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Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 142 total)
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  • #383376
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I think i’ll start with creating a positive image and trying physical exercise in my housing complex that i mentioned before.

    Good, let me know how it is going!

    And do u think i’ve had this hobby of laying lazy in my room due to my parents keep relieving me from duties?

    Yes, I think it’s related because if your parents believe that you’re rather incapable and have low expectations of you, you will lack motivation to do anything. You’ll adopt that same negative image of yourself and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I also believed that my self confidence issue isnt only caused my parents, but also rather due to the opinion of most girls in my highschool days… like their “criteria” on boys (which is taller than them, etc)… i always keep their opinion in mind…

    Yes, we as teens are very much affected by the opinion of our peers, and very much want to be liked by them. But someone who has a healthier base from childhood won’t be so strongly affected by their peers, and their self-confidence won’t be crushed if their peers don’t like them. But if our confidence is low to begin with, the rejection by peers will be a horrible blow to our self-esteem, and it might even push us into depression. So the base of self-confidence that we receive in childhood is super important…

    As for those questions that I’ve asked you pretty early into our conversation, you’ve answered them already. Your family situation is clearer, and it’s more or less clear how the core wound was formed. It all boils down to developing more self-esteem, and you can do that by applying those 3 principles from my previous post.

     

    #383407
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Hi Felix – Thanks for sharing your feelings. Even though I’m a girl, I can relate to feeling insecure about your appearance. Your insecurity is about your height, but for someone else it is their weight. For another it is their face. For someone else it  might be they are too tall. So many of us, no MOST of us do not have an ideal body. We have to love ourselves in spite of our imperfections.

    One thing I wonder – do you really hate your height or is it more that feel others judge you because of your height, and so you height it? Because if it’s the latter, and it probably is, the real problem is that you are too worried about others’ opinions of you. Who really cares what other people think? The truth is most of them are too busy thinking about their own imperfections to notice yours. There are MANY short men and fat women and ugly men and ugly women who feel GREAT about themselves because they don’t focus on what other people think of them. One thing that helps me is to think of myself as my own child. Would I criticize my child because her face isn’t perfect? Would I reject my son because he wasn’t tall? Of course not! I would love the child just the same. This is  how we have to be with ourselves.

    We are each given one life to live. Life doesn’t really care what we look like. We can all enjoy nature, learn, grow, build friendships and experience all the amazing things life has for us no matter our height, appearance, etc. Life is the gift given to everyone.

    I hope you will look beyond your height and start thinking about the things that REALLY matter in life. I am trying to do this, too. I hope we both can do it!

    #383408
    C. R. Smith
    Participant

    Note: I regret saying “ugly” in my post. I don’t believe anyone is ugly! I should have said imperfect, as all of us are imperfect. And I should have said overweight rather than fat. That was insensitive and disrespectful of me. Sorry!

    #383413
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

    I’m still on progress on creating a positive image for myself and also for the exercise.

     

     

    There is something i’m curious about… yesterday before i sleep i have thoughts of.. what if i made a different decision in the past…

    Like what if i stopped chatting with that girl in my uni days… could i have a better uni life? Or maybe my current obsession of her might perished right now if i took that decision in the past? It’s not that im regretting what i did in the past (or maybe a little)…. do u think everything that happens now is already fated this way?

     

     

    Also there’s something i wanna ask,

    Why do some people said being a teen is better than being an adult?

    Tbh i dont really like my teen days….

    In my highschool days, most students are all busy comparing “who has the most friends”, “who’s more popular”, “who has the most crush”, “are u invited in this group of people”….. i dont like that period of my life, it forces me to adapt and be likeable so that i can be like them.

    Then in my uni days, those period of “friends” still exists but not too much…. like they still focus on having lots of friends but are also focused on their path after uni… like people started to become individualistic.

    Then after graduating and entering the working period, people started to leave the “group of friends” and become more individualistic… i really like it this way…. like it wont force me to adapt and care about other people….

    Like as an adult when we have less friends, it’s labelled as “normal”. Although yes, there’s more struggles in life when we become adult.

