Forum Replies Created
April 26, 2020 at 9:06 pm #351708
It was the day everything happened. The day they went to breakfast after the gym, the same day he told me and confessed everything. He said it came out wrong.
No change in my partners behaviour. He has remained consistent.
kiwiboy0897April 25, 2020 at 12:03 am #351480
I’m sorry for being so MIA lately. Things have been good, but I have almost mentally relapsed or reverted back to bad thinking habits.
Its difficult for me to accept that my partner said to Steve “I’m falling for you.” Would appreciate your guidance.
kiwiboy0897March 31, 2020 at 5:36 pm #346470
Thank you. I have been meaning to post, but everything is quite full on at the moment. I hope you’re well, and will post properly soon.
kiwiboy0897March 28, 2020 at 6:46 pm #345950
Thanks for all of your input. I am trying to move forward from this, and am due to post the activity you recommended.
Hope you’re staying safe through all that’s happening!
kiwiboy0897March 26, 2020 at 4:32 pm #345626
Thanks for that.
Do you think telling someone you have feelings for them if you’re in a relationship counts?
kiwiboy0897March 26, 2020 at 2:44 pm #345602
May I ask… what would you consider emotional cheating?
kiwiboy0897March 24, 2020 at 8:52 pm #345252
I’m glad to head that! I think that is probably the best place to be during this whole thing. I am as safe as can be, taking precautions and ensuring I am out of harms way.
kiwiboy0897March 24, 2020 at 7:10 pm #345234
Thank you. Sorry I have got back to you so late, I have been quite swamped with university work!
I will redo the exercise probably later tonight when I have the chance to settle and complete it properly. There is something else I would like to express though, about the situation between Steve and my partner.
On New Year’s Day, my partner went to the gym (F45) and him and Steve were talking after the session. Steve was saying to my partner that whatever he needs (in regards to business information, business talks, etc.) that he could contact Steve and ask him about it. He said that if he was ever wanting to discuss it outside of the gym, Steve would be fine with that. But pretty much, that day they decided to go for lunch and discuss business. I came to visit my partner, and he told me that he was going to go to lunch with Steve. He asked me if I would like to come, but I said I would rather not because it would make me uncomfortable. I said that I would drop him off, though, and wait for him in the car. I did exactly that, and I didn’t have a problem with it at the time. I did ask if my partner wanted to go to lunch, but he said he didn’t want to cancel on his plans with Steve because he didn’t want to be rude.
Just thought I’d tell you this as I previously left it out (not on purpose, I just forgot that I didn’t express it).
What’re your thoughts?
Hope you’re safe, healthy and well!
kiwiboy0897March 23, 2020 at 5:36 am #344734
I’m glad they did! You deserve it! Your kind words go a long way.
I like that analogy of the elevator. This morning after I had posted, I saw that analogy and tried to apply it to the mindfulness techniques you were writing about. I started with some guided meditation, and continued to shun and dismiss my imaginative thoughts from reality, as well as adding more embers to the flame.
Here is the retelling of the story I posted earlier, considering the sounds I hear and how my body feels, emotionally:
It’s almost like a dark flash. I was relaxed, poised in bed. Everything was comfortable, I was in a state of bliss and I was captured in sleep. My eyes opened, and I was confused. I saw the silhouette of my sisters face on top of mine, her hands grasping my shoulders, waking me up. ‘Wake up, wake up!’ I am four years old. She is eleven. We share a room, because I think she’s brave and she gives me courage. She is angry sometimes, and that makes me worried for her, but it’s funny. She protects me. Waking up, I remember being confused. Were we gonna sneak out of our room and play a game? Were we going to check out my brothers new computer, now that the others were all asleep? I was curious. I was excited. But, my body was still tired. It was dark, and I was sleepy. This is when I began to realise we weren’t the only ones awake. I could hear my brother, yelling. I could hear my father doing the same, and the sounds of metal things being thrown. Maybe just once or twice. I was worried, but I still felt safe. I was at home, and nothing can ever hurt me at home. I don’t remember exactly what happened after this. I just remember my sister holding my hand as we stand in the kitchen door. We walk in together, and another glimpse memory loss moment. Next, I am standing, just inside the kitchen. Our kitchen is pretty huge. My mum is by the sink, her hair is let down in a pony-tail. My sister is kneeling beside me, holding me with both her arms and sobbing. This makes me feel happy in a way, because now I am protecting her. It makes me feel like she needs me, and that she dragged me out of bed because she didn’t want to watch this alone. But she knew she had to. I am caressing her back with my left hand, tapping on her shoulder, ‘tap, tap, tap’ simultaneously muttering “it’s okay.” I look up, and my dad is standing away from my mum, facing the door to the hallway on the other side of the kitchen. The side that my sister and I didn’t come out of. That side connects to my brothers room. He is yelling, and watching him yell makes me flinch. It makes my heart race, and I begin to get scared. But, I have my sister so I know I’ll be okay. My brother walks out of the hallway, replying with more yelling. He is carrying his computer monitor. He throws it at my dad, but close enough for him to catch it. He didn’t get much distance, so it didn’t hurt him. I begin to get confused and even more scared and worried now. Why is he throwing his computer monitor at dad? He likes his computer, after all. My brother is yelling at him for a reason, and I can understand that it is justified. It is not out of pure anger or vengeance or teenage hormones or anything like that. I understood at that point in time, he had a very good reason (at least from his perspective) to do that, to throw things and to yell at dad and not feel guilty because he was doing it in front of us all. Mum didn’t even move, or say anything. I could tell he was protecting her like I was protecting my sister, or that’s how I felt. I was confused, I was scared and my feet were cold on that vinyl flooring in the middle of who knows what time it even was. That’s all I really remember accurately from that night, that and my sisters distinct cry with her husky voice and the stains on my shoulder from her tears. That’s one of the earliest memories I can recall, and I still don’t understand what happened that night. It’s like an unsolved mystery to me. I’ve never asked, but I think I have the courage to ask. I’m not afraid of asking, I just never thought about it before I guess.
