Dear SearchForSelfPeace:

Thank you for asking me to be careful and safe, I ask you the same. We all need to panic less and do what we can do to be safe, not only from this particular virus but from other pathogens and from causing accidents and from making impulsive choices that harm us. Let us all fear less and pay attention more.

When you came to the U.S., one of your key objectives was to become more assertive and not a pushover. With your flat mates, initially you “tried to reason with them but it soon became a big argument/ fight and I lost my temper”-

-reasoning with someone is not being assertive. Being assertive is telling a person what you will do- and what you will not do in this or that circumstance and then keeping your word. For example, after you asked a flat mate to wash his dirty dishes after he eats, explaining to him the reason: that you need a clear sink so to wash your own dishes after you eat (that is the reasoning with him part), and he still leaves dirty dishes in the sink the day after, don’t try to reason with him yet again. Instead,  place a big box in the kitchen and say to him: if you don’t wash your dishes after you eat, and I need to prepare my own meal, then I will place your dirty dishes in this box.

Say that in a calm, confident voice. If the flat mate objects or starts to argue, don’t argue back. If he doesn’t suggest an alternative better solution, and the box is the only solution you can think of, then just repeat yourself that once and move away from him.

If his dirty dishes are in the sink next time you are about to make your own meal, do what you said you’ll do, put them in the box (and cover the box, so you are not grossed out). Cook, eat, wash your dishes, put them away and do not place his dirty dishes back in the sink. It is his job, not yours.

It is way better if everyone uses the same dishes, wash them after meals, no boxes etc., that would be ideal, but we don’t live in an ideal world, so we have to do the best we can with what and who we have in our lives.

“In reality, I hate confrontations with anyone”- confrontations that include arguments are not the same as asserting yourself. Arguments are aggression, not assertion. Assertions are measured, controlled and limited in time. Aggression escalate quickly, a smaller argument growing into a bigger argument, and you lose control.

You wrote about your flat mates: “it would be counter-productive for me to fight with them over small things”- it will be counter productive for you to  fight with them over anything, small or big, except for if your life depended  on it, for example,  if one of them approached you with a weapon with the intent of harming you.

I think that you have been confusing assertiveness with arguing and fighting. Arguing and fighting are not part of assertiveness.

Regarding doing much more for a friend than the friend does for you- don’t. Resist your inclination to do a whole lot for another person. Do some, then wait for reciprocation. If the friend does something small for you, do something small in return. Don’t over-do for others, it will cause you feel used and angry.

“What actions would you suggest for me to become self-confident?”- practice the assertiveness I suggested. It will not be easy, but every time you succeed, your confidence will grow. (Also, practice not over-doing for others).

You wrote: “I had left my job and country as well, just to get past the things and people who were a source of anxiety for me”- as you can see, there are plenty more people in a new country that will be a source of anxiety for you. So what you need to leave behind you is your passive (push over)- aggressive (arguing and fighting) pattern of behavior, and learn assertiveness.

“I overthink situations.. a complete spiral where you would start by innocuous thoughts and then they become a tornado of negative emotions”- when you find yourself stuck in thoughts regarding a conflict, ask yourself: what do I need to do/ what action do I need to take?

Switch from ruminating to taking action. Figure out a plan of action, focus on the very next thing you need to do, and focus on doing that very thing. When you are done with that one action, evaluate and proceed to the next action on your (same or adjusted) plan of action.

anita