March 16, 2020 at 6:17 pm #343688
You are welcome, kiwiboy0897, and thank you for your appreciation. I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours.
anitaMarch 17, 2020 at 11:12 pm #343886
I am trying to get past the fact that my partner told Steve. I don’t understand this, and am trying to move on from this clouding my mind.
Have you heard of a similar situation? When we talk about it, he says it just came out and that he doesn’t know why he did it.
Advice? This is a difficult part for me to accept, but I want to move past it. I have moved past everything else and accepted and understood it, but this is the thing that’s really grappling me.
kiwiboy0897March 18, 2020 at 4:39 am #343910
We discussed this. I considered your advice and approached it confidently. It was very effective. He reassured me he got caught up in the moment and that it just came out, that he was flustered.
kiwiboy0897March 18, 2020 at 9:08 am #343926
At this point it is an issue of obsession, a bit like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: a thought occurs to you (“that my partner told Steve”), it is like an itch. Next you feel the compulsion to scratch that itch, which means to ask your boyfriend about it.. again, and get his reassurance.. again (“We discussed this”), next you feel better, the itch is gone (“It was very effective. He reassured me”), next, you will feel the itch again (sorry, it is not gone) and you will feel the compulsion to ask him.. again.
Notice that there is nothing in this dynamic that leads you to better understanding of the situation, nor does it lead to better communication with your partner, nor does it increase your safety in the relationship or otherwise. It is nothing more than feeling an itch, scratching it, feeling better, the itch returns, scratching it again, etc.
The way to exit this OCD loop is to resist the compulsion, or urge to scratch the itch aka ask your boyfriend about it. This means that you will be distressed and you will not relieve yourself by asking him again, continuing to be distressed with no relief. But if you do as I suggest, the itch will become less and less intense over time. It will takes weeks or months to get there, but it will be worth it for you.
anitaMarch 19, 2020 at 6:00 am #344110
Thanks for the help! I really appreciate your contributions 🙂
With the obsession, I couldn’t agree more. I have recognised this before, and my partner said in the past that he is worried because I was getting fixated on it.
I will definitely try your method! I think it will be very useful.
Also, I am trying to downplay the idea that I feel a little bit hurt… I understand that this is from my ego, and that there is no real reason for me to be truly hurt, but I think it’s just my ego…
What I’m trying to say is: there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way. I know he truly loves me because of this, and it has proven to me that he really does. I think I’m just clouding my own judgment, and sometimes looking for reasons as to why I don’t deserve this kind of love… It’s almost like self sabotage.
Do you have any advice on how I shouldn’t recognise this as a form of pain, but rather a reason to be happier? I mean, I see it but I would like an outside perspective too!
P.S. Hope you’re well, and whatever corner of the globe you’re in, I hope you have (or have already had) a lovely day!
kiwiboy0897March 19, 2020 at 8:09 am #344120
Thank you for wishing me well, I wish you well back!
Let me know how the don’t-scratch-the-itch method works for you (it will be difficult and take time and persistence).
“there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way”- in my experience, we as adults are hurting still for what happened- or didn’t happen- in our childhoods. When a hurt is deep and is not resolved during those Formative Years of childhood, the hurt is Formed in our brain and it gets activated in our adult lives. For example, if you had a sibling and any one of your parents clearly and repeatedly preferred your sibling, not correcting this behavior, that hurt as a child was formed in your brain (recorded there), and it got activated in the context of the current situation.
“Do you have any advice on how I shouldn’t recognize this as a form of pain..?”- I think you should recognize it as a form of pain, only look for its origin, like I suggested- in your childhood. I gave you an example, above. Think of what happened in your childhood that may explain this hurt, and let me know, will you?
anitaMarch 20, 2020 at 5:03 am #344324
My childhood was pretty full on. My dad was abusive towards my mum, and he was cheating on her for quite some time. This all came into light and sparked some heavy domestic violence and emotional trauma for myself and my siblings.
They ended up working through it though, and they’re still married happily now.
His unfaithfulness did spark a lot of different events which were negative, though. It was almost like a snowball effect. Other than that, my childhood was pretty okay. We struggled financially to some extent, but my parents never tried to make that known to me. It was almost covered up. My dad had a lot of debts, so we ended up moving countries basically for that reason also.
But overall, his cheating (this was happening when I was about 4 or 5), really shook everything. And the byproducts of violence are some of the earliest memories I can recall.
kiwiboy0897March 20, 2020 at 7:46 am #344336
Earlier you wrote: “there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way”. You are hurting not because your partner did anything in an irresponsible and disloyal way, but because your father did.
When you were 4-5, those were your Formative Years, many emotional neuropathways were formed in your brain, and those pathways were your responses to what was happening in your home. You heard your mother stating that your father cheated on her, you witnessed your father talking and acting abusively toward your mother, you felt empathy for her, you hurt for her, you felt betrayed yourself.
A young child is not an independent mental/emotional entity from the parent he feels most empathy for. Your mother’s experience was your own experience. Basically you experienced her betrayal by proxy, as if it was your husband (not hers) than cheated on you (not on her).
