April 30, 2020 at 5:31 pm #352382
Thank you this is the reply I was looking for. I am going to try and calm down. You’re right there is a lot of fear. Is there any way we could keep in contact?April 30, 2020 at 5:57 pm #352386
You are welcome, Lisa, and we are in contact right here! You can keep your thread going for as long as you want and we can continue to communicate.
anitaApril 30, 2020 at 7:06 pm #352394
Yes you’re right thank you so much for giving me hope. I really hurt my boyfriend. So how do you think I should apologize. And fix it ? Do you think we should go slow when we see eachother again? Or jump back in? Right now we’re on a break but still flirting and talkingApril 30, 2020 at 9:11 pm #352408
I will read and reply to your recent post when i am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.
anitaMay 1, 2020 at 5:49 am #352472
“I really hurt my boyfriend. So how do you think I should apologize. And fix it? Do you think we should go slow when we see each other again? Or jump back in?”-
You shared that you hurt him by breaking up with him and then changing your mind. I suggest the following:
Do not jump back in. Do take it slow. Become friends next, not boyfriend-girlfriend. Engage in meaningful conversations with him and get to know more about yourself and about him; he should get to know more about himself and about you through such talks. Get emotionally intimate, not sexually intimate. After the two of you are emotionally intimate, knowing each other well, then there will be less fear and you will be able to figure out how to proceed.
anitaMay 1, 2020 at 9:54 pm #352588
Okay I will do that. I still feel the same I’ve cleaned my room and stuff itd making me hate life. I have a perfect guy and something is wrong and imagining him moving on kills me. Or imagining him being broken hearted also breaks my heart . Fuck I’m feeling the bad feeling again. I just want to curl up and cry. It was gone for two days. And the omly time I feel better is when itd not there because j want to be with him. But whateverMay 2, 2020 at 8:07 am #352648
“I have a perfect guy”- he is not perfect, no one is.
“Imagining him moving on kills me”- I can’t imagine anyone moving on during lockdown?!
“Imagining him being broken hearted also breaks my heart”- I think that you are exaggerating how much you think that you hurt him. Because you hurt him by going back and forth from breaking up with him to getting back together, simply stop that behavior and don’t get back together with him. That way you will no longer hurt him at all.
“I’m feeling the bad feeling again.. It was gone for two days”- don’t be alarmed when the bad feeling returns. It is its nature to return. When it returns think of it like the sun, once again, hiding behind the clouds and the sky is grey. And say to yourself: the sun will come out again later.
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 9:58 am #352736SydneyParticipant
I’m sorry to post here, I know it’s not my thread but, I’m also trying to reach out to you Anita. I too have ROCD and would like some of your wisdom. How do I make my own post? I have no idea how to.May 3, 2020 at 3:56 pm #352938
We talked last night. All night on the phone! It felt so good. But i woke up feeling the same way. When I talked to you first. It felt so easy. Like automatically I felt better. And wad ready to be with him. But then I woke up in the morning with the feeling again. I know you say the feeling passes.. which is true, it does. But should it be there SO often? & with no reason. I was just crying in the shower today. Because I don’t understand why thus is happening. I dont want to be that girl who has a good boyfriend who loves her so much and just breaks his heart at the end of it. And I don’t know how to reallllyyy.. get over the feeling you know? Also, why do you have this approach? Whenever I Google what im feeling they always just say to leave him alone. I’m hurting us both by staying… so why do you believe that it isn’t so face value? Nd that it’s not somthing that’s written in the starts, but only a feeling, that will pass. My mom’s birthday who passed away is coming up on the 5th. I’m going to visit her. And I asked him to come with me. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. Also if i choose to proceed, how can I get over the guilt of hurting him, he tells me I’m forgiven but I don’t believe him, I honestly just think I’m a bad person. Let me know what you think? Ugh.
-lisaMay 3, 2020 at 3:59 pm #352940
Dont be sorry, theyre for everyone to reply too. I just especially love Anitas way of going about things… And to start your own. Click forum and choose a topic. And then write away…people will see your topics and choose to write back to them.. Anita only talks on here that’s why I said her name in the title. Good luck!May 3, 2020 at 4:04 pm #352942
Also are you sayinf don’t get back together with him so o can stop hurting him all together? Cause idk anymore. When I tell him I’m feeling the feeling he tells me he doesn’t care anymore because he knows I’m just gonna get over it anyways. So I’m not sureMay 3, 2020 at 5:29 pm #352958
In your original post you wrote that your “bestfriend/mom died” and I wasn’t clear- I thought that you meant that your best friend’s mother died, not your own. But it is your mother who died when you were eleven. It is a terrible experience for a child to lose her mother.
Regarding the guy, it’s not that I think that you shouldn’t get back with him. Instead I think that you shouldn’t get back with him and then break up with him, then get back together etc. It’s bad for him and it makes you feel guilty, so better not.
