@genie, my dear. There are a lot of “what ifs” there! Seems like you are in an anxiety spiral which is the worst feeling, I know. Try to breathe and identify how the anxiety you are feeling is distorting your thinking. Then try to counter it with a more realistic interpretation. Unfortunately any reassurance any of us offer you in countering such thoughts won’t last… I know this from experience, and really wish it did! So instead just try to breathe, sit with it, identify the catastrophising thoughts but remember they are not facts and trust it will decline naturally. xx

Some slightly interesting developments on my end. An acquaintance got in touch with me and we have been having message conversations quite steadily over the last week, some flirtatious. On Friday I got quite drunk and things got particularly flirtatious. If we were in the same town I probably would have suggested we hook up but we’re not. I have got a buzz from these interactions, of course, particularly because my ex was not really the type to flirt so explicitly, and I’m not particularly used to such attention. But as suspected it’s caused anxiety as well and I can already tell that I am ‘chasing’ something not all that fulfilling and am already fantasising about things that are unlikely to happen, all in pursuit of some kind of external validation I suppose.

to be honest with myself… If it was a friend of mine and I saw the conversations we were having, I’d conclude by in large that they are not exactly interesting and that I am selling myself short just because someone has vaguely expressed interest in me. So I’m just disappointed in myself really. All comes down to that pesky old lack of self worth again….

On a sidenote my ex also finally replied to a message from a couple of weeks ago; nothing really interesting. I have been thinking of her a lot less over the past week because I have been distracted by this new anxious attachment. Oh dear… sometimes I just have to laugh at myself – the patterns are so familiar. I suppose at least I can recognise them! Being a human is hard…