Hey @Michelle, nice to hear from you! Your travels sound great as usual. Do you have a ‘home base’ as it were? Your lifestyle, always on the move sounds invigorating for sure.

Thanks for your thoughts on learning and action and your encouragement to keep going. I need it today. I think I have reached the stage where I miss the idea of a partner more than my ex specifically. This is positive in that I am less and less tempted to reach out but also very anxiety provoking in that I worry a lot about never being loved romantically. I just feel very unloveable some days. But I know that is ultimately coming from a place of seeking external validation and a lack of self esteem, so I need to keep reminding myself that the answer lies in building my self worth, while also pushing myself out my comfort zone. I also just started my period, so that could account for a lot of my feelings, to be honest!

I also still think about her a lot and it’s really annoying to me. The other night I dreamed about her and it was upsetting because I am sick of my brain fantasising. I just want to move on with my life but I guess that’s not how it works!

On top of the attachment style stuff, I have been reading a lot about codependency and it has been quite helpful. I definitely have many codependent traits – for example, a large amount of internalised shame, weak sense of self, and heavily relying on others as my main source of validation. The book “Codependency For Dummies” has been quite insightful if anyone else is interested. This unrelated but relevant quote I came across essentially sums up overcoming codependency:

“Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”

On the one hand I feel like this unlearning is insurmountable, but on the other I am excited by the prospect. Like I have the power to ultimately change how I feel about myself, act, react and form relationships for the rest of my life – for the better.

Despite feeling unloveable and a bit down I have continued to connect with people in a more authentic way than I did before this “failed” relationship, and I’m proud of that. An example is reaching out to an ex colleague/friend who is having their own anxious/avoidant attachment issues and sharing a lot about my own experiences as of late, as well as coaching him. Our friendship has become closer as a result and I have been able to be very vulnerable with him quite comfortably and vice versa.He said I have really helped him find the courage to talk about these issues without feeling like a loser and motivated him to start making changes. He has also been good at reassuring me that he’s sure I’ll find love again.

I have also made an effort to get involved in a volunteer programme one evening a week and through that am getting to know some lovely people, and have gone to a couple of other gatherings which likewise I have very much enjoyed. Whereas when I was in a relationship my ex was totally the centre of my world and I didn’t put effort into much else. Basically, I do like the person I am becoming post this relationship. I just hope it leads to something relationship-wise eventually! Sometimes I really wish that it was easier for me to connect with people on a superficial level i.e be seen as desirable enough for random hookups… but then I ask myself, do I really want a quantity of hollow connections over quality ones? And the answer is probably not, but the physical intimacy would be nice in some ways.

@genie glad you are doing better! Great Jay has reached out and you are back on track. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep trying to do better.

Til next time… x