Dear kiwiboy0897:

You wrote last month about your partner: “I keep questioning whether or not he is going to leave me and have this impending fear that he will.. the thought of my partner simply being friends with Steve scares me.. I can’t shake the fear.. the thought still scares me”-

-you are afraid that your partner will leave you for Steve. I will next refer to all your thoughts relating to your partner leaving you for Steve as your Fixation, adjective: fixated, verb: fixate. (I could refer to it as your Obsession, but I am choosing Fixation instead).

Whenever you are fixated, you feel scared; whenever you are anxious/ uncomfortable about anything, you tend to fixate.

What to do:

When you find yourself fixated, do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation: it is very simple, all you have to do is to focus on your nose, on the air going into your nose and out of your nose. Don’t force your breathing to be slower or deeper, just be aware of it and focus on it. This will give you a time-out from the fixation. After you feel calm, it will be possible for you to choose to not fixate next.

When you are already fixating and anxious, it is almost impossible to stop fixating. This is why you need the time out, it is necessary. Only when you are calm, as a result of the time-out, you can choose to not fixate.

Otherwise, when you notice that you are anxious/ uncomfortable (ex: hearing news about the pandemic, feeling too full after a meal, needing a shower, feeling tired…), do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation.

And don’t expect to never fixate again, take care of this moment only, and the next, one moment at a time and enjoy the calm when you are not fixating.

* It will also help if you find a way to express your childhood fear, maybe through art, drawing or painting, for the purpose of containing your fear in the time and place where it originated, so to free the here and now from that original fear. It takes time, of course, but better start the process. For example (and it is only an example, you choose what suits you): draw in a simplistic way, circle for head, lines for arms and legs, your father throwing a glass cup at your older sister’s face, and her face bleeding; draw your father with that other woman, the family friend,  and your mother at a distance looking at them; or draw your mother sad but pretending like everything is okay.

And post again anytime!

anita

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