Fast forward, there’s your partner, and you are projecting your father into him, and your emotional experience of childhood is re-activated. You don’t feel at all that your emotional experience with your partner is connected to your past emotional experience with your father and mother, because the latter is buried, repressed.
All this is how our brains operate, I explained this in my last post to you, and will be glad to explain it further, if you want me to. Understanding this can lead you to do what you need to do so to resolve this early hurt, and avail yourself to a better emotional life experience, one that is free from a long gone past.
March 20, 2020 at 3:04 pm #344400
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
How do I do this? How do I change this and stop this projection? Can you explain it further?
kiwiboy0897March 20, 2020 at 3:15 pm #344402
I won’t be easy to do this, but you can start today. Maybe it is better that I explain it specifically to your situation. If you want, tell me what you remember from those early years, when your father cheated on your mother: how did you know about it (did your mother tell you or did you hear them fighting about it?), do you remember what you were thinking and feeling at the time, regarding your father cheating on your mother, do you remember feeling angry at your father, feeling empathy for your mother, any of these or other feelings?
If you choose to answer these questions and sharing anything else that comes to your mind as you remember these early years, take your time with it because it is a distressing topic. Type anything that comes to mind without trying to edit it, a sort of stream of consciousness, whatever comes to mind. If you find yourself stuck, distract and come back to it later. What you share doesn’t need to be accurate or exact.
I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours.
anitaMarch 20, 2020 at 3:23 pm #344406
I knew about it because all my siblings would talk about it. I didn’t understand it at first, but then it clicked to me. Most nights I’d wake up in the middle of the night to them fighting. I remember one night I woke up hugging my older sister while she was crying and my brother was having a fight with my dad over it. Another time my dad threw a glass cup at her face and she had to get stitches. I remember feeling sad and empathetic towards my mum. I remember feeling confused and having resentment towards my dad because of my confusion. I remember my mum always pretending like everything was okay when it wasn’t, her hiding her emotions from us as much as she could. We also knew the woman: she was a family friend, and we’d be at her house playing with her kids quite often. I remember hearing that she wanted him and used him for his money which is what made him spiral into debt. This is mostly what I remember.
kiwiboy0897March 20, 2020 at 5:43 pm #344420
I will be back to your thread in about 14 hours from now (possibly before that, but no later than the stated).
anitaMarch 21, 2020 at 6:26 am #344454
“Most nights I’d wake up in the middle of the night to them fighting.. one night I woke up hugging my older sister while she was crying and my brother was having a fight with my dad over it… my dad threw a glass cup at her face and she had to get stitches”-
– the child that you were was repeatedly scared many days and many nights, for a long time. All children get scared when they witness aggression between their parents, between family members, and they get scared when suffering aggression directly. If you didn’t suffer aggression directly, if you weren’t hit, then witnessing the aggression and violence in your childhood home is what I call the original fear in you= the core of your current anxiety.
This core is like embers that lie underneath your awareness. Sometimes you feel calm and you are not aware of those embers, of this original fear, but often, these embers catch a little fire and you feel fear. But you don’t think of the aggression and violence of your home life as a child (your original fear), you think instead of your partner and Steve.
Your fear is currently associated with this topic of your-partner-and-Steve.
If there wasn’t this topic, there would have been another topic to associate with your original fear, because those embers I mentioned, they do catch fire once in a while, and this or that topic will trigger that fire. This is what anxiety is about.
Interesting, the current pandemic gives lots of people a break from their original fear, because the pandemic is a real-and-present danger, physically and economically, so many of us forget for a while that other fear.
“I remember feeling confused and having resentment towards my dad because of my confusion… we also knew the woman: she was a family friend.. her kids… she wanted him and used him for his money which is what made him spiral into debt”-
– empathy for your mother means that you shared her feelings of being betrayed by your father, plus I am guessing that you felt betrayed by your father for giving his money to another family- that woman and her kids, instead of giving his money to his own kids.
I wonder if you feel angry or jealous about your partner giving money or being generous with other people, people other than you?
I will wait for your answer and your thoughts about what I wrote here, and if you want to, we will continue.
March 21, 2020 at 6:47 pm #344536
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
That makes lots of sense to me and allows me to see my fears and anxieties in a new light.
My partner is very generous and giving. One of the traits I love the most which he possesses is his generosity. He doesn’t mind putting others before himself, and doesn’t do this for prides sake either. He is genuinely a kind and loving person who likes to see the good in all people.
I would get annoyed to think of my partner spending money on Steve, though.
Also, how do you suggest I conquer this fear? It does make sense. And if I’m honest, the thought of my partner simply even being friends with Steve scares me. I know it shouldn’t, and I recognise it’s stupid that it does because I know within me, nothing would ever become of it… He is very loyal. But, I can’t shake the fear.
kiwiboy0897March 21, 2020 at 7:20 pm #344538
I will re-read and reply further to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours. For now, regarding “the thought of my partner simply even being friends with Steve scares me”- I think he shouldn’t be friends with Steve because it scares you. It is not that he has been friends with him and you want him to end that friendship; he hasn’t yet been friends with him yet, so no reason to start a friendship when such scares you (and for a reason: Steve knew your partner had a partner and yet he came on to him in a sexually aggressive way that one time).
Feel free to add another post if you have more to say, and I will be back to you.
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.