Hello Anita,

I hope you are well.

I am sorry for the delayed and thank you for the very in depth reply. I have read all you have written quite a few times to take it all in.

I understand when you say we BOTH need help, i completely agree with this and i have on numerous times asked him that we go together for couples counselling but he regards it as silly and that if i was just ”happy” then ”we” wouldn’t be an issue. It seems that i am always the issue because i am never just happy with what i have. I sometimes believe this to be true and i think to myself why am i not happy ? I have a roof over my head, food on the table and stable job, but is all this meant to make me happy with in myself? Is it because i dont love myself yet, is it because i feel no love? So many questions that i feel are un-answered because i feel that i bottle everything up as i cannot express how i feel to him. I dont express these emotions to my family as they always have biased views and state that i need to come home.

I see how my childhood traumas come to light in my adulthood 100%; the need for acceptance and admiration, the fear of rejection and abandonment and would do anything to achieve acceptance and admiration and would do anything to prevent rejection even if it means im hurting myself i.e. staying in a situation that does not benefit me.

I do believe that i have helped him with his struggles i.e. not having a connection with his son or family and i slowly slowly have made him feel comfortable with this. He now has a lovely blossoming relationship with his son and more of a relationship with his family too. I feel being with me has made him a little more humble to others around him and to situations, this may just be down to the fact i have just ”rubbed” off on him. I know i have not helped him with his ongoing issues mentally, maybe i worded what i had said wrong as you are right he has not changed nor have i helped him ”mentally”.

I am very tired Anita, i am tired of wanting things to happen, wanting to, as you said to stop hurting one another and to help one another in a healthy way, but this does not seem to happen. I wish we could just sit down as adults and talk it through, but i know this will not happen, even in quarantine. The truth scares me, i know when you are with someone they are meant to bring out the best in you… i haven’t felt my best in a very long time, but my love for him and the amount of love and determination i have put into this relationship to actually make it work, sometimes does stop me from walking away to focus on myself.

I can get professional help, but how does this help us? It helps me and he will not go, so it doesn’t help us. I know throughout all my posts everyone has stated the obvious. He is not the one and you need to focus on yourself.

I will adhere to what you have said and take a humble approach and attitude during these times; it is very hard however, like you have stated above i feel unsafe and that i do! He hasnt been here for such a long time, and is going away again as he has to replace someone who’s family has been struck with virus, so another 3 months till i see him again as of next week. A very stressful time for me too, as i have no one here and i will be going to work as i am classified as a key worker. Again the worry if anything happens to me, ill be all alone again and with the lock down, no one to even come round to the house.

I also think my expectations were set to high and my visions of where id be as a 31 year old have not matched to where i thought id be now… and this comparison makes me feel low…

Sorry for rambling Anita

x