May 16, 2020 at 6:18 am #355334
“I feel like I don’t want to be with him at this current point in my life.. I miss my mommy. My heart aches.. what do you think I’m doing wrong, how can I help myself feel better?”
I think that trying to be in a relationship with a man, any man, at your age and in your state of mind is the wrong thing for you to do.
Will you tell me about your mom, what happened, how it happened.. what do you miss about her?
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 6:29 am #355730
me and my mom were really close. We always went shopping together and in the morning when she would get ready for work I would just sit and admire her, I followed her everywhere she went.
one day I had a track meet and I loved track. And she had been so sick for about a month. She’d tried everything.Different medications different oils..etc, and when she talked to a doctor they just said she has vertigo. Cause she’d have constant dizziness and headaches and earaches…
so she believed him. Then when we had got home from my meet.. she had to go pickup my brother.. I asked her to come because it was just around the block, but she said no, and I listened. I went upstairs into my room.
30 minutes had past, so I grabbed the home phone and started calling her. There was no answer. I callrd and called and called and called. Finally my brother called me, the first thing he said was “Lisa, moms in the hospital” (he was 16 I was 11) I was scared. Maybe it’s because I was so young. But I didn’t think that it would kill her, I only thought that she got in an accident or something happened. But I knew I had to tell my step dad. And so I did. He ran out of his bed and jumped in the car and went to pick up my brother and bring him here and then go to the hospital.
i don’t remember being home alone. I don’t remember that part at all. Some of it is very vivid. But some parts are fuzzy and I don’t really remember.
a day had gone by and it was just me and my brother at home. I was so confused. But I felt that something was wrong. So I put on all my moms clothes, including her heals. And I walked, all around the block in the rain, while my foot only fit halfway through her heals.. I was so sad but I never thought I would never see her again.
i remember sitting on the couch and my step dad telling me she had to pull through, and he knew she would. But again, I was expecting to see my mom again. So. My dad came and got me one day and took me for ice cream. I was so young now that I look back. I could see that everyone was so stressed out, but they tried to hide it from me, because I didn’t understand. Anyways.
one day my dad came and got me and my brother and we went to my grandparents house. I just remember talking everyone’s head off. And being so happy. But I looked at my dad, we were in his truck, and he was looking out the ray view mirror, and just staring at some grass while we were at a red light. I didn’t say anything though.
i never noticed that we were going to my grandparents until he made that right turn that goes to their house. Right away I felt so happy, mom was home from the hospital!!!!!!!!!, no
we walked in and everyone said “heyyy!” Things were so normal, but I didn’t care. The first thing I said was, ok so where’s mommy ?. The whole room went dead silent. My brother collapsed. And everyone came rushing over and took us into the living room..
it was still dead silent, but my grandma broke it with the words “god has a purpose and he took your mommy for a reason” I sat back and told her I hated god. Ever since then I stopped believing in a god. I believed in a universe. A god with a conscious would never take an 11 year old girls mom..
anyways. There’s so much more that goes after that but. I don’t think it’s my problem in life, I think that losing her affected me and will affect me for the rest of my life and I grew up without a lot of experiences especially because of how my dad is. But i think I have a lot worse issues, I was so young when it happened that I didn’t understand, and it’s this, sad but numb feeling. So yeah. That’s that.May 18, 2020 at 6:38 am #355732
Also, my main problem right now is that boy. Even though that sounds dumb.
but it’s this feeling like sometimes I’ll miss him so much and want to be with him again and imagining him with other girls makes my stomach turn and I get sad, but I also get hopeful by telling myself if he’s meant to be for me, then he’ll come back in some fashion. I’ll have Him again.
but then there’s this other side that says, if we broke up who he’s with is none of my business and I can’t control that anymore, and I didn’t want to be with him while I was with him, and I’m just hurting him so I should leave him alone
and then another side of me says, if you truly love someone you wouldn’t have to work so hard to love them it should be so easy, and you should just be happy to be around them; but when I imagine Us having sex, it doesn’t turn me on anymore lool.
and then there’s another side of me that says, well it’s not up to me anymore he broke up with me for the last time so it’s not my choice anymore.
and when I feel the good feeling. I feel amazing. And when I feel the bad feeling, I feel how I’m feeling right now. Like shit.
we haven’t talked in almost four days. And not talking to him, does help. But I thought breaking up, would make me feel better. But it really doesn’t. At all. I don’t feel more free. I just feel confused and heart broken.
breaking up showed me I really do like him. But there’s just something that I can’t put my finger on. I also have this feeling if possession over him when I imagine him talking to anyone else I get a knot in my chest, I know we only just broke up so I’m still gonna he sad but, he’s all I think about when I’m not distracting myself. I just want someone to give me the answer. I know I’m young, but I’m not gonna give up until I figure this out,May 18, 2020 at 7:29 am #355742
“I know I’m young, but I’m not gonna give up until I figure this out”- you are an amazingly persistent and stubborn very young woman, a teenager, really. I like your spirit, your passion- it expresses itself everywhere, including in the title of your thread.
And I think that you are too young to have a relationship with a guy, including a sexual relationship. You are too young and vulnerable, it’s not the time for it.
You mentioned a step father- were you living with a step father at the time your mother passed away, and are you still living with him (is he the one yelling at you a lot?), and what about your biological father.. is he part of your life? (I don’t think you shared this with me earlier; if you did, I don’t remember).