    I cant wait till i reach the moment when i have my own family…. and what i only care is “the group of people i love most”, and it’s normal to have few friends, and i what i do everyday (working) is only for the group of people i love.

    It’s because that i dont really like making friends, and most people at my age are all still trying to make friends with lots of people… i wanna pass this period as soon as possible…

    Do u think it’s weird for me to think this way?

    #383425
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I’d also like to share about my city, especially about one of the reasons why i always said that i find it hard to find girls i’m interested in here.

    So my city is a small city… like an island itself…. and my city isnt the capital in our country. You could say most highschool students in my city are most likely to take one of these 3 paths: uni in our city, uni in the country nearby (a city 45 mins by boat, like the girl i use to tell about), uni in the capital.

    Unfortunately you could say that the “attractive” girls usually take the path of ‘uni in the country nearby or uni in the capital’….. and most of them plan to work in those cities.

    Whereas me, as a fresh graduate i have to continue my family business and i have to stay in this city….

    All girls under my age are all still in uni, even the one a year below me. As my country’s covid cases is rising now, most uni students are studying online… so all of those uni students are still in our city…

    Idk when will they attend their uni offline… i guess it’s till the covid cases in my country decreases a lot, and i’m not sure when it’ll be.

    So my hope is that those “attractive” girls will stay/work in our city after graduating uni (like they didnt get a job on those cities/prefer not to work there), but i cant predict them 😂. I knew this because i’ve checked most girls instagram to know what uni they attend, because i usually get to know girls from instagram.

    Girls below my age by a year will graduate next year, below my age by two years will graduate in the next 2 years and so on…

    I think this is the drawbacks of living in a small city in an island itself…

    Is this me overanalyzing? 😂

    #383464
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Is this me overanalyzing?

    Yes, it is. You’re much more active in your brain, your thinking, than your physical body. Your mind is racing 100 miles per hour, while you’re sitting still in your chair in your room. If you want progress with your self-esteem, you’ll need to force yourself to get up and do something…

    I’m still on progress on creating a positive image for myself and also for the exercise.

    Let me know how it is gong, once you start with your exercises…

    #383571
    Lisa
    Participant

    dear whoever will read this…

    im about to tell the my relationship story. i dont have anyone to talk to so i hope somone can give me their advice.

     

    when i first met him i was still blocked off from beibg abused in my last relationship. i had an arrational fear of abandoment from him. i felt it was too good to be true. i even asked him to be mean to me. i felt like thats what i deserved. i started to feel like i was my ex and he was me.. even though i didnt abuse him i just had so much trauma i never thought anyone could love me…

     

    anyway 5 months into our relationship i became pregnant and had an abortion. i was only 16 and it was my first experience w anything like this. so it all was alot for me and him too.. so i just blirted out that i didnt love him anymore even though i knew i did. more than anything. i love him so much..

     

    after that things changed. and i knew it was my fault. it was built up resentment n fear and i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treatinf me the way i treated him.

     

    and ive allowed it for so long but its been almost a year and now he just flat out disrespects me and completely doesnt care either.. and he broke up with me recently after i confronted him about commenting on qnotger girls pic. i am very spiritual and this feels like good old karma. but what i did wasnt on purpose  and i wasnt purposely treating him the way i was.. i just was scared of exactly what im feeling right now. i miss him i want him back but when i text him he makes me feel so stupid. hell make plans to hangout and then tell me hes busy..

     

    last minute ans it hurts. but somewjere deep inside of me tells me this is all my fault and i shouldnt feel upset or vixtimized because he was great at one point. what should i do ? his whole family tells me hes a liar and selfish and warn me that he can really minipulate people who allow him to.. so idk if its that or that i really am just gettibg back what i did. i feel like ive been making up for that one mistake but all of the times hes let me down. went behind my back cheated or lied has been swepr under the rug because of something i did when i was way younger and had alot of self healing to do. which ive done. i love him and he means alot to me but im tired. but then i think that i dont deserve to b tired or upset because of what i did. almost everyone tells me that what hes doing is wrong (even knowing the whole story) but i just cant help but feel if i never did tgat wed be ok today. but he also couldce Been more understanding I told him that I didn’t love him but as soon as we’re on the car ride home I told him that I didn’t mean that and that my mom’s at anniversary death was coming up and I was going through the loss of my first child he didn’t believe me and didn’t talk to me for weeks and we finally got back together and everything is fine but then again he changed it hasn’t changed back since it’s just progressively been getting worse. I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways I miss him so much and I want to see him but I’m trying to put myself first then I feel that I don’t deserve that either because I was the one who messed up

