Yes, I definitely agree. In fact i would tell him all the dangers of crystal meth. I hated that he actually resorted to doing that stuff as it was completely dangerous in so many ways. Especially to him. It was always a huge anger and frustration of mine to have to be passive-aggressive and try to be positive in the aspects of moving him to a much healthier life than drugs.

He takes Risperdal which is an antipsychotic in the form of a needle every fortnight. Ive known him for 4 years intensely and knew his mental health patterns. Erratic, anxious, serious, monotone, gone and then clown. I kind of knew when he was most likely on his ice because he would be proactive and start cleaning the house he lives in and cooking his mothers tea and things like that.  I really had to dig hard and out of my own values in order to find compassion on his grounds. I had so many negative feelings towards his choices and namely id call it so dumb.

But to him i had to work out why. And ive read quite a few books on schizophrenia and on ice/meth and why people take that stuff and how it affects them. One of the things that i found def applied to russell was that he felt like he was on an adventure, like he was doing something with people and it was exciting and people wanted to be around him. It mentions reasons like this why schizophrenic people can go towards the drug – the social component.

Then there was being able to feel alive again.  Being on anti-psychotics leaves the person with negative side affects that make them hard to concentrate on anything and sleeping long hours and bluntly unable to really feel.

When they take meth or ice , no matter how nasty that stuff is to the body and whatever its made out of, people like russell use it to feel again.

So i could understand those things.

But it makes me so angry that you knew it was going to happen. That he was going to be in psychosis again.

With Russell, he did contact me this afternoon.

His mum gave him the card i made.

And when he was on the phone it brought everything out of my own mess of woes and right into compassion for him.

It was terrifying to hear him quietly on the phone and breathing rapidly because he was so terrified. He even said he was.

So he is and has been deep in psychosis for days now and yet he is still home and his mum is looking after him.

I think its tricky for him to be able to go into hospital. But i dont ask. I dont really talk to his mum as i get so shy.

Russell sounded like a scared little boy. He really needed comfort and i tried my best. I talked like he was a little boy and i was his mother, it was scary. I was open and nonjudging. Just really trying to help him but i still really didnt know what to say. He said he doesnt having any basketball trophies anymore, that he broke them all so i told him they can be repaired with glue.

He just was really really unwell and terrified. I was so taken aback and felt useless.

I just asked him if he was okay and what was he scared of. Obv being in psychosis its hard for anyone to believe him and so on.

After that scarey phone call during which he said he wanted to die. That really made me scared for him. I think he really needs to be in hospital and im not sure what his mum is doing.

I drove done to the loval sho to get a hydrating coconut water and some gum for him and then actually drove to his house and knock on his door but there was no answer. My heart was beating so fast as my social phobia and anxiety and adrenalin.

I mean a pyschotic person, you never know. But there was no answer so i left the bag of things on the doorstep and then when i got home rang his phone where his mother answered and i told her there was the bag there.

So after all that, its not that he is directly not wanting to know me. Its that he is going through this terrifying and grueling time in his life once again where reality has been warped and he doesnt know what is real and not.

I feel so much empathy for him its very upsetting. Now i cant really stay calm. I fear for him during this time. I dont want him to hurt himself.

His mother should be doing more. I dont know.

The other night when i was actually in contact with him – about 6 days ago  he had such a pain in his liver and i helped him out with that, and he said that he was never going to take ice ever again and he meant it. He was scared for his health. And then pyschosis set in.

I know that 10 years ago he vowed he wouldn’t ever take marijuana again after smoking that daily apparently. He was shift working long hours back then and hardly eating. He had social stress and then ended up in psychosis.

If he even tried to have marijuana again he would throw up – it made him ill. And that was a daily drug he took for prob 10 years. up to that point.

I suspect that will happen with the ice meth stuff too. I think hes been absolutely terrified. Likely to not touch that stuff but have to have some sort of replacement – sugar maybe who knows.

Just right now i am so scared that he might hurt himself. And i cant really do anything.

Im really in the dark about all this and his mother likes her privacy, she lives with her 2 adult children who both have schizophrenia.

I just dont know what to do to feel not anxious for him and whats going on. I want to be able to say everything will be fine, he will sleep on it and then gradually get better.

Thats what i hope for. But what can i do?

My gut has had a work out, its such anguish.