Dear SearchForSelfPeace:

Thank you for asking me to be careful and safe, I ask you the same. We all need to panic less and do what we can do to be safe, not only from this particular virus but from other pathogens and from causing accidents and from making impulsive choices that harm us. Let us all fear less and pay attention more.

When you came to the U.S., one of your key objectives was to become more assertive and not a pushover. With your flat mates, initially you “tried to reason with them but it soon became a big argument/ fight and I lost my temper”-

-reasoning with someone is not being assertive. Being assertive is telling a person what you will do- and what you will not do in this or that circumstance and then keeping your word. For example, after you asked a flat mate to wash his dirty dishes after he eats, explaining to him the reason: that you need a clear sink so to wash your own dishes after you eat (that is the reasoning with him part), and he still leaves dirty dishes in the sink the day after, don’t try to reason with him yet again. Instead,  place a big box in the kitchen and say to him: if you don’t wash your dishes after you eat, and I need to prepare my own meal, then I will place your dirty dishes in this box.

Say that in a calm, confident voice. If the flat mate objects or starts to argue, don’t argue back. If he doesn’t suggest an alternative better solution, and the box is the only solution you can think of, then just repeat yourself that once and move away from him.

If his dirty dishes are in the sink next time you are about to make your own meal, do what you said you’ll do, put them in the box (and cover the box, so you are not grossed out). Cook, eat, wash your dishes, put them away and do not place his dirty dishes back in the sink. It is his job, not yours.

It is way better if everyone uses the same dishes, wash them after meals, no boxes etc., that would be ideal, but we don’t live in an ideal world, so we have to do the best we can with what and who we have in our lives.

“In reality, I hate confrontations with anyone”- confrontations that include arguments are not the same as asserting yourself. Arguments are aggression, not assertion. Assertions are measured, controlled and limited in time. Aggression escalate quickly, a smaller argument growing into a bigger argument, and you lose control.

You wrote about your flat mates: “it would be counter-productive for me to fight with them over small things”- it will be counter productive for you to  fight with them over anything, small or big, except for if your life depended  on it, for example,  if one of them approached you with a weapon with the intent of harming you.

I think that you have been confusing assertiveness with arguing and fighting. Arguing and fighting are not part of assertiveness.

Regarding doing much more for a friend than the friend does for you- don’t. Resist your inclination to do a whole lot for another person. Do some, then wait for reciprocation. If the friend does something small for you, do something small in return. Don’t over-do for others, it will cause you feel used and angry.

“What actions would you suggest for me to become self-confident?”- practice the assertiveness I suggested. It will not be easy, but every time you succeed, your confidence will grow. (Also, practice not over-doing for others).

You wrote: “I had left my job and country as well, just to get past the things and people who were a source of anxiety for me”- as you can see, there are plenty more people in a new country that will be a source of anxiety for you. So what you need to leave behind you is your passive (push over)- aggressive (arguing and fighting) pattern of behavior, and learn assertiveness.

“I overthink situations.. a complete spiral where you would start by innocuous thoughts and then they become a tornado of negative emotions”- when you find yourself stuck in thoughts regarding a conflict, ask yourself: what do I need to do/ what action do I need to take?

Switch from ruminating to taking action. Figure out a plan of action, focus on the very next thing you need to do, and focus on doing that very thing. When you are done with that one action, evaluate and proceed to the next action on your (same or adjusted) plan of action.

anita

Hi SearchForSelfPeace,

I read your posts but I do not think you are introvert as mentioned in the title. There is a difference between being an introvert, shy, or a socially anxious person. Some or most people are a combination of two or more of these. Introvert people do not have  much of self-esteem issues. But don’t worry about that I do have resources to help you on that. There are lots of free online self-tests available to determine whether you are shy or introvert or a bit of both. You can take that and let me know here what you come up with so that I can suggest you what to do next. I have been researching about these for my own issues too, so I know a few resources.

Alongside, for self-esteem issues I recommend you to go to increasingselfworthDOTCOM. (Replace with an actual dot).

Its a very good website and there are tons of articles for free along with meditations and exercises for issues as these. I have also interacted with the author of the website. She does make it a point to respond if you post anything on any of the posts or via email.

tc.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Ravi.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Ravi.

Hi SearchForSelfPeace,

From what you have responded to my post I do not actually see any introvertedness or shyness issues anywhere. Your only issue is when you have the feeling of left alone, as you mentioned. If you can increase some self esteem. self worth, self love- I think you will be back on track, with friends or anywhere else. Do take a look at the website I have suggested you above. That will cover up everything.

Dear SearchForSelfPeace:

“my mental peace is disturbed regularly.. I always feel that others are not being just with me.. My behavior is capricious.. my fluctuating behavior.. How can I improve my behavior? Can you please share what was your journey on being more accepting?”

