Hi anita,

it’s me again. I just read some recent topics. Tried to create replies, but failed miserably. Even erased one reply before hitting submit.

I’ve been dealing with stress, and financial stress especially. It keeps playing on the back of my mind without even me knowing. Today even the normal school tasks are seeming like huge mountains that I’ll not be able to climb. Or something too big to digest. I have tests tomorrow, but I’m feeling so jittery and nervous about every little thing. It’s the feeling of feeling unsafe that makes me nervous about doing little things. That if I don’t do well, I’ll fall down somewhere without a safety net beneath. I’ve never felt that I had a safety net for me. Not comparing my blessings with others. Just felt so unsafe all the times. My parents were so busy fighting, they stopped asking how my grades were, how my school went. I honestly wished they would keep track of my bad things, and my achievements likewise. But they stopped doing it when things got serious. It was always me pushing myself to get good grades, do well in competitions, and so on. It was always me scolding myself for bad scores, but since I deal with self hatred too- never praising myself for achievements. It makes me so nervous that one wrong step on this lonely path makes me fall down somewhere with no one to watch out for me, care for me. Since no one would ever care if I do bad or good, it makes me feel so empty. I don’t need meaningless fulfillment of praise from others of how well I’m doing or anything. I just want to feel safe and cared for. I might be wrongly outweighing my blessings with this sentence. Sorry I feel this way. It just makes me feel so neglected. Every friend I’ve known said their parents care a lot about their grades, activities and things like that. They say it gets annoying some times too. That’s why I feel like I’m being ungrateful despite having a lot of freedom and getting to learn to always take responsibility of my actions. I didn’t let myself involve into addictions, and any other activities that might harm my future in a serious way. These experiences gave me so valuable insights. But I’ve felt that I’ve gotten a bit empty/ hollow inside when i should be grateful for these moments of growth.

Woah. Sorry for giving you too much of a rant to read through. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, it’s just financial stress that is making me jittery. I’ll be fine I’m hoping for that.

I never really asked: how are you doing, anita? Is there something stressing you? What helps you calm down?

Regards,

Javairia