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Lisa

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 69 total)
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  • #383608
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear anita

    youre totally right!! im surely in a way better headspace than when we last spoke. im doing a thousand times better. i think im at tge point of truly healing. i think my whole life ive belived its all ny fault but i think my beart is too pure for people:))lol

    #383606
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear:teaK & anita

    ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.

     

    to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….

     

    ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.

     

    my whole life my brother has been selfish and treated me awful. my dad verbally and mentally abused me. my mom died and i have no friends.. and because of all of these things it doesnt allow me to bask in relationships. im just in fear of the end.

     

    and i feel like with my most recent ex i really took a look at myself and decided to change and then now its never enough. i feel like hes not at all understanding to my situation. when if it was visa versa id forgive him and put it behind him.. but he just cant seem to…

     

    everything will be okay and all of a sudden we get into one fight and hes done and wants a break  and i love him and want to work it out but he isnt texting me and visa versa and im scared that as soon as i let go and dont turn back thats when hell come running back.

     

    and i think thats why ive allowed myself to be sad for so many weeks because it keeps the wound from healing and it keeps the relationship alive in a way.  i have so much to say but this would go on for 80 pages lol.

    #383602
    Lisa
    Participant

    no i never went. and yes i said this before but as time went on i realized it wasnt that i didnt love him but i was scared that he loves me. im glad ur still here lol!!

    #383590
    Lisa
    Participant

    when i had just had an abortion and was dealing with past trauma of my ex abusing me and my mom dying it had all boiled up and i told him i didnt love him. not because i didnt but i felt he deserved better. hes a person who doesnt trust many so after that hes never been the same. and almost everytime he makes a mistake it almost always boils down to him saying if i never broke up with him wed still be happy. i keep forgiving him. but im tired of him not making me a priority. being sneaky. lying etc… i do love him and want it to work out but as soon as we make plans to talk or hangout he “forgets” or something happens

     

    i dont want to have to give him the cold shpulder and completely turn my back on all our history but im tired of chasing a grown man around. hes not a bad person but he only really sees things on surface level and never really tries to understand. and i dont like that..

     

    also i was very close w his family and now all of a sudden i havent been there in weeks. id feel stupid to even show my face there.. i miss him but im done being so worked up allll the time. im an over thinker so sorry if this is all over the place thanks 4 responding :,(

    #383571
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear whoever will read this…

    im about to tell the my relationship story. i dont have anyone to talk to so i hope somone can give me their advice.

     

    when i first met him i was still blocked off from beibg abused in my last relationship. i had an arrational fear of abandoment from him. i felt it was too good to be true. i even asked him to be mean to me. i felt like thats what i deserved. i started to feel like i was my ex and he was me.. even though i didnt abuse him i just had so much trauma i never thought anyone could love me…

     

    anyway 5 months into our relationship i became pregnant and had an abortion. i was only 16 and it was my first experience w anything like this. so it all was alot for me and him too.. so i just blirted out that i didnt love him anymore even though i knew i did. more than anything. i love him so much..

     

    after that things changed. and i knew it was my fault. it was built up resentment n fear and i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treatinf me the way i treated him.

     

    and ive allowed it for so long but its been almost a year and now he just flat out disrespects me and completely doesnt care either.. and he broke up with me recently after i confronted him about commenting on qnotger girls pic. i am very spiritual and this feels like good old karma. but what i did wasnt on purpose  and i wasnt purposely treating him the way i was.. i just was scared of exactly what im feeling right now. i miss him i want him back but when i text him he makes me feel so stupid. hell make plans to hangout and then tell me hes busy..

     

    last minute ans it hurts. but somewjere deep inside of me tells me this is all my fault and i shouldnt feel upset or vixtimized because he was great at one point. what should i do ? his whole family tells me hes a liar and selfish and warn me that he can really minipulate people who allow him to.. so idk if its that or that i really am just gettibg back what i did. i feel like ive been making up for that one mistake but all of the times hes let me down. went behind my back cheated or lied has been swepr under the rug because of something i did when i was way younger and had alot of self healing to do. which ive done. i love him and he means alot to me but im tired. but then i think that i dont deserve to b tired or upset because of what i did. almost everyone tells me that what hes doing is wrong (even knowing the whole story) but i just cant help but feel if i never did tgat wed be ok today. but he also couldce Been more understanding I told him that I didn’t love him but as soon as we’re on the car ride home I told him that I didn’t mean that and that my mom’s at anniversary death was coming up and I was going through the loss of my first child he didn’t believe me and didn’t talk to me for weeks and we finally got back together and everything is fine but then again he changed it hasn’t changed back since it’s just progressively been getting worse. I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways I miss him so much and I want to see him but I’m trying to put myself first then I feel that I don’t deserve that either because I was the one who messed up

