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ANITA IM LOOKING 4 U !!!!!!! (i love him but suddenly not in love continued)

HomeForumsRelationshipsANITA IM LOOKING 4 U !!!!!!! (i love him but suddenly not in love continued)

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  • This topic has 101 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 103 total)
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  • #352168
    Lisa
    Participant

    hopefully anita replies to this forum, but anyone else is welcome as well, ok heres my story from the absolute start, when i was 5 my parents broke up, my dad never really came to see me and my brother during the devorse, but i was never mad at him, i was so young and i knew my dad had to work, but my brother on the other hand saw it ver differently, hes always been mad at me dad for how things used to be and still brigs it up sometimes. anyways. when i was 11 my bestfriend/mom died, me and my brother were devistaded but i really did a good job of not letting it bother me till i came to the age where i learned wha death was, and then i really came to terms with it and it hit hard but after about 8 months, i was able to get back to normal, but all of this was before i met my first ever boyfriend, nick. when i first laid eyes on him he was absolutley my type. and to be homest it was lust at first sight, when i seen him something came over me, i used to go certain ways so id pass him, and when he touched me i felt something come over me, but he had a girlfriend, but he was my first real real crush and i wasnt about to let that go anytime soon,so eventually he talked to me for th first time and it was lke magic. he asked me for my snapchat and i freaked out i felt tingles all over my body, but then that same day i  watched him hug another girl, and it hurt a lot but i still liked him just the same. whe he looked at me and saw i was watching he pushed her off, i  fell even deeper at that moment, iwas in awe. so yes, we started dating, and i met his mom, and we didnt move too fast at all it was just so chill, we hung out and lauhed and we did our thing, but then after three months the bad sides of him started to come out he would scream at me and make me apologize for things he did. he would cut himself when him and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life, but then eventually we were at the mall and i went through his phone while he was in a changing room, i read him texting this one girl in particulaar and i knew who she was because hed always tell me they were bestfriends and way ealier in the relationship i caught tem cuddlng watchig a movie together. on somomes snapchat, anyway when i saw this i flipped. he was the love of my life, i never saw anyone else, or noticed anyone else, so how could he not only notice me??, so we stayed together but every nght while he was sound asleep in his bed i would be at home bawling my eyes out, looking at picture of the girl and comparing her to me. wondering why i wasnt her, and wondering what he sees in her that he doesnt see in me, afte awile he dumped me because of that, and i was heartbroken, i went thriug h alot of depression, anyways. after  week of us breakibg up he was talking to somome new and fucking my friends, so fast foward to a year later i finally get over him for good, and btw he would come to ,y house every once and a while and fuck me and then put on his clothes and leave me. it caused alot of self respect problems, so now lets skip to now, i meet this boy at a party, he told me when i walked into the room he didnt notice anyone else from that night on, and i felt the same, what we had was magical, and everyone saw it too. so the night we met, we had sex, but thats because we thought wed never see eachother again and tit felt right, of course we were super drunk and giggly so it wasnt the best, lol but we had fun, 2 weeks later i had to go to barbados for 3 weeks. and every day we talked on the phone, and everynight, and i coul feel myself falling for him more and more and more and more, and the day o got back home he came and saw me and asked me out. we had the most fun, wed party every weekend and just dance the nights away and then just come home and embarace eachother, after the first few months i had met most of hi family, i had my job, iwas doing well in school. i was happy with hiim, but eep down something felt off, something was stopping me from loving him the way i loved my last boyfriend, in the start of our relationship all i ever stressed was tht he was going to hurt me, and i was going to have to hea, so i pulled away a bit, and then when i finally got over that, my stress was tht i was going to hurt him. when i was with my ex there was really no need to fight or work towards anything, because there was  no real love there, on his behalf.. but  now that somone lovd me, it meant that i was going to hurt him, then i had a new stress too, jelousy, the thoughts hauted me of him finding a btter girl that didnt have issues and wasnt always sad, and could judt go with thw fow like he does. and even now after hes reasures me that that wont happen, i still feel it will. about a month ago, we got pregnant and it affected us both a lot but we never really talked about it, and we would argue from time to time, but we would always work it out, but then all of a sudden, or maybe it was just building up, but then i ust felt this sudden loss of attraction to him, i would think that hes just some sweaty teenage biy and i didnt want to sleep next to him, and sex would feel so good so id just ignore wht i felt and closed my eyes. and when i was giving him pleasure it wasnt fun anymore, to whoever is reading this, i want it to work with him so bad. were broken up right now but he said that when i am ready he is too, and it doesnt feel right to leave him because he genuiembly loves me, and let me add the feelings fluchuate, its like sometimes i do, sometmes i want to go home and jus be with my dad. i want to get over these negitive felings because i have a tendincy to overthink but im not sure where to begin, help me if you can, but if you arent going o give me hope, im not sure i wanna hear it, this website is he first one to actually give me hope. i cant be this stressed out any longer, im not eating oer sleeping and my stomach is in knots, thanks, and maybe we could swap emails to have a proper coversation if you think you can help

    #352196
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    You wrote: “I can’t be this stressed out any longer, I’m not eating or sleeping and my stomach is in knots”- it is clear that you are very stressed indeed. So first priority for you is to relax, this evening, tomorrow and every day, throughout the day.

    Set a daily exercise routine for yourself: a 30 minute fast walk every day, and a second walk when you are especially stressed.

    Download The Mountain Meditation and listen to it every day, you can listen to it once every morning, before going to bed and in between.

    Research Mindful Exercises, there are magazines, workbooks, and online resources on the topic.

