Dear Kate:

You shared that you are 20, living with your mother and a 17 year old sibling. Your mother is in the midst of a breakup with her ex-fiancé. She has been sharing with you her feelings about her breakup, and began sharing with you things she dislikes about your father and his family. In the past, you felt that her emotions were your responsibility. Now, you want to “lend a compassionate ear for her during this difficult time while communicating that I cannot be a therapist for her.. to support her during her suffering in the most healthy and skillful way for both of us”.

You asked: “How would one go about this?”-

-My answer: first, prepare that your mother may not be open to you supporting her in “the most healthy and skillful way for both of (you)”, that she may want you to support her only in the way she wants you to  support her, as unhealthy as it may be. If  you change the rules on her, so to speak, she may get angry and attack you somehow.

Children, of minor and adult age, tend to believe that a parent needs the child in ways that the parent does not. For example, my mother shared her suffering with me. I thought she wanted me to help her cut down on her suffering, so  I gave her advice, and good advice. but she didn’t want my advice (and attacked me when she didn’t like my advice). What she wanted from me was a passive recipient to her venting, who will say: “yes, yes” to every question she had.

Do you know your mother’s motivation, what it is that she wants from you when she shares her suffering and complaints with you? If you don’t know, ask her at a moment when the two of you are calm, ask her in a straightforward, clear way and in a casual tone. After you get that information, you can proceed from there.

You are welcome to post again for more of my input.

anita