Dear kiwiboy0897:

At this point it is an issue of obsession, a bit like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: a thought occurs to you (“that my partner told Steve”), it is like an itch. Next you feel the compulsion to scratch that itch, which means to ask your boyfriend about it.. again, and get his reassurance.. again  (“We discussed this”), next you feel better, the itch is gone (“It was very effective. He reassured me”), next, you will feel the itch again (sorry, it is not gone) and you will feel the compulsion to ask him.. again.

Notice that there is nothing in this dynamic that leads you to better understanding of the situation, nor does it lead to better communication with your partner, nor does it increase your safety in the relationship or otherwise. It is nothing more than feeling an itch, scratching it, feeling better, the itch returns, scratching it again, etc.

The way to exit this OCD loop is to resist the compulsion, or urge to scratch the itch aka ask your boyfriend about it. This means that you will be distressed and you will not relieve yourself by asking him again, continuing to be distressed with no relief. But if you do as I suggest, the itch will become less and less intense over time. It will takes weeks or months to get there, but it will be worth it for you.

anita