     

    I know my grandma is not the best in this story might be long and confusing but I hope you all got the just of it and can help me as much as you can any type of advice from men or women would be helpful I have an open ear and I’m willing to accept thank you

    #362282
    Lisa
    Participant

    hi anita, me again…

    i hope youre doing well..

    so i just wanted to talk to you about somethings.. and here theyre..

    heres the story.. and the things that have changed, its hard to type this without crying..

    i dont live with my awwful dad anymore. i live with y grandparents. i have a job.. i make good money. i am happy at work and work is a great distraction, but i cant seem to shake these two feelings, i know tat if you fall ot of ove with somome its maybe because you were never in love with them in the first place… and i sometimes think that the reason that i still have this same attachement to him as i did months ago when we talked is that i love him, but then i think that that couldnt be right, because it was so bad hat i had to dump him,

    i sometimes think i am strong for dumping him because with every art of my soul i didnt want to. but i knew that even if there was this tiny feeling that was telling me i should then, i definietley should…

    when i think of him, he the boyfriend that every girl wishes to have, extremely handsome, kind to his mom, family orienated, mature, kind, funny, smart, responsible, has a job, drives. so the feeling that i cant shake is, if its not him then who else on earth could it be? i don just want to be the person who only chases after people who dont want me….

    the other feeling i cant shake is the same one i had all throught the relationship. i hink i am pretty and a lot of people tell me i am. but i just dont belive it, i think everyone is better than me, and i hate how i look talk and act, and that was a major problem for us because he was so confident and comfortable within himself, i dont know how to gain self love because i as never taugt, i was taught the exct opposite and even if i a feeling confident for awhle it always ges away after awhile, and turns into me completley hating myself.

    let me get this straight, i am not suicidal BUT, and thats a BIG but…. i feel like my own brain is out to get me, it sounds crazy but i just want all the thoughts in my head to stop. i remeber always seeing in movies people talking about the voices in their head right before they kill themselves and i nderstand it, it feels lie its not even you, its ths negitve comintater that always has s,ething to say and makes ur brain run  at 5000mph so yea,

    the last feeling  cant sake is that i did what my ashole ex did to me, to makai, i am terrfied that i hurt him, even though i know i did, people would roll their eyes at me if they heard this but i felt like i had no choice and that me staying with him would hurt him way more, his whole family hates me and his friends too, and that sucks to think about even though i now it pretty much all my fault. i dont want to make myself out as a victim because im not.. but yeah, we check up on eachother all the time. we still talk, but i just dont want to hurt him anymore then i already have.

    the thought of him being with somone else used to break me but now as long as they make him so fucking happy, i caan defietley live with that, because if the reason i dumped him was because i wanted him to be happy, then i need to allow that to happen, and step out of the way. thats the only growth i think ive made.. other then getting a job and movig out of that toxic house, i still think negitivley AF and have no control over my emotions.

    anyways if i read this over ill prob delete it so bare with me, lol try ur hardest to understand… if you even reply lol. thx anitaaa<3

    #356594
    Lisa
    Participant

    DEARRR: my dearest anita?

    okay so since I wrote that. Things have changed again, in a good way this time… me and him stopped talking A few days after you and I last talked. I’ve texted him here and there and he hasn’t replied, which I know is for a good reason. And I know him. I know he wouldn’t do it to hurt me or to ignore me, he’s doing it for the best

    I’ve really just started to open myself up to so much more, I know I’m sosooo young, and there’s so many people I will meet, and seeing him move on will OF COURSE ! Hurt. But I’ve chosen to think about it positively, and more maturely, it’s bound to happen, and like a cut, it’ll hurt for awhile, then it’ll scab, then it’ll heal. And if I keep picking at it it’ll make a scar, but if I let it go with maturity and gracefully, it’ll heal properly, (wow I just made that up & I might have to live by it)

    I’ve realized that, us moving on and seeing new things and meeting new people IS NOT the end of the world !!! It’s exactly the thing that makes life exciting !!!, I really do have one of those souls who has the desire to live anything but an average life!! And I think my gut knew that we were moving way too fast and it was way too much for me to handle. So I pressed the breaks.

