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I would love to also be ready for my journey
Hi there Anita,
If only it were that easy to just say i am love-able and to fully accept it. I don’t know what i can do to apart from try to practise self-love, meditation and things that make me happier to help with the process of loving myself.
What you have said somewhat scares me, will i really never be ok and happy and just have these happy emotions from time to time? Does this mean i will never be happy in any relationship or job i pursue in life?
The thing is that I wasn’t feeling this way when I was in London, even though it wasn’t perfect there at all. Life was tough, I didn’t have much money, I felt lonely. But also powerful and independent and free. And I keep going back to that feeling and I ask myself what does it mean to live by your values and whether a place can really change the way you perceive yourself – shouldn’t I feel free, powerful and independent wherever I am? Does the city I live in really matter so much for my mental health –
Narsil this resonates with me so much too! I moved from my home town to the UK, and like you nothing was ”perfect” over there but i was happy, i felt independent and free too. I have been on and off in the UK for going on 6 years now and i still havent found my ”truth” as you put it so nicely.
I dont think it’s the place as such but how you perceive the place itself, i find that i am mostly myself in a place where i feel comfortable and that tends to be ”home”. We can all make a conscious effort in making a new place home, but i have really struggled with this. I get on just fine here, i have a steady job, a lovely house that we rent etc.. but am i 100% happy? No, and because of this i tend to have more of a negative mindset which affects me mentally and physically.
The answer to your question is basically yes, it does affect your mental health because we are allowing it too.
I know that i want to go back home and could not see myself living here forever, but i need to do things before i can.
Thank you for your kindness and your wisdom. Maybe at this point, the best thing for me to do is to do some self-reflecting, soul searching and try to help myself. This will not be an easy task, i don’t even know where to begin, i try very hard to change my mindset despite how i am feeling but i really do struggle.
I do ask myself each day, why cant i just be content with what i have and stop wanting and searching for happiness, but i simply cannot. I am a very confused person, i cant figure me out, how can i expect others to?
I hope you are well.
I am sorry for the delayed and thank you for the very in depth reply. I have read all you have written quite a few times to take it all in.
I understand when you say we BOTH need help, i completely agree with this and i have on numerous times asked him that we go together for couples counselling but he regards it as silly and that if i was just ”happy” then ”we” wouldn’t be an issue. It seems that i am always the issue because i am never just happy with what i have. I sometimes believe this to be true and i think to myself why am i not happy ? I have a roof over my head, food on the table and stable job, but is all this meant to make me happy with in myself? Is it because i dont love myself yet, is it because i feel no love? So many questions that i feel are un-answered because i feel that i bottle everything up as i cannot express how i feel to him. I dont express these emotions to my family as they always have biased views and state that i need to come home.
I see how my childhood traumas come to light in my adulthood 100%; the need for acceptance and admiration, the fear of rejection and abandonment and would do anything to achieve acceptance and admiration and would do anything to prevent rejection even if it means im hurting myself i.e. staying in a situation that does not benefit me.
I do believe that i have helped him with his struggles i.e. not having a connection with his son or family and i slowly slowly have made him feel comfortable with this. He now has a lovely blossoming relationship with his son and more of a relationship with his family too. I feel being with me has made him a little more humble to others around him and to situations, this may just be down to the fact i have just ”rubbed” off on him. I know i have not helped him with his ongoing issues mentally, maybe i worded what i had said wrong as you are right he has not changed nor have i helped him ”mentally”.
I am very tired Anita, i am tired of wanting things to happen, wanting to, as you said to stop hurting one another and to help one another in a healthy way, but this does not seem to happen. I wish we could just sit down as adults and talk it through, but i know this will not happen, even in quarantine. The truth scares me, i know when you are with someone they are meant to bring out the best in you… i haven’t felt my best in a very long time, but my love for him and the amount of love and determination i have put into this relationship to actually make it work, sometimes does stop me from walking away to focus on myself.
I can get professional help, but how does this help us? It helps me and he will not go, so it doesn’t help us. I know throughout all my posts everyone has stated the obvious. He is not the one and you need to focus on yourself.
I will adhere to what you have said and take a humble approach and attitude during these times; it is very hard however, like you have stated above i feel unsafe and that i do! He hasnt been here for such a long time, and is going away again as he has to replace someone who’s family has been struck with virus, so another 3 months till i see him again as of next week. A very stressful time for me too, as i have no one here and i will be going to work as i am classified as a key worker. Again the worry if anything happens to me, ill be all alone again and with the lock down, no one to even come round to the house.
I also think my expectations were set to high and my visions of where id be as a 31 year old have not matched to where i thought id be now… and this comparison makes me feel low…
Sorry for rambling Anita
Welcome back! Your partner is still in the military, your relationship with him is almost 5.5 years old, started, I believe in December 2014. His son is about nine.
Good Morning Anita,
I have missed you and this forum, I have been so busy i don’t seem to find to browse on this wonderful website.
Yes you are right about partner, relationship and the age of his soon.
Hmm I never thought that it could be down to the Covid-19 affecting my stress levels, i just think from being on my own for 3 months, then being in self isolation and then lock down hit me hard. I was not able to see anyone and at least when i was at work i could see my colleagues, but then i got laryngitis and was sent home. Being sick and not having one person look after you is also quite depressing.
