Thanku so much Anita.

Im not doing so well again.

So russell actually phoned me this morning, after a long few days wait and not knowing what was going on. Days ago he said he would ring me in the night and it never happened.

Its unsual.

Like i siad he has been pyschotic. And i know i cant be putting my needs on this ill person. But hes been my familair and now         its just eztremely hurtful to me.

So he rang this morning and asked what i was doing today and if we wanted to catch up and go for a walk. I jumped at that because i thought id never see him again cause its been nothing from him.

I really have needed him and know its not healthy but its something esp in this climate with all thats going on. Nothings ever balck and white.

i thought he probably had a long sleep for days and maybe thats why he didnt contact me before esp being ill. And it seemed he was at least a bit okay now. So when he rang for a walk i felt like a flower opened up in me as the last few days had been so rough and painful and lonely, agonising what was going on and waiting and waiting.

i decided last night since i couldnt contact him thu online and i was terrified of ringing him, that i needed to feel in control somehow, so i wrote and drew a card and just was compassionate and told him to ring me. And i felt better about that.

Only he never got it and i think it ended in the neighbors letterbox instead, it was at night and i was so nervous going to that street and all the bins were out lol. But even tho this morning i was able to tell him about the letter/card i sent in his mailbox he told me it wasnt there and he wasnt in a rush to go find it in the other letterbox next door or ask about it. Even tho i felt it was something special i really wanted him to read.

So i felt a little relief like hed gone back even a tiny bit to being on his way to healing and a walk in the sunshine might do him good.

But as i was showering getting ready, he rang up to tell me he couldnt go for the walk and when i asked him why, he said he didnt know. And then basically hung up on me.

I know i shouldnt take this personally, hes obv unwell but i cant help it. It really broke me down.

How cant this person who alway promised me hed be there for me, never hurt me and that he loves me act like that? Its as if to say his psychosis is something that is stopping him from seeing me, some narrative in his mind.

I have anxiety disorder and its hard for me to not break down.

So i felt i needed to take control of the situation for myself. So i took that fear i had with ringing the home phone and rang his home phone.

‘Hello, Russell speaking/..

me- hello its me- ‘

I know u are not well right now but i wanted to say that i found it very hurtful to me –

Russell –

Ill talk to you later okay.

hangs up-

.

And that was it.

It sounds not that bad when i write it, but it clearly was unwelcoming when i rang, the very fear i had came true ringing up.

So completely in screwballs in my stomach over it.

Its has really really hurt inside in my centre. Emotionally.

Theres no explanation there is just blunt rejection out of no where and thats it.

I almost feel like putting a face to that. like going over there and knocking on his door and saying hi and then driving away. Because in all the years ive known him, he can flip his emotions into acknowledgement.

I feel like ive done something wrong. I really wanted him to read my card. but he even tho he is ill , has been very cruel to me. I cant imagine what he would be like if i were like that to him.

I cant function. I know i make a big deal and the obvious is hes just not even able to be sane right now, but its as tho hes painted me as this person to disrespect. He chooses to ignore and not care even when he is not doing anything.

Many years ago in my 20s (im in my late 30s) i was sexually and emotionally abused and after all that, coming home to quite white noise and despair of complete rejection afterwards. It feels just like that again.

I mean all this has to be just when self isolation is going on. Its so horrible.

When i was on the phone this morning, when i said i was worried about him, he said why dont i just ring up.

And yet today i did and he rejected me. again.

Its out of character to him.

I think ill make another card. idk. I just need to express myself and feel like im being heard. I never did that back in the day in my youth.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Karene.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Karene.