    I still like him , indeed BUT I don’t feel this obsessive controlling feeling like I need him to just STAYWITHME ME ME ME. I almost In a way am excited for him & for me. We both have big plans. We both want to do so much with the life we were given. So I hope he checks all the marks on his list.

    you come to a point where you just, I don’t know. Find peace. And it’s an amazing feeling. To not only be happy for someone else, but to be happy for yourself, within yourself. Let yourself breath. Stop being so mean to yourself. It’s nice to feel like now I can flirt with new guys that I meet, or go on dates, without feeling this GUILT. I never cheated on him. But I flirted with other guys, and when I told my friends that, they thought it was a crime. But I never did, maybe I’m weird. But. Just want to live my teenage life to the fullest and worry about being trapped in a relationship LATER.

    anyways Anita. I know I will feel different later about him & the situation but, I’ll come back to this paragraph and just let myself let go more and more until I just do. And I’m not rushing myself to that point either, I’m just gliding towards it. Anita.. for some reason you won’t talk to me on any other platform which is ok but I use wish their was an app for this website it’s a pain to get onto and I’ve talked to many people, my grandma people on Quora n you always helped the most, because you know what goes on in my mind because I’ve spilled  everything. Once this s all over I’m getting a therapist. And restarting my life with a positive outlook. The other day I was ready to give up. But I kept fighting, because I am not weak. And this relif is my reward, please ask me some more questions to continue the conversation

    #356144
    Lisa
    Participant

    For saying that stuff

    #356122
    Lisa
    Participant

    Sorry lol. And do you have quora ? You don’t seem to want to talk anywhere but on here. But it’s hard for me to answer on a web browser when quora has an app, If so what’s ur username?

    #356032
    Lisa
    Participant

    I meant. I’m giving up on life.

    #356028
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear anita:

    I did. I felt calm for awhile.. but it came back. Anita, this sounds really sad but this might be the last time you ever talk to me.

    I feel that there is absolutely no escape from my thoughts. I’ve lived in fear and anxiety and insecurities. And there is no escape. No matter what irs never ending

    I just want to be at peace. And if you really like me you’ll understand. You’ve heard my thoughts and as you can probably tell. They take over my life.

    I can’t even drink or smoke or anythung because  it makes it worse. I want an escape from my own mind. I really just want it all to stop I want to catch a breath. Thank you for all your help..

    Lisa

     

    #355960
    Lisa
    Participant

    Okay I’ll try but I think it’s going to help me relax but it won’t help me figure out my situation. Cause even if I feel Good and relaxed, it’ll always go back. And not being with him or being with him I feel trapped in this bubble of depression

    #355936
    Lisa
    Participant

    I guess I just have to leave him alone if I can’t love him like that I wish I could be that lucky girl but I know there will be a girl who can treat him so much better and it’s gonna break my heart but love shouldn’t be so complicated

    #355932
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita;

    hello. I’m feeling upset again. Sadly, I’m not freaking out but, I was watching this random video and a song started playing l, it said “you just want attention, you don’t want my heart, maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new, you just want attention, I knew from the start, you’re just making sure I’m never getting over you.

    this sounds exactly what I’m feeling. And I am afraid of it in a way, I hate myself because of it. Because it’s hard to explain, but it’s not what I’m trying to do at all. But I only start to want to be with him when I imagine him with a new girl. It’s crazy. I never expected myself in this situation. I never thought I would feel like this.

    it’s not heartbreak but it’s just, confusion, because I don’t know why it’s happening, I like how he looks A LOT. I like his personality, I like how he treats me. When I describe my dream person it’s him. But I just get this feeling of just wanting to l breakup with him, I don’t want to be a bad Person. But I almost can’t help it.

    I know if he were in another relationship I would regret it for the rest of my life. Because he treated me so well. I just don’t believe in love anymore.. I feel like one person always loves the other person more: at the start it wasn’t forced at all. But now it so is . And when I think of getting back together I get this rush of anxiety of going backwards.

    I wish it was possible to just ask the universe for the answer to what’s going on in my head. And a fix. But I feel like if I breakup with him. I’m sad: i want to talk to him. But when we’re together, I feel trapped and that’s not love, I don’t want him to move on but I don’t want to not let him move on either because I know I’m not a bad person intentionally. I don’t think anyone understands .

    and even if you help me, I’ll feel positive about it for awhile, then an intrusive thought comes in, and it just takes over. And puts me in this place,

    I want to be with him but I don’t know what’s off, and I want it to go back to how it was but I don’t know if it ever will, but imagining him with simone else makes me sick to my stomach, it’s like I don’t want to be with him but I want him to wait for me. Which isn’t good, but I guess I have to admit it.

    I was thinking it’s okay to just talk sometimes and if the universe brings us back then that will be good. But I know it won’t, because I didn’t love him properly, I loved him selfishly, and that’s exactly the opposite of love. Being selfish. So I know the universe will bring him someone he deserves. Just like I loved my ex properly, and then the current Guy came along and loved me the way I loved my ex, and now I’m loving him the way my ex loved him.

    i just want a solution , CAuse it feels never ending.

    -Lisa

    #355840
    Lisa
    Participant

    What I meant by this is that. If you and someone or even something are meant to be, but maybe it’s not the right time. Then the universe will naturally bring you guys back to eachother.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 69 total)