Dear Anita,

I don’t know about my parents having been bullied, but I know that they have always been the kind of people who never hit back, no matter what. So, as you had said, they couldn’t teach me that.

The factors that you wrote that my troubles stem from and their results are all very well outlined. I couldn’t have written it better myself, and I really appreciate your detailed insight. It means a lot that I can feel that you care.

I am aware of the fact that money and success don’t necessarily bring happiness, but I still feel they would help me feel independent socially, because I wouldn’t be afraid of saying no or standing up for myself to people who don’t treat me right, as I would feel that I don’t need anything from them. But, while I am not a financially and professionally successful person, I do depend on them, because people are the ones who can offer me opportunities. I’ve looked back on chat that I’ve had 7 years ago with a friend of mine and it made me sad because I noticed that I told her my problems back them and they were exactly the same as now: I’ve always tried to impress people in order to be accepted (without any results), I haven’t had any confidence in myself, I had no idea how to approach girls, and I kept facing rejection.

I’m trying to be the friend I wish I had, but for others, not for myself. I’m trying to behave and talk to people the way I wish my best friend would do to me, but they don’t seem to need that from me. Everybody seems well off without me, and this doesn’t encourage me in my pursuit of finding new friends, because it all makes me feel like I’m forcing things, and a real friendship cannot be forced; it must work naturally. I recently tried becoming friends with a girl I’ve known for a long time. Our families are very good friends, and we are almost the same age. We’ve talked sometimes but we were never friends. I visited her a few times, I gave her a gift on her birthday and I invited her over to watch a movie or out in the city to just talk (I am sure she didn’t see my invitations as dates because I didn’t behave that way with her). I’ve never said anything stupid or offensive to her, and I actually always tried to have interesting conversations with her, and I even opened up to her about myself a few times, but not too much, because I tried to make the conversations about her, not about me. She never really wanted to visit or never initiated any meeting, and whenever she said that she was busy and she would call me the next day, she never did. After a while I heard that she temporarily moved to her parents’ home because she felt very lonely in her apartment and wanted to be around people. This came down as something very odd to me because I’ve always tried to be her friend and for her it seems like it nothing. So I eventually gave up on her too, because at that point I really began feeling like I was forcing it, which I didn’t want. We still talk when we see each other and we chat, but I’m always the first; if I don’t do it, she never does it either.

Being my own best friend is something that I agree with, and I consider it a major part of loving myself. Jumping over cracks, not being afraid of the unknown, trying again and again until I make it, these all sound great, they really do, but I still don’t understand what they imply practically.
I am not as thin or as weak as I used to be when I was little. My former girlfriend (2 years ago) actually said that she really liked the way I looked, which was a very pleasant surprise to me. And I still exercise frequently. But I think that all these things that happened early in my school years have stayed with me, and the added more recent experiences have made me lose faith in the world. The proved me that the way I see the world is not right, and this only leaves me clueless because I don’t know how to see the world the way it really is.

I’ve heard a lot of stories about people who have showed their talents and willingness and they were therefore noticed and appreciated, which lead them to advance, and I thought that would happen to me too. But no. From almost all my experiences (with only a few exceptions), people who were clearly less qualified, willing or caring got to advance while I stayed in the same place, watching them, unnoticed.

To be honest, I often feel the need to just hug somebody, apart from my parents. That’s a different kind of hug. And the thought that there isn’t anybody who would hug me (I’m not even imagining more) makes me feel very sad, because it only strengthens the feeling that I’m not wanted or needed. I’ve actually realized at some point these days that I forgot how it feels to be kissed or touched by a girl in a romantic way (something that so many people talk about being so simple and normal to get), and I almost cried. I think that deep down I can feel that I deserve it, and that’s why I feel this way, but if I look at things logically, the only conclusion that I get to is that it’s my fault, and I don’t deserve it, because if I did, I would have it.

In the last 2 paragraphs I just poured my heart out, and wrote what I feel at this moment. I don’t always feel this way, but this is something recurrent, so I think that these are the thoughts and feelings that lie deep inside me.

Thank you for your reply, Anita, and thank you for taking the time to help me. I’m not planning on giving up, even when I am in my lowest moments, because the only logical step is still to move forward, because it’s my only chance.