I want to quote the parts of what you shared about your mother and her death that were most meaningful to me (minor grammatical/ punctuation editing): “In the morning when she would get ready for work, I would just sit and admire her. I followed her everywhere she went.. She had been so sick for about a month. She’d tried everything, different medications, different oils. When she talked to a doctor, he just said she has vertigo because she had constant dizziness, headaches and earaches, so she believed him…
I was so confused. I felt that something was wrong, so I put on all my mom’s clothes, including her heels, and I walked all around the block in the rain, while my feet fit halfway through her heels. I was so sad, but I never thought I would never see her again…
One day, my dad came and got me and my brother and we went to my grandparents’ house.. I felt so happy, mom was home from the hospital!!!!!!!! No… The first thing I said was, ok so where’s mommy? .. It was still dead silent, but my grandma broke it with the words: ‘god has a purpose and he took your mommy for a reason’. I sat back and told her I hated god. Ever since then I stopped believing in a god.. A god with a conscious would never take an 11 year old girls’ mom”.
Thank you for sharing this most meaningful life experience with me.
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 8:44 am #355750
My mom had a child with my step dad when she was alive; and no I don’t live with him I live with my biological father.
My step dad molested me when I was 10May 18, 2020 at 8:58 am #355754
Tell me more about the molestation: how many times, did your mother or your biological father know about it, and if they did, what did they do about it???
Are you currently in contact with this man, your “step dad”, and if so, what is that contact like?
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 10:59 am #355768
I haven’t told the full story to anyone. But here it goes.
My step dad was big. He had a large stomach. And me and my mom often joked around with him about it. But me hum and my mom had this thing where we would all always cuddle..
One time my mom was at work and I was comfortable enough to lay in bed with him and watch a movie. And he started to big spoon me.. I didn’t feel uncomfortable cause it was pretty normal for us. But my mom was always there….
Anyways he scooted closer and started to rub my belly.. And slowly got to my underwear. And started to touch me. In my head I was wondering if this was normal. I told myself it was. But something inside me tols me to get up. But i was so scared to. After a few seconds.. I said “I’m tired I’m going to bed. I was a little girl. Still with pigtails and carrying around stuffed animals.
I had been thinking about it all week. I knew something was off. So eventually, I worked it up to tell my mom. I told her exactly what happens and her response was, “are you sure lisa; because if so, we have to tell the police” that terrified me. So after that I told myself. No mom I’m sorry we were just cuddling. And she said okay love go to sleep..
And so I did. I always thought my mom had my best interest at heart. So I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal. Or maybe it wasn’t real. Or maybe it never even happend and if I asked him he would never remember. So really for the rest of my life until a year ago. I never ever thought about it.
Then one day. My dad opened up to me about being raped so young. And I told him about my earlier childhood memories. Which had been that. And he flipped out. He was so mad at my mom. But i told him there’s no point in being mad at the dead.
He only ever touched me once. Maybe my mom talked to him about it. But once I grew up i realized that either way. He should never have been cuddling with a little girl that age. There’s a lot of things in my life that I haven’t reslly dealt with. But my two main ones are having an abortion. And that.
My dad hates him. And wants him dead. And yes I do have to see and talk to him sometimes. And itd uncomfortable and awkward but normal. He even calls me beautiful all the time. But overall he acts normal. Like he doesn’t remember at all. Which is another reason why I felt like it was all in my head.
Lisa:(May 18, 2020 at 1:00 pm #355782
I am so sorry that you had this experience. Your mother was very irresponsible to have a grow man who is not your father cuddle with her little girl, making it a .. normal thing and then leaving you alone with him. And when you told her what he did, she should have believed you immediately and acted on it by removing him from the home! Instead, she chose to dismiss what you told her and keep him in the home.
So sorry, Lisa. I assume the cuddling of the three of you stopped after you told her about what he did?
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 1:21 pm #355784
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes it stopped. And I know. I have some anger for my mom still.</p>May 18, 2020 at 1:22 pm #355786
Thank you for always talking to me. Even though it may sound dumb: when you answer I feel a little less alone, it feels like a therapist. You always say the proper things. And fills me with some peace, are you a therapist in real Life?May 18, 2020 at 1:26 pm #355788
If you are living with your bio father and he is so angry at that step .. (whatever he is, I’ll call him S), then why are you in contact with S, why is it that you “have to see and talk to him sometimes”???
May 18, 2020 at 1:30 pm #355792
- This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I just noticed your other post: you are very welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation. No I am not a therapist in real life but I have been on these forums every day, many hours a day for over five years. I learned a lot and I keep learning. You are one of the people who are teaching me what I know. So.. thank you, Lisa!
May 18, 2020 at 1:34 pm #355796
- This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I have to talk to him because I’m not sure if you read it, but my mom had a kid with him, my little brother. And I love him so much. I need to see him. He’s only 7 so if I want to contact him it has to go through my old step dadMay 18, 2020 at 1:48 pm #355800
I read it, that you have a brother who is S’s son. But it may be possible to arranged for you to see your brother without seeing S. I imagine your bio father is very angry that you are visiting S’s house for any reason. I wonder why your bio father never confronted S, being as angry as he is.
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 1:52 pm #355802
He did confront him. He yelled at him to never talk to me or come near me one time when I was visiting my brothers soccer game.