Hi Archer,

From what I am reading, it sounds like you have had a lot of goals in life, but they have all been to teach your family to believe in you.  I experienced this myself for the majority of my life.  However, I discovered the issue was not me.  It was that I was surrounded by people who enjoyed putting me down to make themselves feel better. Are you surrounding yourself with a support system of people who care about you and assist you when you feel discouraged?

No…ish – the people in my environment don’t put me down. They’re encouraging and inspirational. But it’s not real friendships. The only reason we’re together in life is because of circumstance and not bonds. I feel like I can’t show signs of weakness with anyone – the guys in my life and my girlfriend. 

Guys because life moves on and they’ll move on with it. Girlfriend because when girls fall in love with the guy who’s crushing life, that’s who they fell in love with. But then, when you’re no longer that guy, they fall out of love. I’ve seen marriages fall apart and several women say things like “you’re not the man I fell in love with”. Women, will on the surface are supportive, underneath/emotionally they feel very punishing.

The people in my life at the time did make me feel completely dead inside.  No matter what goal I accomplished, they continued to haunt my thoughts and dreams.  It didn’t matter that I had proved myself.  I had not forgiven myself for letting other people hurt me.  Realizing I was not at fault for the cruel actions of others, which took a couple of years on my own (I could not afford a therapist) significantly helped me heal.  When your family is not kind and supportive, it is NEVER YOUR FAULT they choose to treat you that way.  Positive affirmations programs may be able assist you with remembering that.

I actually don’t care that much what my family thinks. I abandoned a double major in chemistry/mathematics when I was 1 year away from graduation to pursue my dream. In a sense, I was exiled by the family. Then I carved my own path and now we can at least see eye to eye. 

Also, it is very brave and ambitious of you to start your own business instead of riding the train of your mentors forever.  Starting your own business can be incredibly stressful.  Are you taking personal days/ vacations and giving yourself time to recover?  Burn out is very powerful.

Sort of – I work every day. But it’s because I want to. I take time off daily to work out, enjoy a sauna/hot tub, and play some video games.

Think about your goals.  Are they based on just wanting material things and wealth?  Are you only wanting things for yourself? Are your goals dreams you can carry out forever even after achieving them, or are they only things you can physically pick up and out down?  What are your reasons/ambitions for chasing your goals?  I have found when I make goals that are focused on helping others, my inspiration and ambition are infinite (as long as I am not experiencing burn out at the time), because things that help people will always be needed.  In general, make sure your goals, even if they may be only about helping yourself, are things you can continue to provide for yourself even after the initial achievement.  Don’t be afraid to add on and create bigger goals either.

I always wanted the Playboy lifestyle of Hue. But then ask I started getting the girls I realized how stupid and empty it was within the first 2 weeks. That was what I was working towards for so long. The money, women and power. Now I don’t know what I want.

I know I don’t want to be broke.

I know I don’t want to powerless.

I know I want to be disciplined, successful, etc… But I don’t know why or what for.

Also, is your business virtual or do you go to an office?  Virtual work has lots of pros, but one of the cons is lack of social interaction. Is very common for virtual workers to feel isolated and have trouble pursuing opportunities that make them feel less isolated.  Make sure you are taking care of your social needs. Connecting with people when you feel numb emotionally is not easy, but it is doable if you can choose friends or acquaintances who invite you to go to events/go outside in general.  They don’t need to be your closest friend, but you can only meet new people if you are giving yourself opportunities to meet them.  Join a club.  Volunteer. Try some new hobbies.

I picked up fighting as a hobby and it was fun for a while but then got boring. My work is completely virtual. I don’t feel like connecting with people because I feel dissociated from society. I got to a social level where people felt like robots that could be influenced to do x/y easily and I didn’t like that. It was like seeing the wizard behind the curtain and realizing that humans are more animal than they are special.

As far as relationships go, my rule of thumb is: Don’t find someone you can live with/tolerate.  Find someone your life would be ‘less’ without.  Having found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can honestly say that there is not much of anything that would be more fun or fulfilling without him.  Being with someone you want to do life with is energizing, not draining. That’s not to say don’t have times we just need to go be introverts and enjoy activities independently, but we definitely usually want each other around otherwise.  Are you with someone you tolerate, or someone it would be devastating to you not to have in your life anymore?

I really like this piece of advice and would appreciate your ideas further. I tolerate my girlfriend, but I think that’s more to do with me than her. Right now, all I want to do is focus on my own personal growth so that I can be a better man. But because I’m so focused on fixing this rut I’m in, I feel like it’s affecting my perspective of the relationship/her. On paper she’s amazing. And regarding my distrust of women, I think that’s going to be a lifelong issue regardless of the woman in my life.

Overall, the best thing to do would be to find a therapist.  Make sure the therapist you pick uses strategies that line up with your beliefs.  For example, if you don’t like medications/doctors, make sure the person you go to focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy and the like instead of psychiatry. Psychology today has a great directory of certified therapists https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

This seems like the best advice too. Thank you for sharing your ideas.

Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace, medical or psychiatric treatment.

Sincerely,

Melinda