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Soul-searcher

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  • #321059

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    Thank you for your reply, right ok i think i am on the same page now 🙂

    The relationship has become a lot better than it has been however, still dysfunctional as it is a military relationship. I do see where you are coming from though and now that you have put it in that perspective it probabaly did come from there as these ED issuea werent so evident or apparent before i had met my partner.

    I must have to retract what i had said about me and my mother being a like, in the last year or two i have realised how different i am to my mother but we do however share a few little things here and there that have most probabaly been passed on i.e. anxiety, being a stress head, always thinking the worst has happened. Not the most severe degree as she does but part of that.

    X

    #320923

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello there Anita,

    ”proceeding into  the disordered eating you described in your new thread.. how can this possibly be an easier life?” So are you saying the way my relationship has been is the cause of my disordered eating? How so?

    Thank you Anita for always trying to help as much as you can to the best of your abilities and i am trying to understand a lot of what you are saying, could be that i havent had my coffee yet or that it is still quite early but i am struggling to understand what it all means.. especially this ”Maybe you get that from her, putting yourself first”

    Anxiously awaiting your response

    x

    #320915

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi there Inky

    Thank you so much for you reply, I honestly did not realise that i am not completely alone in this.

    I have never thought about the prepackaged meals so i don’t have to think about food, however this could be costly. I could however do a huge meal plan for myself, or ask someone who knows how to do this and i go weekly and buy all the ingredients. Not sure, it just feels that i am in such a rut at the moment that i cant seem to get out of.

    Yes but is it honestly because i am not eating enough calories, or is it because my mental block is preventing me to motivate myself because i keep telling myself i am too tired, i am fat anyway whats the point? I dont know what it is.

    Yes my partner has such a healthy relationship with food, i envy him for this. When he goes to the gym he de-stresses and really enjoys it, doesn’t count calories just eyeballs things when he serves his food.

    Thank you for your support x

    #320913

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi K,

    So sorry for the late reply, work has been so hectic this week i have not found any spare time to reply. Thank you so much for your in depth reply. Yes i can totally relate to everything you have said however, i have never tried to make myself sick, i find the whole retching gagging process painful. It will sometimes get to the point where i would have been good all day, come home and then binge eat everything relatively unhealthy that i have at home, or eat too much of it. Then of course comes the overwhelming sense of guilt and punishment. I too have body dysmorphia, i will look at myself in pictures and cringe and think i am so fat, when others cant see that.

    Thank you for letting me know about higher weight anorexia, i have never heard of this and will do a little bit of research on it too. The fact that it is uncommon makes me feel that i am whinging for no reason, no one will get me and no one does to be honest, I am not necessarily fat but i am most definitely thin!

    It is very exhausting and i truly am mentally exhausted and i have reached a plateau with my weight and my motivation has gone downhill with my negative thinking, self criticism and constant punishment. I will wake up in the morning and if i do not go to the gym i will have a quick breakfast of eggs and a slice of toast and have a healthy lunch and dinner however, if there are biscuits or anything sweet around ( note that i have just eaten and still feel hungry) i will eat it and excuse myself for eating such as; i have had such a rough day i deserve it. I may eat 4 biscuits and feel so so bad and then come home eat a good dinner and eat too many almonds, or scoff too many calories than i should. Even just going through this with you has caused me stress, i am so sorry you are going through this too. x

    #208109

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Airene

    Hurt me in the sense of changing his mind about moving country with me, lie to me, cheat on me…this type of hurt

    Blessings

    #208105

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I dont know anymore, i dont think theres much more to be done. He will never change and i have a strange  addiction to this man, and i dont know why. I think it stems very very deep as to why i cant let go of someone whos obviously not good for me

    #207275

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    I am just finding it so hard and i dont know how to act around him. There is constant thoughts going in my head at what may happen next , what is he planning? Is he going to hurt me? He is most definately emotionally distant, hardly says I love you anymore. I told him id fly over for a few days to come and see him and he seemed so neutral about it, usually he would be straight on booking the tickets for me. Its just not who he is!! How do i stop myself from feeling so frustrated and wanting to end it all. I feel so tired sometime because it always seems i keep making excuses for his actions and his behaviour 🙁

    #207263

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Its been 4 months now that i overcame depression, only now has depression begun to creep in and out.

    Blessings

    #207059

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    He lied about seeking help, i know now he will never seek help . Everyone has told him too, including his mother whom he respects very much, even though they dont speak often. He wont listen, he has however said he knows he has issues but he doesnt believe seeking help will do him any good, no matter what we tell him he just wont go. I went to therapy and i got much better,  i bettered myself massively but depression is creeping back again. I am asking him to just talk it through, thats all we need, i need to know what he is feeling and why he is feeling this way, i cant think of anything  of else to have triggered him to be this way apart from his deployment.  If we communicate maybe that way we can see what and how we are both feeling and what needs to be done, but whenever i even mention the notion to talk he gets angry and ignores me. I really dont know what to do and how to handle it anymore.

