I’m having a very weak day . My friend / mew boyfriend (we haven’t defined it yet or imay well not even get the chance now.)  He came back from his holiday. He was tired and I went round uninvited to see him but he wasn’t very enthusiastic. So I let my anxiety and mind go into over drive and started accusing him of being cold and having another person in the picture from holiday maybe. He is normally so patient but snapped and said he has tired and insulted i had accused him of cheating and that he has always been there for me working hard and taking it slow for me  ( I have been slow to get too physical because bonding like that is a vital part of a relationship so it frightens me as I worry what if I fall and lose him) he said he didn’t want to get into a barney and it would better if I left. So I left.

He left a message saying being in his position was so hard and he was trying. Then he hasn’t been in touch. He has switched off his phone. I’m scared now I ruined it. I ruined something good for me. I’m angry because my ex has a hold of my life still. He couldn’t make me happy and now I’m ruining everything for myself due to baggage from that relationship. I have taken my new friend/ boyfriend for granted. His love for granted. I’ve ruined it. Now he might not even want to try anymore. What shall I do? My anxiety is at sky high I feel like I’m going to be physically sick. Why couldn’t I have appreciated his efforts before I opened my big fat mouth. I’m selfish maybe I dont even deserved to be loved by someone like him.