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i feel like everything is my fault.

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  • #383579
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear whoever will read this…

    im about to tell the my relationship story. i dont have anyone to talk to so i hope somone can give me their advice.

     

    when i first met him i was still blocked off from beibg abused in my last relationship. i had an arrational fear of abandoment from him. i felt it was too good to be true. i even asked him to be mean to me. i felt like thats what i deserved. i started to feel like i was my ex and he was me.. even though i didnt abuse him i just had so much trauma i never thought anyone could love me…

     

    anyway 5 months into our relationship i became pregnant and had an abortion. i was only 16 and it was my first experience w anything like this. so it all was alot for me and him too.. so i just blirted out that i didnt love him anymore even though i knew i did. more than anything. i love him so much..

     

    after that things changed. and i knew it was my fault. it was built up resentment n fear and i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treating me the way i treated him.

     

    and ive allowed it for so long but its been almost a year and now he just flat out disrespects me and completely doesnt care either..  he broke up with me recently after i confronted him about commenting on another girls pic. i am very spiritual and this feels like good old karma. but what i did wasnt on purpose and i wasnt purposely treating him the way i was.. i just was scared of exactly what im feeling right now. i miss him i want him back but when i text him he makes me feel so stupid..  he’ll make plans to hangout and then tell me hes busy last minute. weve been through so much so i expect more from him… i know he still loves me for a fact but in his mind we need time apart to be together. but its been 3 weeks since we seen eachother and all its doing is making me move on.. which i dont want and neither does he but when i told him that he says he believes in fate. its annnoying. none of our problems were unfixable. im just tired of him disrespecting me. and showing  but somewjere deep inside of me tells me this is all my fault and i shouldnt feel upset or vixtimized because he was great at one point. what should i do ? his whole family tells me hes a liar and selfish and warn me that he can really minipulate people who allow him to.. so idk if its that or that i really am just gettibg back what i did. i feel like ive been making up for that one mistake but all of the times hes let me down. went behind my back cheated or lied has been swepr under the rug because of something i did when i was way younger and had alot of self healing to do. which ive done. i love him and he means alot to me but im tired. but then i think that i dont deserve to b tired or upset because of what i did. almost everyone tells me that what hes doing is wrong (even knowing the whole story) but i just cant help but feel if i never did tgat wed be ok today. but he also couldce Been more understanding I told him that I didn’t love him but as soon as we’re on the car ride home I told him that I didn’t mean that and that my mom’s aanniversary death was coming up and I was going through the loss of my first child he didn’t believe me and didn’t talk to me for weeks and we finally got back together and everything is fine but then again he changed it hasn’t changed back since it’s just progressively been getting worse. I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways I miss him so much and I want to see him but I’m trying to put myself first then I feel that I don’t deserve that either because I was the one who messed up

     

    i hope this makes sense

     

    I know my grandmar is not the best in this story might be long and confusing but I hope you all got the just of it and can help me as much as you can any type of advice from men or women would be helpful I have an open ear and I’m willing to accept thank you

    #383586
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, haven’t read it all, but I did get an approximate idea of some of the key moments in your life so far, including your childhood. I see you’re blaming yourself a lot, while at the same time trying to love yourself (“i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth.”). But it seems that on a deeper level, there’s still a lot of self-condemnation.

    I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made

    What is the mistake you’ve made, that you believe you should pay for,  i.e. that you might deserve poor treatment for?

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #383589
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    A year and 3 months ago, on April 29, 2020, you submitted the following in your original post of your previous thread (I will brush up on the grammar and punctuation for an easier read): “Here’s my story from the absolute start: when I was 5, my parents broke up… When I was 11, my.. mom died.. All of this was before I met my first ever boyfriend, Nick… It was lust at first sight.. Eventually, he talked to me for the first time, and it was like magic… We started dating.. After three months, the bad side of him started to come out: he would scream at me, and make me apologize for things he did. He would cut himself when he and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life… After awhile, he dumped me.. After  week of us breaking up, he was.. f******  my friends.. He would come to my house every once and a while, and f*** me and then put on his clothes and leave.

