February 20, 2020 at 8:03 pm #338960
hi everyone hope you’re all well.
I wondered if I could ask your advice.
I have been with my wife for almost thirteen years (basically all of my adult life) and we had a really happy marriage for the most part.
But then my life blew apart as she told me that summer that she had been cheating on me. She was distraught and she volunteered it to me, I didn’t find out through some other means.
Since then I have moved out and I am renting a flat. My emotions have been a complete roller coaster and I have gone back and forth, back and forth.
There are a lot of complications to this but I will keep it short.
Essentially I think we should end it. I think once trust is broken it is broken. But my heart wants to get back together.
The complication is that she is still seeing this person she cheated on me with. Her argument is that if it’s over then what is the point of her breaking it off. I kind of think that if she wanted it to work with me, she would have broken it off anyway.
I seem to really struggle with trusting my own mind and I can’t stick by any decision that I make. I am being totally inconsistent which I know isn’t fair.
I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. I feel heartbroken and lost, she was my everything and nobody has ever come close to knowing me like she does. I feel like I am the one being punished when I haven’t done anything wrong.
People bombard me with advice all the time and this makes me even more confused. I don’t know what I want our what I should do and I constantly worry about whether my inconsistency makes me a terrible person.
Like one minute I tell her it’s over then the next I trell her there might be a chance and I don’t know how to stop being like that, I know that sounds stupid.
Any help much appreciated 🙁
ThanksFebruary 20, 2020 at 9:16 pm #339262
You were basically blindsided with a revelation of infidelity. Your mind wants to leave because of you don’t feel like you can trust her, your heart wants to stay because you love her and have built a life with her. You’re being pulled in two different directions. Is it really any wonder that you’re inconsistent? I think it IS fair that you are in this case. You’re experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance and you’re going to keep going back and forth until you’re able to reconcile your thoughts and feelings back together…. and that might take some time.
I agree with you that if she wanted to work things out, she should have completely cut off contact with the guy she cheated with, whether you’re saying it’s completely over or not. If I were in your position, thinking of her still dating this guy would NOT make me want to go back. How are you supposed to regain trust in her when she’s still choosing to date this guy? She is the one that should be trying to make things up to you, but it sounds like you feel like you’re the one being unfair. Well, in my opinion, you aren’t being unfair and you aren’t the one in the wrong here.
What I think you should do is just take some time to yourself, without talking to her. If you two have kids, then ONLY talk about the kids when you must co-parent and not about the relationship. You need time alone to work through your feelings on what has happened. If you don’t talk to her about it, you won’t have to worry about seemingly going back and forth with her. Once you reach some clarity, then I’d have a conversation with her.
If you don’t already, I would start meditating in the morning and the evening. Meditation generally helps with moving through feelings and gaining clarity. And also please give yourself a break and some credit. You have been through a traumatic thing. Infidelity is traumatic. You are not a terrible person for feeling inconsistent because of it… like I said, you’re being pulled in two directions.. by no fault of your own, I might add. You wouldn’t be feeling like this if she had remained faithful, so you have every right to be inconsistent until you can reconcile your thoughts and feelings, however long that takes.February 21, 2020 at 8:47 am #339322
“she told me that summer she had been cheating on me. She was distraught and she volunteered it to me… she is still seeing this person she cheated on me with. Her argument is that if it’s over then what is the point of breaking it off”-
-this means that when she told you that she was cheating on you, she was conflicted and wanting you to help her choose between you and him. When you told her that trust was broken and it’s over, she figured that you did help her to choose him. And now, seems to me, she is suggesting to you that if you chase her and fight for her long and hard, then maybe she will end her relationship with him, and choose you.
Your situation is not that of being still (legally) married to a woman who had cheated on you, regrets it, and wants to heal the relationship with you; your situation is that of being married to a woman who is cheating on you and is indecisive as whom to choose: you or him.
Thing is, you thought you had something more valuable than that, with her, over the last thirteen years, something more valuable than what it turned out to be. It turned out to be that what you have with her is equal in value, or less valuable than what she has with a man she started an affair with last summer.
Your choice therefore is in between chasing her and fighting for her, accepting the lesser value of the relationship or exiting the competition altogether, rejecting the lesser value relationship it turned out to be.
anitaMarch 2, 2020 at 9:37 pm #341052
Thank you so much for such thoughtful replies I really appreciate it. Lots to think about here. Thank you.March 3, 2020 at 10:02 am #341144
You are welcome, Eskimo.
anitaMarch 3, 2020 at 11:06 am #341104
Oh, the situation is really unpleasant. But I want to tell you that it’s better to put up and let her go. Since the person who has changed once will change again, I guarantee you…
The main thing you should do now is to give yourself time to let go. It will be difficult, but necessary. Understand that you deserve love and a partner who will not cheat on you.
Let her go, let her meet the guy she cheated on you with. Move on. Perhaps you should get carried away with something like music or painting. Believe me, it helps a lot.
I also suggest taking the initiative into your own hands and file for divorce yourself.
Start life from scratch, you have already tried the other side of life with it.