He told you that “he doesn’t care anymore because he knows I’m just gonna get over it anyways”- if he is relaxing into your behavior, maybe you can too, relax, that is.
“I know you say the feeling passes… which is true, it does. But should it be there SO often? & with no reason”?- good point, Lisa. When a feeling returns so often and so intensely it is often because that feeling is from long ago, from the early years of one’s life. And when that’s the case, there is a need to look at where that feeling is coming from.
If you feel comfortable, will you tell me about your mother’s death, how you felt then, how you feel now? I will not be able to read your answer before 12 hours from now. So if you choose to answer me, please take your time, don’t rush.
* Sydney: like Lisa suggested (and I will elaborate): click FORUMS at the top, then scroll down to Relationships, click Relationships, scroll all the way down to the empty box for the title of your new thread, and the bigger box for the body of your new thread. Hope to read your thread soon.
May 3, 2020 at 6:36 pm #352972
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
Yes sorry for not being more clear. She died when I was eleven. And at that time, I was sad but I didn’t understand death yet. When I i turned 15 I started to understand death and immediately realized that my mom was dead,never coming back, never will see me graduate, meet my husband, kids, ETC. Now that I got over this faze, I just feel really close to her. Hoping that she’s guiding me in the right direction. And missing her and thinking about her every day.
I just love your take on things. You have a positive outlook and don’t think that just because your feeling different doesn’t mean to just break up. This is why I wanted your input in the first place.
I don’t want to hurt him Anita. So I understand what you mean. Don’t get back or break up with him. But wait until I am thinking with a balanced mind and understand what I actually want to do.
I’m sure I want him. I pray every night that I’ll get over the bad feeling. And I do, and when I do get over it. It’s an amazing feeling. I feel free. I feel like me and him will be great. But when its bad. I panic. I cry. I loose motivation.
When I talk to you i feel hope in my relationship. And you help me. But when I go on social media and when I read things people just say that im just a bad person… For what im doing to him. And I don’t know Who is right. But even my dad tells me that love isn’t consistant. And it is forever changing. And I know he’s right. It’s just that I feel the feeling a lot. And right now I feel so good and want to be with him but two hours ago I was thinking how I’m judt gonna leave him alone and stop stressing him. I need a remedy.
And yes were going to visit my moms tree. I have a gift for him,it’s a bond touch bracelet ( Google if you don’t knoe what it is,but I’m sure you do) and I’m not sure if i should give it to him, it was his birthday gift but it came really late should I give it to him? Or Wait till everything is healed ?
Also when I see him should we kiss? Or touch. Or hug, because we’re not together (but made it clear that we both have feelings) we haven’t got back together because he told me neither of us are doing any thing different in our lives, so if we get back together it’ll be the same stuff.
For two days it was gone because I had a different mindset and knew I’d get over it and not care anymore in a few hours. But now the other mindset I had is back
I could go on for hours. But why do you have this approach and not just tell me to leave him
I miss him so much.i just want to go back to a month ago before All of this,but thank you so much for always replying and helping. It means alot thank you for your patience. I just don’t want to give up on him. Because I read alot that this just happend until the other person gets fed up and leaves. And I don’t want thay to hap pen. I want to nip it in the bud for good. I need a therapist for sure.May 3, 2020 at 7:18 pm #352974
You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation, you are kind and I appreciate you.
“I don’t want to hurt him”- you are a good person for not wanting to hurt him.
“I feel like me and him will be great. But.. I panic”- if you learn to calm down when you start panicking- that will be wonderful, the solution of the problem (the problem being the panicking itself).
“when I go on social media.. people just say that I’m just a bad person”- why don’t you stop sharing with anyone and everyone. Be selective with whom you share your personal life. Not everyone deserves to know and express their opinion- you decide who to trust with your personal information, and who has the privilege to give you their opinion.
It will not be a bad thing if you do give it to him, for his birthday, given how strongly you feel about him. It will be an expression of your feelings for him.
“why do you have this approach and not just tell me to leave him”? Because you expressed that he is a decent person who truly loves you, and because most recently you shared that he is okay with you.
Back to the panicking- if only you learn to calm yourself when you start to panic- that will be best. This is why I suggested the exercise, guided meditations, etc., in my first post to you!
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 7:33 pm #352978
I’m not sure anymore. I love him and care for him DEEPLY. But I’ve almost lost hope now. I’ve kind of come to leave with the fact that maybe not every relationship is meant to be. Even if he loves me dearly. And maybe after I move on I’ll be happier because that stress will be lifted. But i don’t panic anymore. I just get sad and wish it were different. But i feel like I’m fighting against what the universe is trying to show me. But why ? If he’s an amazing guy and there truly is a future for us if only I wasn’t screwing it up.