    “Now, let’s skip to.. I meet this boy at a party. He told me when I walked into the room, he didnt notice anyone else.., and I felt the same. What we had was magical, and everyone saw it too. So, the night we met, we had sex.. We were super drunk and giggly so it wasn’t the best, lol but we had fun…

    “After the first few months, I had met most of his family, I had my job, I was doing well in school. I was happy with him, but deep down, something felt off, something was stopping me from loving him the way I loved my last boyfriend… Now that someone loved me, it meant that I was going to hurt him.. About a month ago, we got pregnant.. Then I just felt this sudden loss of attraction to him, I would think that he’s just some sweaty teenage boy, and I didnt want to sleep next to him. Sex would feel so good, so I just ignored what I felt, and closed my eyes. When I was giving him pleasure, it wasn’t fun anymore..  It doesn’t feel right to leave him because he genuinely loves me.

    A year and 3 months later, you shared the teenage relationship that included you getting pregnant: “Five months into our relationship, I became pregnant and had an abortion. I was only 16.. It all was a lot for me and for him too, so I just blurted out that I didnt love him anymore, even though I knew I did, more than anything. I love him so much.. I wanted him back, and I told him I was going to change, and I did.. but then he almost started treating me the way I treated him… It’s been almost a year and now, he just flat out disrespects me and completely doesn’t care.. He broke up with me recently after I confronted him about commenting on another girls pic… It’s been 3 weeks since we seen each other”.

    Back to your previous thread, at the end of 7 pages of communication, you (at 16) wrote in the last post you submitted to me, July 2020: “I don’t live with my awful dad anymore. I live with y grandparents. I have a job.. I make good money“, and I replied: “Here is what I suggest that you do: because you are making good money, seek quality professional help so to slow down your brain, so that you can think more positively and exercise more control over your emotions“.

    You did not reply to that last post. I am guessing that you did not attend psychotherapy?

    anita

    #383590
    Lisa
    Participant

    when i had just had an abortion and was dealing with past trauma of my ex abusing me and my mom dying it had all boiled up and i told him i didnt love him. not because i didnt but i felt he deserved better. hes a person who doesnt trust many so after that hes never been the same. and almost everytime he makes a mistake it almost always boils down to him saying if i never broke up with him wed still be happy. i keep forgiving him. but im tired of him not making me a priority. being sneaky. lying etc… i do love him and want it to work out but as soon as we make plans to talk or hangout he “forgets” or something happens

     

    i dont want to have to give him the cold shpulder and completely turn my back on all our history but im tired of chasing a grown man around. hes not a bad person but he only really sees things on surface level and never really tries to understand. and i dont like that..

     

    also i was very close w his family and now all of a sudden i havent been there in weeks. id feel stupid to even show my face there.. i miss him but im done being so worked up allll the time. im an over thinker so sorry if this is all over the place thanks 4 responding :,(

    #383592
    anita
    Participant

    * Double posting, Lisa. Notice that I submitted a post to you above yours.

    anita

    #383596
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways

    no, you don’t have to be paying back the karma and enduring his mistreatment for the fact that once, in an extremely difficult period for you, you told him you didn’t love him. You told him numerous times since that you do love him, and not only that, but you’ve also worked on yourself:

    i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treating me the way i treated him.

    What did you do to develop more self-love and self-worth?

    If you really have changed, and weren’t pushing him away any more, like you were in the beginning of your relationship – then there’s no reason he’d treat you like that. It seems he started pushing you away when you sincerely wanted to get closer. He is still blaming you for something you said once, when you were in a really rough spot. He seems unable to forgive you. This would suggest he has issues of his own, perhaps dealing with a sense of betrayal that he experienced in his own family.

