Dear Eskimo:

“she told me that summer she had been cheating on me. She was distraught and she volunteered it to  me… she is still seeing this person she cheated on me with. Her argument is that if it’s over then what is the point of breaking it off”-

-this means that when she told you that she was cheating on you, she was conflicted and wanting you to help her choose between you and him. When you told her that trust was broken and it’s over, she figured that you did help her to choose him. And now, seems to me, she is suggesting to  you that if you chase her and fight for her long and hard, then maybe she will end her relationship with him, and choose you.

Your situation is not that of being still (legally) married to a woman who had cheated on you, regrets it, and wants to heal the relationship with you; your situation is that of being married to a woman who is cheating on you and is indecisive as whom to choose: you or him.

Thing is, you thought you had something more valuable than that, with her,  over the last thirteen years, something more valuable than what it turned out to be. It turned out to be that what you have with her is equal in value, or less valuable than what she has with a man she started an affair with last summer.

Your choice therefore is in between chasing her and  fighting for her, accepting the lesser value of the relationship or exiting the competition altogether, rejecting the lesser value relationship it turned out to be.

anita