- you can plan every step of the breakup and carry it through as planned, so you don’t wing it this time.
Part of the planning is separate living, the two of you living in different homes, part of the planning is child support, make it legal, other financial decisions and practical arrangement (co-parenting, hopefully) to accommodate separate living, etc.
What do you think?
anitaFebruary 11, 2020 at 6:41 am #337606
Thanks Anita. I will try that. I did map out everything last time even though I kind of blurted it out on our way to the grocery store in a slew of tears. I guess I did not expect him to fight me so hard, but now I know and I can be more prepared. It sucks because its like if we split, he has no where to go and that has been a huge factor in my not speaking on the issue again. But I drive to and from work daily with boulders on my shoulders because of this. We do not have kids together, the 2 are mine from previous relationships. I feel horrible because he really has been trying lately. Even this morning he says we should kiss more outside of physical intimacy and I’m like slowly dying inside while I smile and say ok… Thanks againFebruary 11, 2020 at 8:50 am #337624
You are welcome. A summary of what you shared about this man, who is not the father of your children (a very important fact): while living with you he was out of work for 3 years, doing side jobs only for his father, and “not really contributing to anything but groceries”. While living with you, and you paying the bills, he at one time or another he “talked sexually to some female… in a hidden place on his phone”. Also, he was “on and off” with your kids.
When he did get a job he didn’t want to pay household bills because he wanted to save his money for (an expensive) car. So he saved his money, put down $6,000 for a car, and eventually started helping with bills six months ago, August of last year.
You were so distressed living with him that you were having “chest pains, headaches and stomach aches”, and you tried to break up the relationship, which would have meant that he would need to move out of your home. He then blamed you for “giving up on him like everyone else he knew and that I was no better than them”. Successfully manipulated to feel guilty, as if you were a mother who was abandoning her little boy, you had “let him talk (you) into continuing the relationship”.
Currently he is “paying his 30% of the bills” and he pays more attention to your kids, doesn’t help much with cleaning and cooking even though he arrives from work before you do, leaving the dishes unwashed and bathrooms uncleaned, or tidying his part of the room.
In your recent post you wrote: “if we split, he has no where to go and that has been a huge factor in my not speaking on the issue again”-
– but what if him having nowhere to go is a huge factor in his being nicer to you and your kids?
“I feel horrible because he really has been trying lately”- what if he is trying lately because he is only paying 30% of the bills?
“he really has been trying lately”- it may not be about love at all, but about his practical, financial considerations.
“Even this morning he says we should kiss more outside of physical intimacy and I’m like slowly dying inside while I smile and say ok”-
– you felt so badly when he said that this morning because you think he said that out of affection for you, and you didn’t feel affection back for him. But ..again, what if he offered to kiss you outside of physical intimacy not because he felt affection for you, but because he ..feels affection toward paying the smaller part of the bills, and saving a whole lot of money if he had to live by himself, not having extras for whatever he likes?
If that is his motivation, and you consider it to be his motivation, you wouldn’t feel bad, would you?
You wrote yesterday: “I’m not the most perfect woman to be in a relationship with.. Am I ungrateful because I won’t try harder? Because I harbor such resentment and anger? Should I try harder?… maybe I should just be grateful someone is trying to love me?”-
First, it may very well be not a case of someone trying to love you, but someone trying to stay in a home where he pays only part of the bills, as well as the cooking and household work done for him, as well as sex being available for him, as well as figuring that if he is unemployed again, he has you to pay all of the bills.
Second, your guilt is his weapon. He is not your minor child, you didn’t bring him into this world. He is a capable man, capable of working and making money. You owe him nothing. When you break up with him, you are not abandoning him.
The guilt that you feel is blinding you to who this man is- just because you are imperfect (and what woman is perfect?) doesn’t mean that you are destined to tolerate such a very, very.. very imperfect man. I don’t think that you are that imperfect! After all, you financially supported him for so long.. that’s.. perfectly perfect for a man who wants a woman to financially and practically support him!
You feeling anger at him, that is understandable.
I do hope you break up with him according to a reasonable, sensible, safe plan and carry that plan. It will be easier for you to carry this plan if you see him the way he is, if you are thinking something like: hmmm… it is not that he wants to kiss me because he loves me, but because he loves paying only 30% of the bills.. and having me as insurance for a time when he is unemployed again and then he would pay nothing at all, just like before.
In your plan, consider what he will do to change your mind and how you will respond to those things, so you won’t have to suffer his many tactics that he will use so to get his way.
Please feel free to post anytime and I will be glad to reply to you anytime you do post.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.