Dear A:

When a young mammal is abandoned by its mother, it is a death sentence for the young: no food or shelter or protection from predators. A human child, when abandoned by her mother, or when perceiving she may be abandoned, feels the same fear that other young mammals feel, a fear that fits a death sentence.

Fast forward, you feel attached to this young man and the fear awakens, even though you are an adult and him leaving you is in no way a death sentence. The fear though is the same.

“It’s horrible to be aware of your own toxic coping mechanisms and have no clue how to change them”-  First thing to do is to lessen that original fear. With less fear you will think more clearly and be in more control of your behavior. Best place to do that is in quality psychotherapy. Outside of therapy, there are different practices that lessen fear: guided meditations available online, mindfulness exercises available online, in books and magazines, yoga, tai-chi, aerobic exercise, having a daily routine and more.

But more insight into your original fear, and processing of those early emotions are necessary for the lessening of the fear, in addition to the practices above.

There is more, but I will stop here and wait for your thoughts about what I wrote so far.

anita