March 28, 2020 at 6:46 pm #345950
Thanks for all of your input. I am trying to move forward from this, and am due to post the activity you recommended.
Hope you’re staying safe through all that’s happening!
kiwiboy0897March 28, 2020 at 6:54 pm #345952
You are very welcome, kiwiboy0897. I am as safe as can be and hope you are safe too. Looking forward to your next post.
anitaMarch 31, 2020 at 7:54 am #346378
A note to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping you are okay.
anitaMarch 31, 2020 at 5:36 pm #346470
Thank you. I have been meaning to post, but everything is quite full on at the moment. I hope you’re well, and will post properly soon.
kiwiboy0897March 31, 2020 at 6:29 pm #346476
When I left you the note earlier today, I was under the incorrect impression that it’s been way longer than the 2.5 days since we last communicated. I have no intent of rushing you, so please take your time and keep yourself as safe as possible.
anitaApril 25, 2020 at 12:03 am #351480
I’m sorry for being so MIA lately. Things have been good, but I have almost mentally relapsed or reverted back to bad thinking habits.
Its difficult for me to accept that my partner said to Steve “I’m falling for you.” Would appreciate your guidance.
kiwiboy0897April 25, 2020 at 6:26 am #351514
Welcome back, no need to apologize for infrequency of posting: you can post anytime you want.
Will you remind me: when was it that your partner told Steve “I’m falling for you”?
Also: any news regarding contact between partner and Steve, in the gym or elsewhere; any changes in your partner’s behavior otherwise?
anitaApril 26, 2020 at 9:06 pm #351708
It was the day everything happened. The day they went to breakfast after the gym, the same day he told me and confessed everything. He said it came out wrong.
No change in my partners behaviour. He has remained consistent.
kiwiboy0897April 27, 2020 at 6:34 am #351740
Two days ago, you wrote: “I have almost mentally relapsed or reverted back to bad thinking habits”- this was to be expected. Even if today, as you are reading my words here, you are feeling good, not at all worried about your partner and Steve, it is only a matter of time before you will worry again. Anxiety and fixating/ obsessing go together like peas and carrots; they don’t just disappear because you understand something today that you didn’t understand yesterday, or because you feel good today.
Fixating/ obsessing (I used the term OCD before, but I want to avoid the diagnostic term today because you weren’t diagnosed with OCD, as far as I know) is a habit of the mind. At this point, your fixation on Steve and your partner is a mental habit which is very, very hard to break.
It may help when you fixate, if you read our previous communications here on your thread: the analogies of the itch that needs to be scratched, the elevator, these helped you in the past, and may help you again. The fact that you got fixated again doesn’t mean that what helped you before wasn’t helpful, it just means that you need to re-read it/ take it in again.
I want this post to sink in a bit, so I will separate it from my next post. Please read my next post after you absorb this one.
anitaApril 27, 2020 at 7:08 am #351744
You wrote last month about your partner: “I keep questioning whether or not he is going to leave me and have this impending fear that he will.. the thought of my partner simply being friends with Steve scares me.. I can’t shake the fear.. the thought still scares me”-
-you are afraid that your partner will leave you for Steve. I will next refer to all your thoughts relating to your partner leaving you for Steve as your Fixation, adjective: fixated, verb: fixate. (I could refer to it as your Obsession, but I am choosing Fixation instead).
Whenever you are fixated, you feel scared; whenever you are anxious/ uncomfortable about anything, you tend to fixate.
What to do:
When you find yourself fixated, do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation: it is very simple, all you have to do is to focus on your nose, on the air going into your nose and out of your nose. Don’t force your breathing to be slower or deeper, just be aware of it and focus on it. This will give you a time-out from the fixation. After you feel calm, it will be possible for you to choose to not fixate next.
When you are already fixating and anxious, it is almost impossible to stop fixating. This is why you need the time out, it is necessary. Only when you are calm, as a result of the time-out, you can choose to not fixate.
Otherwise, when you notice that you are anxious/ uncomfortable (ex: hearing news about the pandemic, feeling too full after a meal, needing a shower, feeling tired…), do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation.
And don’t expect to never fixate again, take care of this moment only, and the next, one moment at a time and enjoy the calm when you are not fixating.
* It will also help if you find a way to express your childhood fear, maybe through art, drawing or painting, for the purpose of containing your fear in the time and place where it originated, so to free the here and now from that original fear. It takes time, of course, but better start the process. For example (and it is only an example, you choose what suits you): draw in a simplistic way, circle for head, lines for arms and legs, your father throwing a glass cup at your older sister’s face, and her face bleeding; draw your father with that other woman, the family friend, and your mother at a distance looking at them; or draw your mother sad but pretending like everything is okay.
And post again anytime!