Dear Lindsey:

“he is extremely insensitive and does not think that hurting me will have an effect on his children”- can you explain to him that hurting a child’s mother is the same as hurting the child (a hurt mother will be a lesser mother to her children)?

“This all  makes me feel bad about myself and I’m not sure why”- here are a few possibilities in the form of a multiple choice question, read them when you are calm, and answer best you can:

Q: It hurts me that my soon-to-be ex husband is having a serious relationship with a woman so soon because of one or more of the following:

a. I feel like a loser because I don’t have any relationship with a man and the couple that I did have were far from stable and serious.

b. My children will get attached to the other woman in their life and they will love her more- and love me less.

c. Him being able to have a seeming solid long term relationship, when I don’t, means that  he is mentally healthy and I am messed up.

d. He is trying to hurt me but I can’t prove it, similar to my mother who tried to hurt me, but I wasn’t able to be sure that she did, or to prove it to her, or to anyone else.

f. Him being able to have what seems to be a healthy, loving relationship, means that the troubles in my marriage to him were my fault, not his, that I was/ am unhealthy and made terrible mistakes in that marriage.

g. He is spending money on another woman instead of on my children.

h. Something else: ___________________________________.

anita