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Lisa

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 64 total)
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  • Lisa
    Participant

    hi anita, me again…

    i hope youre doing well..

    so i just wanted to talk to you about somethings.. and here theyre..

    heres the story.. and the things that have changed, its hard to type this without crying..

    i dont live with my awwful dad anymore. i live with y grandparents. i have a job.. i make good money. i am happy at work and work is a great distraction, but i cant seem to shake these two feelings, i know tat if you fall ot of ove with somome its maybe because you were never in love with them in the first place… and i sometimes think that the reason that i still have this same attachement to him as i did months ago when we talked is that i love him, but then i think that that couldnt be right, because it was so bad hat i had to dump him,

    i sometimes think i am strong for dumping him because with every art of my soul i didnt want to. but i knew that even if there was this tiny feeling that was telling me i should then, i definietley should…

    when i think of him, he the boyfriend that every girl wishes to have, extremely handsome, kind to his mom, family orienated, mature, kind, funny, smart, responsible, has a job, drives. so the feeling that i cant shake is, if its not him then who else on earth could it be? i don just want to be the person who only chases after people who dont want me….

    the other feeling i cant shake is the same one i had all throught the relationship. i hink i am pretty and a lot of people tell me i am. but i just dont belive it, i think everyone is better than me, and i hate how i look talk and act, and that was a major problem for us because he was so confident and comfortable within himself, i dont know how to gain self love because i as never taugt, i was taught the exct opposite and even if i a feeling confident for awhle it always ges away after awhile, and turns into me completley hating myself.

    let me get this straight, i am not suicidal BUT, and thats a BIG but…. i feel like my own brain is out to get me, it sounds crazy but i just want all the thoughts in my head to stop. i remeber always seeing in movies people talking about the voices in their head right before they kill themselves and i nderstand it, it feels lie its not even you, its ths negitve comintater that always has s,ething to say and makes ur brain run  at 5000mph so yea,

    the last feeling  cant sake is that i did what my ashole ex did to me, to makai, i am terrfied that i hurt him, even though i know i did, people would roll their eyes at me if they heard this but i felt like i had no choice and that me staying with him would hurt him way more, his whole family hates me and his friends too, and that sucks to think about even though i now it pretty much all my fault. i dont want to make myself out as a victim because im not.. but yeah, we check up on eachother all the time. we still talk, but i just dont want to hurt him anymore then i already have.

    the thought of him being with somone else used to break me but now as long as they make him so fucking happy, i caan defietley live with that, because if the reason i dumped him was because i wanted him to be happy, then i need to allow that to happen, and step out of the way. thats the only growth i think ive made.. other then getting a job and movig out of that toxic house, i still think negitivley AF and have no control over my emotions.

    anyways if i read this over ill prob delete it so bare with me, lol try ur hardest to understand… if you even reply lol. thx anitaaa<3

    Lisa
    Participant

    DEARRR: my dearest anita?

    okay so since I wrote that. Things have changed again, in a good way this time… me and him stopped talking A few days after you and I last talked. I’ve texted him here and there and he hasn’t replied, which I know is for a good reason. And I know him. I know he wouldn’t do it to hurt me or to ignore me, he’s doing it for the best

    I’ve really just started to open myself up to so much more, I know I’m sosooo young, and there’s so many people I will meet, and seeing him move on will OF COURSE ! Hurt. But I’ve chosen to think about it positively, and more maturely, it’s bound to happen, and like a cut, it’ll hurt for awhile, then it’ll scab, then it’ll heal. And if I keep picking at it it’ll make a scar, but if I let it go with maturity and gracefully, it’ll heal properly, (wow I just made that up & I might have to live by it)

    I’ve realized that, us moving on and seeing new things and meeting new people IS NOT the end of the world !!! It’s exactly the thing that makes life exciting !!!, I really do have one of those souls who has the desire to live anything but an average life!! And I think my gut knew that we were moving way too fast and it was way too much for me to handle. So I pressed the breaks.