     

     

    #206969

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    IIt just seems that it is PTSD, he’s never acted tthis way and I really am struggling with it. He’s always been controlling, has no patience and could be a little abrupt at times, but not like this, this is something entirely different! He is so so distant, he used to be so sweet and kind and would always say i miss you, would always say i love you, would make sure I was ok and would call me as much as he could. Now there’s absolutely nothing, we struggling to have a conversation on the phone, he’s always in a rush to be doing other things, if its anything serious we have to talk about then that is a definite no go area. I’ve been sending him links for houses that he could be interested I’ve said to him could you please let me know which ones you like . .It’s been a week and I’ve heard nothing from him in regards to any house. I’m too scared to bring things up incase the reaction he will have. I am so tired I feel so pathetic, I feel like I’m begging him to love me! I went and bought him some gifts online to cheer him up and got them delivered to the house, he said thank you and seemed so hapoy with them and that was it 5 mins of joy. Then it was the same again when we went to say good night..we couldn’t speak, he was tired. This morning I was very busy at work and had managed to send at least one message. Usually hed send me lovely messages, his message today was about him cooking breakfast, and that he is making a coffee and etc.. that was all. Nothing else ..and I am just so fed up of giving his behaviour excuses all the damn time! And I just lost it.. I really don’t think i can do this anymore  I stuck by him for 5 months went and fought through depression on my own and I was getting better actually no I got better ! Since he left my home town .. it’s been hell, have had suicidal thoughts nearly every night now and I don’t know how to cope anymore I really don’t, I’ve literallt just sent a message asking to leave me alone for now and that his behaviour is killing us!

     

    I don’t deserve this ..what have I done to him to deserve it .. 🙁 please help me someone

    #198353

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes i am hoping it will be a good experience too my dear.. i need to try and prepare myself in case of the worst, even though i hate the thought of thinking of the worst, if you know what i mean.

    Blessings

    #198349

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    I started to take Evening Primrose oil and WOW, it really helped me, i saw my period on sunday and i only had minor cramping and hardly any mood swings, but i did however have my usual cravings for crisps and chocolate lol

    Blessings

    #198345

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi there Ashley

    Well at the moment i am in another country, working full time and because i suffer from anxiety and the thought of going to a new gym on my own, so i work out at home 6 x a week and it really does help with my depression too. After a work out i feel great! When i was over at ”home” i used to go to the gym 3x a week though 🙂

    Exercise is brilliant, i sometimes need that little bit of motivation to do so 🙂

    Blessings

    #198333

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello there Isabel

    Thank you for your reply 🙂

    My Reiki Healer also teaches Reiki and it is something i may be interested in the near future in doing.

    Each time i have a reiki healing session it is completely and utterly different, one week i felt a very fast swirling right under my belly button ( in the womb area) and it was very strange. The next time i felt like a heaviness on my chest and it was going towards my throat and it felt like it needed to get out, i felt a little anxious and then i felt calm. So many strange yet wonderful feelings and i truly believe it has helped me.

    I tried countless psychologists, Councillors and psychiatrists and it didnt help me, i found it so painful opening up my past over and over again, of course each one gave me reasons and explanations as to why i felt the way i did and why i act the way i act and insightful information but nothing i felt that could help me. I find Reiki truly has helped me with my insomnia and my anxiety. I was on xanax and sleeping tablets to get through the day and to be able to sleep at night as i was suffering from constant nightmares, night sweats, depression and severe anxiety. My depression still comes in phases as does my anxiety, but nothing like how i used to suffer.

    Blessings and love

    #198329

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello there Anita,

    Long time no talk, i hope all is well with you.

    I don’t know why but i thought i had replied to this post.

    In regards to his mother being strict; He and his sister weren’t allowed to go out, no sleepovers and no parties etc which is why my partner rebelled quite a lot.

    You are right about if someone wants to do something it means that they already have the motivation to do so, but i dont know i feel something is holding him back and each time he does talk to them hes so happy and kisses me and thanks me for making him call. I dont mean to bring him any harm by talking to his parents, if they didnt get on and they were horrid to him then i wouldnt force him to be nice to them, but they love him very much but its just seems the effort to talk to them has dwindled a lot throughout the years. Since his deployment, hes asked me several times to call them for him and to send them his love as he isnt able to call from his phone, only via whatsapp and they dont have that app. I must admit i was shocked but i was happy that even though he wasnt personally doing it , that he wanted me to send his love. I called them and they were so happy to hear from me, which in turn made me feel good.

    Still no answer in regards to application and my anxiety is really kicking in, i am scared that he already knows and isnt telling me. He has however told me that he is coming here in 2 weeks, and i cannot wait for this reunion. However living in limbo right now is awful.

    Blessings

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 114 total)