Thank you for staying updated and encouraging me to share my story. I’ve never retold that to anyone (besides my partner I think), and I think that’s because I chose to keep it buried.
Thank you for your well wishes. I too hope you are keeping safe amongst everything that is happening globally at the moment, and wish you nothing but continuous health and prosperity.
All the best, always!
kiwiboy0897March 22, 2020 at 2:59 pm #344660
If I’m honest, when I started this blog post, I didn’t think I would encounter such help. I understood that I had underlying fears and issues I needed to address and conquer, so I sincerely thank you for guiding me in this whole process and journey thus far. But in reply to you:
1. He is a very wonderful person, and I am grateful and humbled to have him in my life. I won’t give up on him! I agree with what you’ve said, and it makes lots of sense. Very relatable. Reading that, I have begun to understand that he is a loveable, wonderful and great human being and partner. He is not perfect, yet his imperfection makes him perfect to me in his own way. And his imperfection makes him who he is, and I am satisfied and content with who he is, so I am content with that. Thank you for giving me this newfound reality and perspective!
2. Yes, that’s a good observation. If anything, I have escalated and intensified the thought process so much more than the reality was. I thought ‘worst case scenario,’ and thought that if I adapted and thought about that, then the reality of the situation (which actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was in hindsight) wouldn’t be as intense. An example to explain this would be my partner would say something like “I admire Steve’s ambition,” and in my head I would hear something like (or intensify it as something like) “I am falling in love with Steve’s personality,” and I think it does have something to do with the embers that you have explained. The itch analogy made a lot of sense to me, and this one you have also discussed makes a lot of sense as well. I am glad I am learning more about myself and my patterns through your observations. If I’m honest, when you explain how it happens (how the embers catch fire), that is exactly the process in my head. I always thought that if I added more thought, then it’d go away. I didn’t truly realise to achieve this was to in fact do the opposite. Also, thank you for giving me some methods to stop adding more thoughts!
3. I will do my best to repost what I shared. I know you usually get off the computer soon (or in a few hours), and it’s morning where I am now, so I will probably be back later tonight to do this. I have some university assignments I need to complete today, but I think this exercise will be very helpful.
Thank you for all the time and effort you have put towards these forums for my sake and for my wellbeing. I want you to know and understand that I truly and sincerely am so grateful, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continuous discussion with me.
Can’t wait to hear from you again!
kiwiboy0897March 22, 2020 at 4:17 am #344570
Just want to add… I’ve realised I feel an underlying sense of humiliation. I think it’s because I was very proud about my relationship and never expected anything like this to happen, and because my partner told Steve.
Any advice on how to deal with this?
kiwiboy0897March 22, 2020 at 12:47 am #344556
Thanks. Yeah, I guess the fact that they were friends and it lead to Steve confessing his feelings is kind of what scares me. It’s almost this thought of “what if they become friends again, and Steve can’t help himself or can’t control himself this time?” I know there’s no chance their friendship can be rekindled though, and trust in my partners lack in wanting to rekindle or restart the friendship ever. But, the thought still scares me.
kiwiboy0897March 21, 2020 at 6:47 pm #344536
That makes lots of sense to me and allows me to see my fears and anxieties in a new light.
My partner is very generous and giving. One of the traits I love the most which he possesses is his generosity. He doesn’t mind putting others before himself, and doesn’t do this for prides sake either. He is genuinely a kind and loving person who likes to see the good in all people.
I would get annoyed to think of my partner spending money on Steve, though.
Also, how do you suggest I conquer this fear? It does make sense. And if I’m honest, the thought of my partner simply even being friends with Steve scares me. I know it shouldn’t, and I recognise it’s stupid that it does because I know within me, nothing would ever become of it… He is very loyal. But, I can’t shake the fear.
kiwiboy0897March 20, 2020 at 3:23 pm #344406
I knew about it because all my siblings would talk about it. I didn’t understand it at first, but then it clicked to me. Most nights I’d wake up in the middle of the night to them fighting. I remember one night I woke up hugging my older sister while she was crying and my brother was having a fight with my dad over it. Another time my dad threw a glass cup at her face and she had to get stitches. I remember feeling sad and empathetic towards my mum. I remember feeling confused and having resentment towards my dad because of my confusion. I remember my mum always pretending like everything was okay when it wasn’t, her hiding her emotions from us as much as she could. We also knew the woman: she was a family friend, and we’d be at her house playing with her kids quite often. I remember hearing that she wanted him and used him for his money which is what made him spiral into debt. This is mostly what I remember.
kiwiboy0897March 20, 2020 at 3:04 pm #344400
How do I do this? How do I change this and stop this projection? Can you explain it further?