    I still like him , indeed BUT I don’t feel this obsessive controlling feeling like I need him to just STAYWITHME ME ME ME. I almost In a way am excited for him & for me. We both have big plans. We both want to do so much with the life we were given. So I hope he checks all the marks on his list.

    you come to a point where you just, I don’t know. Find peace. And it’s an amazing feeling. To not only be happy for someone else, but to be happy for yourself, within yourself. Let yourself breath. Stop being so mean to yourself. It’s nice to feel like now I can flirt with new guys that I meet, or go on dates, without feeling this GUILT. I never cheated on him. But I flirted with other guys, and when I told my friends that, they thought it was a crime. But I never did, maybe I’m weird. But. Just want to live my teenage life to the fullest and worry about being trapped in a relationship LATER.

    anyways Anita. I know I will feel different later about him & the situation but, I’ll come back to this paragraph and just let myself let go more and more until I just do. And I’m not rushing myself to that point either, I’m just gliding towards it. Anita.. for some reason you won’t talk to me on any other platform which is ok but I use wish their was an app for this website it’s a pain to get onto and I’ve talked to many people, my grandma people on Quora n you always helped the most, because you know what goes on in my mind because I’ve spilled  everything. Once this s all over I’m getting a therapist. And restarting my life with a positive outlook. The other day I was ready to give up. But I kept fighting, because I am not weak. And this relif is my reward, please ask me some more questions to continue the conversation

    Lisa
    Participant

    For saying that stuff

    Lisa
    Participant

    Sorry lol. And do you have quora ? You don’t seem to want to talk anywhere but on here. But it’s hard for me to answer on a web browser when quora has an app, If so what’s ur username?

    Lisa
    Participant

    I meant. I’m giving up on life.

    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear anita:

    I did. I felt calm for awhile.. but it came back. Anita, this sounds really sad but this might be the last time you ever talk to me.

    I feel that there is absolutely no escape from my thoughts. I’ve lived in fear and anxiety and insecurities. And there is no escape. No matter what irs never ending

    I just want to be at peace. And if you really like me you’ll understand. You’ve heard my thoughts and as you can probably tell. They take over my life.

    I can’t even drink or smoke or anythung because  it makes it worse. I want an escape from my own mind. I really just want it all to stop I want to catch a breath. Thank you for all your help..

    Lisa

     

    Lisa
    Participant

    Okay I’ll try but I think it’s going to help me relax but it won’t help me figure out my situation. Cause even if I feel Good and relaxed, it’ll always go back. And not being with him or being with him I feel trapped in this bubble of depression

    Lisa
    Participant

    I guess I just have to leave him alone if I can’t love him like that I wish I could be that lucky girl but I know there will be a girl who can treat him so much better and it’s gonna break my heart but love shouldn’t be so complicated

    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita;

    hello. I’m feeling upset again. Sadly, I’m not freaking out but, I was watching this random video and a song started playing l, it said “you just want attention, you don’t want my heart, maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new, you just want attention, I knew from the start, you’re just making sure I’m never getting over you.

    this sounds exactly what I’m feeling. And I am afraid of it in a way, I hate myself because of it. Because it’s hard to explain, but it’s not what I’m trying to do at all. But I only start to want to be with him when I imagine him with a new girl. It’s crazy. I never expected myself in this situation. I never thought I would feel like this.

    it’s not heartbreak but it’s just, confusion, because I don’t know why it’s happening, I like how he looks A LOT. I like his personality, I like how he treats me. When I describe my dream person it’s him. But I just get this feeling of just wanting to l breakup with him, I don’t want to be a bad Person. But I almost can’t help it.

    I know if he were in another relationship I would regret it for the rest of my life. Because he treated me so well. I just don’t believe in love anymore.. I feel like one person always loves the other person more: at the start it wasn’t forced at all. But now it so is . And when I think of getting back together I get this rush of anxiety of going backwards.

    I wish it was possible to just ask the universe for the answer to what’s going on in my head. And a fix. But I feel like if I breakup with him. I’m sad: i want to talk to him. But when we’re together, I feel trapped and that’s not love, I don’t want him to move on but I don’t want to not let him move on either because I know I’m not a bad person intentionally. I don’t think anyone understands .

    and even if you help me, I’ll feel positive about it for awhile, then an intrusive thought comes in, and it just takes over. And puts me in this place,

    I want to be with him but I don’t know what’s off, and I want it to go back to how it was but I don’t know if it ever will, but imagining him with simone else makes me sick to my stomach, it’s like I don’t want to be with him but I want him to wait for me. Which isn’t good, but I guess I have to admit it.

    I was thinking it’s okay to just talk sometimes and if the universe brings us back then that will be good. But I know it won’t, because I didn’t love him properly, I loved him selfishly, and that’s exactly the opposite of love. Being selfish. So I know the universe will bring him someone he deserves. Just like I loved my ex properly, and then the current Guy came along and loved me the way I loved my ex, and now I’m loving him the way my ex loved him.

    i just want a solution , CAuse it feels never ending.

    -Lisa

    Lisa
    Participant

    What I meant by this is that. If you and someone or even something are meant to be, but maybe it’s not the right time. Then the universe will naturally bring you guys back to eachother.