    Anyway, what’s happening is that his blaming you falls on fertile ground, because you have a strong sense of guilt, and so you easily go into self-doubt, like I shouldn’t complain and shouldn’t even be saying anything when I am actually the one to blame for all this etc etc. Your self-love and self-worth evaporate in those moments…

    Usually such a strong guilt is related to our childhood, e.g. we may be feeling guilty for disappointing our parents or something like that. Can you remember when you felt guilty for the first time, what were you blaming yourself as a child?

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #383602
    Lisa
    Participant

    no i never went. and yes i said this before but as time went on i realized it wasnt that i didnt love him but i was scared that he loves me. im glad ur still here lol!!

    #383605
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    I am glad too- that I am still here, lol back to you! I don’t really have anything to say about the guy you didn’t see for 3 weeks, other than make it 3 years of not seeing him. Also, take it easy, if you can. If you are only 17- slow down best you can, take care of practical issues and take a break from guys. And post back to me anytime (address me by name, so I know you are talking to me).

    anita

    #383606
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear:teaK & anita

    ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.

     

    to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….

     

    ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.

     

    my whole life my brother has been selfish and treated me awful. my dad verbally and mentally abused me. my mom died and i have no friends.. and because of all of these things it doesnt allow me to bask in relationships. im just in fear of the end.

     

    and i feel like with my most recent ex i really took a look at myself and decided to change and then now its never enough. i feel like hes not at all understanding to my situation. when if it was visa versa id forgive him and put it behind him.. but he just cant seem to…

     

    everything will be okay and all of a sudden we get into one fight and hes done and wants a break  and i love him and want to work it out but he isnt texting me and visa versa and im scared that as soon as i let go and dont turn back thats when hell come running back.

     

    and i think thats why ive allowed myself to be sad for so many weeks because it keeps the wound from healing and it keeps the relationship alive in a way.  i have so much to say but this would go on for 80 pages lol.

    #383608
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear anita

    youre totally right!! im surely in a way better headspace than when we last spoke. im doing a thousand times better. i think im at tge point of truly healing. i think my whole life ive belived its all ny fault but i think my beart is too pure for people:))lol

    #383609
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lisa:

    I too believed my whole life that it’s-all-my-fault: a miserable way to live. When you are told, as a child, that it is all your fault (or when it looks like it, and no one tells you that it is not your fault)- you keep believing your whole life.. that it’s all your fault.

    What a relief it is to know otherwise (that what happened in my childhood was not my fault, and therefore everything that happens to me from then on- is not all my fault). I hope it takes you less time than it took me to realize this truth!

    anita

    #383626
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.

    you’re welcome. And it’s really not your fault.

    ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.

    You have been abandoned a lot in your childhood, Lisa, even by your mother somewhat when she didn’t believe you, and then finally, when she passed away. She was your only support and then you lost her. You couldn’t trust anybody else, you were all alone by the age of 11.

    It’s no wonder you started going out with boys pretty early, and you ended up in an abusive relationship with your previous ex, who just hurt you even more. He might have been the first person who started blaming you openly for things that weren’t your fault:

    he would scream at me, and make me apologize for things he did. He would cut himself when he and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life

    He dumped you, but then after the break-up he would still use you for sex whenever he felt like. You allowed it because you couldn’t bear to be abandoned once again. You probably even believed it was your fault, because the sense of guilt was already imprinted in you from childhood (the child believes that if bad things happen to her and her parents or caretakers are mean to her, it must be her fault).

    to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….

    You did it yourself, without a help of a professional? Have you worked on your fear of abandonment? Because that’s what pushes you into a relationship, and then makes you stay in it even if it’s abusive and you’re not getting your needs met.

     

    #383627
    TeaK
    Participant

    P.S. What shadow work have you done? Have you worked on expressing your anger (in a safe setting) towards those who have hurt you or betrayed you?

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