Dear Lisa:

It is a good thing you do have a job that includes benefits. It is admirable that you still do take care of yourself financially.

You wrote in your recent post about people you encounter in the world: “the most vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them”.

Based on my years long communication with you, mostly in your previous thread, I am listing what I believe to be your four core beliefs:

Core Belief #1: you see men  as creeps who are “stomping all over the world and do whatever they want”

Core Belief #2: you see women as weak people who accommodate men and “go along with the creeps”.

Core Belief #3: You see yourself as a woman rebel who does not go along with the creeps and suffers for it.

Core Belief #4: the universe (as a higher power) wants you to suffer throughout your life, and therefore, it intentionally and repeatedly puts you in situations where people mistreat you.

Most recently, you suffered a customer treating  you passive-aggressively and you controlled your desire to call him up on it/ to rebel (“I went against my beliefs in order to stay calm and not lose my job, my benefits”), and because you didn’t act like the Rebel that you feel pride in, you feel instead like a coward (“That makes me a coward”).

The core beliefs I listed above are very rigid/ inflexible. You expressed these with consistency all through the months and years.

I am not a medical doctor or any type of health professional, but I can recommend to you that you see a health professional and be re-evaluated for the purpose of figuring out (if it wasn’t done so far) if you fit one or a combination of Cluster A personality disorders.

Wiki states the following about the symptoms in the cluster A,  schizotypical personality disorder:  “acute discomfort in close relationships, cognitive or perceptual distortions,  and eccentricities of behavior… have difficulties bonding with others and experience extreme anxiety n social situations. They tend to react inappropriately or not react at all during a conversation”

And it states the following regarding the symptoms in the Cluster A, paranoid personality disorder: “a pattern of irrational suspicion and mistrust of others, interpreting motivations as malevolent… interpret the actions of others as deliberately threatening and demeaning.. often resort to angry or aggressive outbursts”.

Maybe following a re-evaluation by a professional, preferably by a team of professionals, you can receive a better treatment than what you  have received so far, and maybe, so I hope, the poor quality of your experience can significantly improve.

anita