     

    Lisa
    Participant

    Not mom, I can *

    Lisa
    Participant

    dear Anita ;

    thank you so much. I really feel so much better for Some reason, maybe I needed to get it out.
    mom generally a really stubborn and angry and passionate person, and it can be good but it can also be bad..

    especially when it comes to love, if I’m putting something in I’m gonna Pour my soul into it. I want to be with him. And I know I’m a good person and what I was doing was NEVER. To use him or to hurt him: because That’s the reason I hated myself so much.

    I think to any of the girls/guys that go through this, I think that it’s important to not be mad at yourself. And getting advice will help. But you have to trust yourself and your own intuition.

    i had this feeling like I wanted to breakup. But I still liked him, and cared for him; and didn’t want to lose him completely. I’d say that it’s most likely because you’re getting into something that you aren’t ready for. And are feeling trapped.

    and I think if he truly loves you then he will wait. And understand, and I got lucky that he felt the exact same way for me. Being 16 and living an adult relationship will strain you. I want to go out and be able to flirt and have fun without feeling guilty. But I’m not interested in anyone else either. Imagining that makes me feel sick. And still for some reason; guilty.

    especially everything I went through, but for me I was so scared of the thought. When it popped up in my head I was so scared of it. And I would get an adrenaline rush every time I felt it. And my stomach would drop, and I’d sweat, emotions can really take you ok physically. If any girls read this who are going through the same thing.

    if you still like him then don’t just give up. Slow down expierence the world, and what is meant for you will always come back to you. Love is weird. But trust the universe. I’m still going through this so I can’t really tell people exactly what to do, other then just take a breath. Put your phone down. Tell him you still care and love him but you need to take a break, and actually take it.

    its okay to message someone you aren’t with. I learned this. You can check up on them without having to talk about your relationship.

    anita I am still going to talk to you often if that’s okay with you. I actually read the forum that you commented on and I felt so happy you gave me so much hope ! And then I was watching this show. And I had seen it was someone in the shows birthday, and her name was Anita, they had big pink ballon letters spelling out “A N I TA” and all of a sudden I knew that I had to talk to you!!! I think that you didn’t tell me exactly what to do but you guided me along the way! Even though we’ve never met you know me better then most of my friends. You know some stories I’ve never told anyone, and your guidance helped me so much. But if I didn’t really dig deep and take time then I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Even when my stubbornness was probably annoying you you still took the time and patience to always reply and calm me down because you’re just a guardian angel !!? I love your approach to things.  And I’m happy to make u smile a smile of relief that I’ve sort of came to some what of a awakening?

    if anyone reads this it’ll be okay: no matter what happens time heals all wounds. It’ll be okay: and AGAIN. What’s meant for you, will always find it’s way back to you: promise ?

    Lisa
    Participant

    Here’s a message he sent me that I’ve copied and pasted..

    I’ll translate some things  you might not understand..

    I dont want to leave me alone I want you focus on ur self n get ur money. cause even in a couple years ik for a fact you’ll be in my heart n mind  idc if you got another boyfriend I’m taking u from him cause ur mine n always will be but i’ve showed you how I am with I love i cant hurt you when u hurt me so I gotta do something else certain things i cant let go of yk n i get over A LOT of things that happened between us

     

    Lisa
    Participant

    I am definitely going to listen; today I felt so overwhelmed and I messaged him. We had a long talk and he told me that he still loves me: but he knows that so much stuff has happend so it’s not good to be in a relationship anymore. For now, he said he doesn’t want to have to talk every day. But he said it would be nice if We checked up on each other every once and awhile. It’s clear that I did like him considering how I reacted to us breaking up. But I just feel this block. And I have a feeling it has everything to do with, moving too fast, and engaging in a sexual relationship that I’m not ready for. We want to build a friendship. Because we never did. I have to find peace in the fact that not every relationship will workout. And that you can’t always get what you want. But that pressure is gone. I just feel relaxed. And it felt good to get out what happened to me. I still haven’t got over it: but I’m trying my hardest. But yeah no relationship now. I don’t even want to think about being in a relationship or feeling so much pressure to only talk to one guy. I just want to feel free like I can live my teenage life without always being attached to someone. But if life works itself out the way I want it to; hell be with me when we’re older and more mature.

    Lisa
    Participant

    Yeah I haven’t seen my brother in like 8 months !!! I want to stay close to him, so that it won’t be awkward. But he’s 7 now soon I’ll be able to drive and just go pick him up and go for ice cream… that would be nice

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 64 total)