    When especially stressed in a particular situation, take a time out-  leave and be alone for a while, or take a walk.

    Listen to relaxing music, take a hot shower or a bath when needing to relax.

    – Don’t return to any relationship while you are so distressed; aim at not being in any relationship whatsoever.

    (You addressed me by name, but I don’t think we communicated before, did we?)

    anita

    #352312
    Lisa
    Participant

    oomg i never noticed you replied. i read your conversation with another girl the conversation was titles “i love him but suddenly i am not in love with him.” id never been on tiny buddah before but after reading the forum i ade an account right away to tallk to you and i was so happy to see youre still active. i know yore not jesus and you cant have the answer for everything, but i am so stressed, i have ths conflict in my mind between wanting to be wit h my boyfriend and just leaving it alone becaus every time i keep hurting him more and more an it adds more and more guilt and shame into our relatinship. i talk to him everyday but we are on a break, last night we talked all our problems out and i felt great but i woke up this morning not feeling like i dont love him, but that ive hurt him and im a piece of shit and why this had to go this way, weve always had amazing chemestry since the day we met, we were both o in lust it felt llike a dream, we talked last night and said well only communicate in the days and nights, and that was fine but when i woke up i still felt unmotivated and stressed, anita, im not sure those things you listed will help. and i know i cant be in any relationship while i am this stressed but my stress isbecause of ,y relationship, but i till want to be in it,

     

    lisa/erykha

    #352318
    Lisa
    Participant

    last night while we were on the phone he told me that when we broke up he was in his moms head telling her that nobody loves him, i cant get that thought out of my head and it feels like so much fucking pressure and i feel so bad and i never wanted to do that to him i care about him so much and he cares about me more than anyone but im not sure what to do at thia point its too overwheling, last night after we talked i felt so fucking good, i wa lke the bas feeling is gone but when i woke up i didnt feel like i didnt love him just stress and pressure and no motivation

    #352332
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    You wrote: “every time I keep hurting him more and more and it adds more guilt and shame into our relationship”-

    I suggest that you make a list for me (1, 2, 3..), a list of what it is that you say to him, or do to him that hurts him. Take your time making this list. Please don’t type everything that comes to your mind; make your list clear and simple, so that it is easy for me to understand.

    anita

    #352334
    Lisa
    Participant

    im sorry, i do do that,

    but there isnt a list the only thing ive done is tell him i want to break up and then the next day i change my mind and it keeps going back and forth and he says, if it wasnt me, then he wouldve stopped talking to me because its hurting him

    #352338
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    So by “every time I keep hurting him more and more and it adds more guilt and shame into our relationship”, you mean that you hurt him by breaking up with him later changing your mind, going back and forth.

    Tell me more about your guilt and shame, but write clearly, not a stream of consciousness (everything that comes to your mind). Slow down.

    anita

     

    #352342
    Lisa
    Participant

    i feel like he cares so much for me and would never breakup with me like i did to him. i think hell find a girl who is just as good as he is to me, to him. i love him t i feel i am such a bad girlfriend even though he claims im not.i feel my stomach knot when i imagine him crying to his mom because something that i did to him. hes a good boy, a good peson and a good boyfriend, i want to feel the same about myself, i know that over time id be able to forgive myself, but the problem is the sudden change happend in the first place

    #352344
    Lisa
    Participant

    im sorry if i am all over the place i m extremeley stressed especially these past few weeks and alot of it is pent out insude so im trying to get it all out

    #352346
    Lisa
    Participant

    i want this relationship anita but something is blocking me

    #352348
    Lisa
    Participant

    i want this relationship anita but something is blocking me

    #352350
    Lisa
    Participant

    do you have an instagram or snapchat i could tlk to you on so  could see you replies quicker

    #352352
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    “but then I just felt this sudden loss of attraction to him.. the feelings fluctuate”- feelings naturally fluctuate. Feelings are like the weather: sometimes the sun is out, and at other times the sun is behind the clouds and the day is grey. Just like the weather changes, so do feelings.

    When you feel that you don’t love him, say to yourself: that’s okay, the sun is behind the clouds (my love is hiding), it will come out later. I don’t feel attraction or love now, but I will feel it later.

    A question for you: you put my name in big letters in the title of your thread because you liked something that I wrote on the other thread about the same issue (a woman losing her loving feelings for her boyfriend)- what did you like so much about what I wrote there?

    anita

    #352364
    Lisa
    Participant

    yes, when i loked up why  was feeling the way i felt, all websites told me that i should break up with him, leave him alone, because itll just cause more hurt down the road and i do maybe belive thats true, he means the most to me but i hate the way i feel sometimes, i dont know if my feeling of sudden change is a norma type of flucuate, because he explained to me that thats never happend to him before. hes the guy for me and they dont fluchate sometimes now, its all the time every hour its a new emotion

    #352366
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    His feelings fluctuate too. No one (not a single person in the whole wide world) feels love for another person all the time. Sometimes a loving person feels no love. it is natural, and it is normal. You panicked because you expected something unnatural from yourself: to always feel love, to always feel attraction.

    A loving relationship is not about the impossible: to always feel love and to always feel attraction. It is about appreciating your boyfriend/ partner, liking who he is, thinking that he is a good person, liking how he treats you.

    When you panic about not feeling a certain way, you get fear in the mix, and fear is like a tornado that messes everything up, a chaos, confusion.

    That’s why I suggested  to you to relax: exercise daily, etc., to lower that fear. Add to it realistic expectations about feelings and love, and you will be okay.

    anita

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