     

    I know my grandma is not the best in this story might be long and confusing but I hope you all got the just of it and can help me as much as you can any type of advice from men or women would be helpful I have an open ear and I’m willing to accept thank you

    #383575
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    would you please start a topic of your own, so that we leave this space for Felix?

    See you there!

    #383694
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

    Aside from the exercise…after a few days, i can feel an impact of “moving on” from that girl.. although only a little… like i’m starting to feel tired thinking of her… but the obsession is still there.. like i still feel uneasy if i look today’s date and it reminded of me that she’s entering uni this october (although due to our city lockdown, she’ll attend the uni online till idk when). Also whenever i see good-looking girls on movies/social media it also reminds me of her.

    I dont know what impacted me but right now i’m in the state where i’m tired thinking of relationships… i hope this isnt due to me being affected by her repetitive words that keeps saying “she doesnt want to be in a relationship). I used to be a person who regards relationship as my no 1 priority and source of happiness… even when holidays whenever i saw a beautiful place or scenery i always keep imagining me and my partner enjoying romantic time there… like i keep having that kind of imagination (i always used that girl as the “girl” for that romantic imagination).

    I never really enjoyed my holiday as my own self… as i keep imagining those romantic stuffs… now i feel regret… i should’ve enjoyed my holiday thinking only of myself…. And now my city is in lockdown, i cant enjoy holidays….

    Although im still having obsession of that girl, now i feel regret liking her for the past few years (i never felt regret before of her, i keep convincing myself that she’s the one)… like i should’ve enjoyed my uni days for my own self… and i’ve wasted it by focusing on her….

    Am i on my way of moving on from her if i feel this way?.. although i still have uneasy feeling when i look at her pic…(i hate the fact that she’s goodlooking, i cant deny it).

    Why do i have to experience this kind of situation with that girl, if i never fall for her… this obsessive thoughts will not happen…

    Although due to separating from her… now my brain gets motivated to go to the gym later on after my city’s lockdown has been lifted… also i start to look after myself more right now… i used to dont care anything about myself because i think i dont deserve it as i’m short. I have a feeling that i view that girl as a rival now… is it weird? Like i keep wanting to impress that girl if i get a new girl later on…, also i wanna show her that i have a better life than her… i really hope it can happen…

    I also feel like i need to be “like-able” to other girls… so that it’ll increase my chances…

    All i can think is by going to the gym… and fixing my shyness with girls and improve my communication skills with people.

    I dont really understand myself why i’m feeling like this now… like i saw her as a rival now… but if she suddenly “said” to me that she wants to reconcile i wouldnt mind that. But i can say that some part of me has lost interest to her.

    I know you’d say that this is me overanalyzing again… but do u have a few words regarding this situation of mine? Like maybe u might understand what i’m feeling right now?

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Felix.
    #383697
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    Aside from the exercise…

    have you done some exercises?

    now my brain gets motivated to go to the gym later on after my city’s lockdown has been lifted

    You said you would do some jogging around the block. Is it possible at the moment (with regard to covid)? If not, try to exercise in your room, or in your garden…

    Your thoughts are similar as before, you’ve already expressed once that you see this girl as a rival, or that you’re jealous because she’s a girl and as such, has an easy task to find boys, whereas you as a boy don’t have such an easy task to find girls, etc. You also talked about having a shortage of girls in your city and mentioned other issues that you see as potential obstacles for you. This is all your mind overthinking and keeping you stuck.

    I know you’d say that this is me overanalyzing again… but do u have a few words regarding this situation of mine? Like maybe u might understand what i’m feeling right now?

