Dear Nia:

You are very welcome.

“what happened  in the past.. really matters and makes me like this”- yes, when what happened at a young age is very intense, it sure matters later on in life. What we feel intensely as children, we keep feeling as adults.

“I was a teenager, when I liked someone else, I always convinced myself that he does not care or think about me. That’s because I don’t want t hope too high” (I hope you don’t mind that I am grammatically editing your sentences a bit, for better clarity)-

– it may be that when your mother left your home, you hoped that she will come back. You hoped that day after day, and it hurt every day that she didn’t come back, so you stopped hoping, so to not hurt so much hoping and getting disappointed, again and again.

“how to forget that he cared for another woman more than me..?”-

– I don’t think that he cared for her more than he cares for you because he was not in a relationship with her. He may have felt intensely about her, but then- most women marry men who were already in love with another girl earlier, men who felt very intensely about other girls or women in their lives.

We can’t possibly own a man’s past or a man’s feelings. Having a loyal, honest, loving and responsible partner in life is the best we can have.

“I worried that he compare me to her”- imagine that he does compare you to her and thinks that you are better for him than she would have been!

If you treat him well regardless of how jealous and insecure you feel- you will be better for him than so many women who don’t treat their husbands well when they feel insecure, or bored, or angry, etc.

“what should I do to convince my heart and brain to trust him. Do you have any suggestions how to decrease my paranoid/ possessive thoughts.?”-

– in regard to this woman, is she married or in a relationship? If she is, you can suggest to your husband meeting the other couple, getting together for lunch, the four of you. That may make you feel better.

– you can continue to talk to your husband from time to time about your jealousy so to hear what he has to say, maybe reassure you the way you need to be reassured, as long as you keep such conversations short, not accusatory and not very emotional-  so to not make it overwhelming for him.

– the usual suggestions to lower one’s distress are getting daily aerobic exercise (walking fast, or swimming for 30 minutes per day, or more), guided meditations, yoga perhaps, listening to relaxing music, etc. Doing any of these things when you feel distressed will help you.

– quality psychotherapy/ counseling, if available to you, is always a good idea.

– having a friend or two who are nice and sensible people, is also a good idea.

– have a daily routine, so  that you follow a schedule, or a list of tasks to do every day. A daily routine (including exercise/ physical activity) is very helpful for anxious people.

“I want to be a better person, woman, wife actually..  I also feel not as good as her”- well, you are already a better person, woman and wife for wanting to be better. Imagine all the women out there who think they are..  too good for their husbands. Your husband is fortunate to not have a wife who thinks she is better than him.

* He will be more fortunate to  have a wife who thinks she is equally as good as him, not more, not less!

“sometimes I tried to go back to my old hobbies, I felt bored”- maybe a new hobby will interest you.

“I can leave (hobbies) when he comes to me. Even if I am in the workplace.. But he.. can play a game for several hours. He can work without worrying, or asking for my attention. It drives me crazy every day. I want to change”-

–  this kind of change takes time and effort, making a little progress today, more progress tomorrow, and persist in making progress no matter how you feel, keep doing what works when you don’t feel like doing (what works).

Post here anytime you want. I have communicated with some members over a period of months and even years. You are welcome to communicate with me long term.

anita