I am not very focused this afternoon (my time), so I will be back to your thread later, but for now I would say, your search for self peace is what I searched for many years and found and keep finding: it is a gradual, slow process. You can find it too, more and more of it. How I wish it was quick and wonderful event instead of a slow and gradual process, but real life is different than what we imagine.

I used to see everyone as superior to me, as if they had something I didn’t have and if only they like me, maybe they will give me that something… but this was not reality: all those people I thought were superior to me- were not. Once you see people as they are, you will not envy them anymore, or be angry at them, you will realize they are not in much better shape than you are.

That Quora post you mentioned on page 1, which says in part: “You feel unloved and unwanted.. Because you are searching for love in the wrong places. You are knocking at the wrong door. No matter how hard you try, it will not open”- all the doors were wrong for me because I expected super humans to open those door for me, but instead the people who opened doors for me were either too weak to help me or too cruel to not take advantage of the weakness that led me to their doors.

If you are reading this before I am back to the computer (in about 13 hours), and it makes some sense to you, please let me know what it is that resonates with you, and what does not.

anita

Dear SearchForSelfPeace:

I looked forward to write to you following my last post to you, but answered others first because I wanted to take my time re-reading all  your previous posts.

“When I see a few friends of mine connecting deeply with others.. I feel a bit envious of them.. I don’t factor very high in their list of priorities.. I have always been sort of the third wheel in most of the friendships… being the odd one out… feeling hurt when I see my friends making an effort for their other friends but not me… I often go overboard for many people and their actions fall short of mine”-

– this is an emotional experience that you keep having, again and again over many years. It is an intense and distressing experience that involves a deep hurt and great sadness and from time to time, intense anger at the injustice of it: it is not just or fair that you are left out, no matter how hard you care for others and how much you do for others.

“If I want to develop a greater friendship with anyone, then they don’t want to with me”- It hurts a lot to be unwanted. And when you watch people that are wanted, you feel envy, which is a mix of desire (to be wanted) and anger (that they are wanted, but you are not).

“deep down I understand that I am a boring person… I am not very good looking (I know this to be a fact)”- oh, how it hurts to believe all this, I know because I believed such things about myself.

“I remain depressed most of the time… I have been always unhappy in all phases of my life. I am always complaining and waiting for the time to pass… I watch others enjoying their life.. but here I am lonely in all phases of life”.

You wrote that you are boring and not very good looking- but this is not how the belief that you are inferior to others started. It was not that you felt fine and one day, you noticed: oh, I am boring, and I am not good looking. First the belief took place; the belief that you are inferior to others and therefore unwanted started early on in your life, before you evaluated your physical and personality attractiveness. Something happened to lead you to believe these things about yourself early on.

If as a child, your parents/ caretakers attended to someone else but not to you, neglecting you while giving their positive attention to someone else, that would explain it. If that was not the case, and your parents gave you no less attention than to other people in the family, and your experience of inattention started in school, in regard to your peers or teachers.. then you took that hurtful, distressing experience home.. and no one there noticed. No  one at home noticed how hurt that little girl was, so that distress, unnoticed, festered for years. Fast forward, it is still the same emotional experience, still so very painful.

— What to do???

First, what not  to do:

1. Don’t go overboard for others (“I often go overboard for many people and their actions fall short of mine”). No reason to repeat doing what didn’t work for you in the past. Again and again you went overboard for others, and again and again, their actions fell short of yours. And after all the overboard actions, you are still experiencing the same old, same  old experience of being unwanted. So .. no more going overboard for anyone, not for a long, long time.

2. Do not subdue to anyone! (“I feel that if someone is overconfident.. then I subdue easily.. I am a pushover)”. If and when you encounter a person who seems overconfident, resist your tendency to subdue, or submit to that person’s perceived power. If you get confused and don’t know what to say or do- remove yourself from the situation.. but do not subdue, do not go under anyone, so to speak.

What to  do: I don’t know yet. But consider the following and let me know, after some time of consideration, what you think and feel about the following:

There is nothing about you that is inferior to others. You believe that you are inferior but it is only a belief, not a reality.

Because you have this painful belief, you are indeed less attractive to others. I will tell you how that comes about from my personal experience: because I believed that I was unwanted, I didn’t look people in the eye (afraid to see their rejection of me), I looked away. I walked with slouched shoulders, kind of bent over, my body posture expressing shame, which is not an attractive expression in other people’s minds.

When in company, and peers talked, I didn’t listen to what they said because I was planning what I was going to say. When I did speak, it must have been evident to others that I didn’t listen to what they said.  And it is true: people really don’t want the company of those who don’t listen to them!

Let’s keep communicating, and we will figure out together the answer to .. what-to-do???!

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .