Dear Lisa:

Four days ago, May 3, you wrote: “there’s the side that tells me I’m making a mistake.. I know that I’ll be stuck thinking that I made a mistake, and get super depressed… this isn’t about me anymore, it’s about making the right decision.. I  just want a fix, an answer, a solution.. this is probably the most uncertain I’ve ever been, I’m not sure what to do.. I still get that uncertain feeling.. I just feel this uncertain sad feeling”.

You were very distressed being stuck in indecision, needing to make a decision but afraid to make it. You wanted to break up with him, that would have been that fix/ answer/ solution you needed,  but you were afraid to break up with him because you were afraid of hurting him.

On the night of Tuesday, May 5, he made the decision for you: “He told me at this point it wasn’t about how I felt. It was about how he felt. He says .. he doesn’t want to be with me”. And on the same night he made another decision, to not use the bracelet you gave him as a gift: “he told me that he couldn’t use them. And, he was right.. it was a strain on me too”.

So the panic, the depression, the distress, the strain.. all that seems to have been about.. wanting to break up with him but being too afraid to hurt him, feeling that you will be a bad person for hurting him. Once he broke up with you, you got what you wanted minus the guilt of hurting him.

You didn’t want to be tied to him, not in a relationship, and not even symbolically through that bracelet. You wanted to be free.

“I’m happy now that we’re mutual on the feelings… I’m already moved on.. I know that I don’t want to be with him anymore at all.. I’m not that sad and it’s easy to change my mindset from that to.. It’s for the better.. Maybe it’s because he finally told me he was done too, and I wasn’t hurting him anymore… I feel like how I felt before I met him.. single and normal… I just feel like bricks have been removed from my shoulders”.

“he finally told me he was done too“- notice the word “too”, meaning you were done with the relationship first and then he was done with it, so  at that point the two  of you were done with the relationship.

“Do you think a Break up is what I needed?”- yes, it is what you needed and wanted for a while.

Questions for you:

1. Are you in the habit of feeling stuck and distressed when having to make decisions, being afraid to make mistakes; do you have a serious difficulty making decisions?

2. Do you remember situations in your life where you felt stuck with a person, not wanting to be with that person, but feeling stuck with that person because you were afraid that he or she will be hurt if you leave???

anita