Hi there.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this, especially in this difficult time for all.

If it helps, even though I don’t know you I don’t believe you actually are a horrible person. Especially since your concern for B and his feelings shines through. I think you are simply struggling to come to terms with making a difficult decision and the second-guessing yourself and anxiety surrounding it. Once you are sucked down into the spiral of anxiety and negative thoughts, it feels like there’s no end of the tunnel and blame yourself for everything. It is pretty much impossible to make good decisions in this state.

I read your entire posting. One of the best things I’ve found this forum can help people with is to help people see their problems through a different perspective. It’s often easier for a stranger to see what’s really likely in the situation and what’s understandably emotionally-driven.  If I read the “facts” of your situation I see;

– You had an eight year relationship with someone that you expected you would marry and spend the rest of your life with.  You believe he provided strong support for helping you through your mental heath issues and the length of time you spent together means he is very familiar, a safe place to you. The relationship also had some major problems, in particular taking you for granted from an early stage, eventually resulted in a wide gap between you as you looked to become more independent of needing his attention, gaining friends, exercising well and generally becoming more confident, less anxious.

– He abruptly and painfully ended the relationship 9 months ago, with no contact apart from a Happy Birthday message until the out of the blue reaching out to meet up & wanting you back.  When meeting up, he was not apologetic and not interested in how you had been, what had happened to you. He was very emotional and wanted you to support him and take him back. If you tried to question him, he became more emotional so you couldn’t discuss it further. He says he has changed. He calmed you down when you became emotional and it reminded you of how he used to do that for you.

– The people who know you and the situation well all advised you against returning.  Whilst you were still happy, confident, you considered everything and decided the same – that returning to him was not the best choice for you.

– You are now plagued by doubts and reliving the pain of the breakup, making you feel like you are being unfair to B.

So, my take, if it helps?  It’s a very different thing to choose not to return than it is to deal with the aftermath of a horrible break-up. Choosing creates anxiety about whether it’s the right decision for you, taking responsibility for what happens. Everything you have written suggests it was the best choice for you based on what you have shared.  You made the decision when you were feeling well, balanced. People who love you and want the best for you agree. Your ex has presented no evidence he has actually changed – indeed his behaviour in your meeting indicated the opposite, still being focused on himself and his own needs. But the anxiety involved in having to make the decision has sucked you down so much, triggering your painful IBS too – so that now you struggle to remember all that. All you know is that when you feel bad like this, he has always been your go-to, your home, to feel safe and secure again.  So instinctively, you believe that if you return, it will be that way again.

You say both A & B are willing to give you time, as they should be.  What I’d suggest is you focus on yourself. Get back out exercising, get into the fresh air. Eat well. Spend time with friends. Stop torturing yourself with the decision until you are in a fit mental state. My money’s on once you feel better in yourself, your doubts about not returning to your ex vanish and you realise you are strong enough without him. If you still think he’s the best man for you then, then you know you are choosing him for positive reasons – not out of fear of losing your safe place.

I hope it helps. I’ve been through a similar breakthrough and it’s tough. The first real relationship after something like is hard regardless of how good it is, learning to trust again is huge. I really hope it works out for you but look after yourself first. I’m sure others will be able to help more & if I can, just let me know.