I understand what you are saying here in regards to confrontation etc, unfortunately as i think you know from previous posts, he is the worst at communicating, he doesn’t know how to and talking to him is even worse than talking to a brick wall. Fortunately he has been able to still train on base, but now he will be home for the next week and half, so i don’t know how his attitude will be. I will take your advise however, and keep the peace until I hope at some point things can calm down.
At that time, late Oct last year, six months ago, you felt “so exhausted.. can’t even look in the mirror some days.. so tired with work.. I feel fat, I feel disgusted with myself”. I suppose in the last three months, you felt better (“I felt good about myself, motivated”), and now, you feel badly again. – This is what i find strange Anita and something that i at times don’t want to admit to others as i feel…how can i put this without sounding out the obvious truth to myself that i am so obviously scared of. When he is away from me i thrive… as in; i work more on my mental and physical health i.e meditation, reading my books, listening to calming music, working out, going for nature walks. When he is back, i dont find the motivation to do all that or i feel that i cant do that because he is here. I am still trying to figure out why that is and why it happens to me. Is it because i feel threatened by his physical aesthetics and i feel inferior (look at him and then look at me, what is he doing with me) or is it because i am so used to him not being here, that he is disrupting ”my space”? I really do not know what it is.
Thank you again Anita for your ongoing help, i hope you are keeping safe in these awful times.
Thank you Peggy,
I have a journal..i will start to write how i feel and write down those 3 things. Hopefully this will help.
Thank you again x
Good morning Anita,
Thank you for your reply, right ok i think i am on the same page now 🙂
The relationship has become a lot better than it has been however, still dysfunctional as it is a military relationship. I do see where you are coming from though and now that you have put it in that perspective it probabaly did come from there as these ED issuea werent so evident or apparent before i had met my partner.
I must have to retract what i had said about me and my mother being a like, in the last year or two i have realised how different i am to my mother but we do however share a few little things here and there that have most probabaly been passed on i.e. anxiety, being a stress head, always thinking the worst has happened. Not the most severe degree as she does but part of that.
Hello there Anita,
”proceeding into the disordered eating you described in your new thread.. how can this possibly be an easier life?” So are you saying the way my relationship has been is the cause of my disordered eating? How so?
Thank you Anita for always trying to help as much as you can to the best of your abilities and i am trying to understand a lot of what you are saying, could be that i havent had my coffee yet or that it is still quite early but i am struggling to understand what it all means.. especially this ”Maybe you get that from her, putting yourself first”
Anxiously awaiting your response
Hi there Inky
Thank you so much for you reply, I honestly did not realise that i am not completely alone in this.
I have never thought about the prepackaged meals so i don’t have to think about food, however this could be costly. I could however do a huge meal plan for myself, or ask someone who knows how to do this and i go weekly and buy all the ingredients. Not sure, it just feels that i am in such a rut at the moment that i cant seem to get out of.
Yes but is it honestly because i am not eating enough calories, or is it because my mental block is preventing me to motivate myself because i keep telling myself i am too tired, i am fat anyway whats the point? I dont know what it is.
Yes my partner has such a healthy relationship with food, i envy him for this. When he goes to the gym he de-stresses and really enjoys it, doesn’t count calories just eyeballs things when he serves his food.
Thank you for your support x
So sorry for the late reply, work has been so hectic this week i have not found any spare time to reply. Thank you so much for your in depth reply. Yes i can totally relate to everything you have said however, i have never tried to make myself sick, i find the whole retching gagging process painful. It will sometimes get to the point where i would have been good all day, come home and then binge eat everything relatively unhealthy that i have at home, or eat too much of it. Then of course comes the overwhelming sense of guilt and punishment. I too have body dysmorphia, i will look at myself in pictures and cringe and think i am so fat, when others cant see that.
Thank you for letting me know about higher weight anorexia, i have never heard of this and will do a little bit of research on it too. The fact that it is uncommon makes me feel that i am whinging for no reason, no one will get me and no one does to be honest, I am not necessarily fat but i am most definitely thin!
It is very exhausting and i truly am mentally exhausted and i have reached a plateau with my weight and my motivation has gone downhill with my negative thinking, self criticism and constant punishment. I will wake up in the morning and if i do not go to the gym i will have a quick breakfast of eggs and a slice of toast and have a healthy lunch and dinner however, if there are biscuits or anything sweet around ( note that i have just eaten and still feel hungry) i will eat it and excuse myself for eating such as; i have had such a rough day i deserve it. I may eat 4 biscuits and feel so so bad and then come home eat a good dinner and eat too many almonds, or scoff too many calories than i should. Even just going through this with you has caused me stress, i am so sorry you are going through this too. x
Hurt me in the sense of changing his mind about moving country with me, lie to me, cheat on me…this type of hurt
I dont know anymore, i dont think theres much more to be done. He will never change and i have a strange addiction to this man, and i dont know why. I think it stems very very deep as to why i cant let go of someone whos obviously not good for me
I am just finding it so hard and i dont know how to act around him. There is constant thoughts going in my head at what may happen next , what is he planning? Is he going to hurt me? He is most definately emotionally distant, hardly says I love you anymore. I told him id fly over for a few days to come and see him and he seemed so neutral about it, usually he would be straight on booking the tickets for me. Its just not who he is!! How do i stop myself from feeling so frustrated and wanting to end it all. I feel so tired sometime because it always seems i keep making excuses for his actions and his behaviour 🙁
Its been 4 months now that i overcame depression, only now has depression begun to creep in and out.