Dear Lily:

I am glad you dance, please continue to dance! And I am glad that you took a long walk today and that you are feeling better.

“I am wondering, why is it so draining for me to spend a lot of time with others?”- for the same reason all of us who have strong, negative inner critics have trouble when in company for too long: the negative inner critic jumps out of us and into the other people (projecting itself, that is), so instead of you thinking: I look awkward, you think: they think I look awkward, and that makes you feel.. more awkward!

You wrote about people you were around: “I tried to make them happy.. I feared that I did not please them enough”, fearing that they were thinking displeased thoughts about you, that the inner critic projecting itself into them.

“..I feared .. also that I was not being authentic”- the inner critic doesn’t limit itself to telling you other people are displeased with you, it lets you know that .. you are not displeasing you as well. (Negative inner critics do that, giving themselves unlimited range of opportunities to criticize!)

I like reading your conclusion: listen to yourself, learn to say no, get to know the other person, so that you can understand who the  person is, and if the person is safe to be around, trustworthy, then you can feel safer and safer with that person, safer to be comfortably yourself, in their company.

I think that it is a good idea for you to make new friends, before further analysis, absolutely, at your pace and according to what is available to you, as far as safe, trustworthy people.

anita