@genie Thanks, lovely! I am so glad that things are working out with your new boyfriend. He sounds like the security you need and you deserve it!

“Can you imagine what being with the right person will feel like if the wrong person made us think we found real love? It will be much more amazing. I want to be happy and only I can make myself happy so I have continued to push through.”

This is so true. I clearly have some more work to do before I get to that point but it will be worth it.

Your reflections on having an avoidant partner rang true too. I distinctly remember one time, being awake  crying while she slept next to me because she was so cold after being affectionate the last time she stayed over and thinking “a relationship shouldn’t feel like this”. Yet, instead of cutting my losses it only made me try harder, as us anxious types do! It makes me sad that I allowed a relationship to make me feel that way, but like you, determined to learn from it and try harder.

I found this article insightful and others may too:https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/  Especially this part:

“Moreover, anxious types tend to bond quickly and don’t take time to assess whether their partner can or wants to meet their needs. They tend to see things they share in common with each new, idealized partner and overlook potential problems. In trying to make the relationship work, they suppress their needs, sending the wrong signals to their partner in the long run. All of this behavior makes attaching to an avoider more probable. When he or she withdraws, their anxiety is aroused. Pursuers confuse their longing and anxiety for love rather than realizing it’s their partner’s unavailability that is the problem. It’s not themselves or anything they did or could do to change that. They hang in and try harder, instead of facing the truth and cutting their losses.”

I know that the solution lies in making myself more secure, and seeking secure relationships. Easier said than done but I want to really try. My next partner deserves a better version of myself. Pats on the back to all of us, for continuing to put in the work and strive for better even when sometimes it feels like nothing changes, and the path to happiness seems insurmountable. Being a human is hard, but we’re trying! Appreciate the encouragement and chance to get my thoughts down here as usual.