    My words and advice are the same as before: 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.

    I really cannot give you a different advice at the moment…

     

    #383701
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “You said you would do some jogging around the block. Is it possible at the moment (with regard to covid)? If not, try to exercise in your room, or in your garden…“

    = Few days ago i tried jogging around the block, but sometimes people bring their dogs for a walk (due to lockdown and everyone stayed at home)… so i think it’s too dangerous for me to go out from my house… in the garden i could disturb my dad who usually take care of his plants there…

    I guess the only way is in my room…. My motivation is actually to make my body more buff as right now im so thin (im not only short but also thin)… but to be buff quickly i need to go to the gym for the equipments but right now due to lockdown i cant…. So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?

     

    “Your thoughts are similar as before, you’ve already expressed once that you see this girl as a rival, or that you’re jealous because she’s a girl and as such, has an easy task to find boys, whereas you as a boy don’t have such an easy task to find girls, etc. You also talked about having a shortage of girls in your city and mentioned other issues that you see as potential obstacles for you. This is all your mind overthinking and keeping you stuck.“

    = I see, so this is still me overthinking and stuck in the same thing again… i thought that’s a different situation but turns out it’s the similar thoughts as before…

    I’ll try to continue with the 3 advices you give me…

     

    On the other hand, i’d like to ask….

    I’m trying to improve every parts of me now… i’m thinking of using braces, as u know my personality do u think it’s worth it for me?

    One of my front teeth’s position is in backwards… so everytime i smile… in the picture it’ll look like i have a missing tooth. I’m a person who tends to complain.. i’m worried that if i get braces later on i’ll complain… because if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces…. So if i stop before finishing my braces completely… i’ll have a missing front tooth…. And i believe if i stop midway like that.. and i have a missing tooth.. it’ll cause myself a lot of anxiety later on…

    I used to ask my mother in the past… she told me it’s not worth it to sacrifice a tooth as it’s precious… and also due to my “difficulties” in eating.. she said i’d have difficulties eating later on….

    But right now ofc due to lockdown i cant go to the dentist… this is only one of my plan that i can think about to improve myself along with making my body more buff…Idk why but i really wanna make myself “at least” more attractive.

     

     

    #383704
    Felix
    Participant

    *continuation from the previous thread*

    There is also something i’m curious about…

    As a person who frequently feels regret…

    So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?

     

    #383707
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?

    you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.

    Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?

    if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces

    how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?

    As a person who frequently feels regret… So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?

    Regret is a normal human emotion, and sometimes healthy too, e.g. if we realize that we’ve hurt someone, and we decide never to do it again. Regret should lead us to change our behavior, but it’s only healthy if we also forgive ourselves for the wrong-doing we did. Beating ourselves up for something we did and never forgiving ourselves is not a good kind of regret.

    A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret.

    You’ve also expressed regret for admitting to your girlfriend/crush that you love her and for crying when she refused you. In this case you haven’t really hurt anybody’s feelings, you didn’t do anything wrong, you simply showed honest emotions. You showed vulnerability. Being yourself and being vulnerable isn’t a wrong-doing, and therefore regretting it isn’t a healthy thing, but it’s actually self-condemnation and it’s destructive.

    To sum up, this is how I see regret: A healthy regret is accompanied by self-forgiveness and a positive behavior change, while unhealthy regret comes with self-condemnation and getting stuck in the past and ruminating about the past.

    Can you see the difference between the two?

     

    #383817
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you once again for ur reply.

     

    “you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.

    Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?“

    = i think there is a pair of dumbbell weights in my house… although it’s not heavy i guess i can try to use it for my exercise.

    Nope, none of my family goes for a jog/walking outside our house anymore as we feel it isnt safe.. so i guess i’ll do the exercise in my room.

     

     

    “how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?“

    = That tooth is bent a bit too backwards.. if i remember correctly when i go to the dentist that time (i went to the dentist to cleanse my teeth) he said that to wear braces i’ll need to sacrifice that backwards tooth in which it’ll leave a gap.. and by using braces the tooth beside will move and cover the gap.

     

    And thanks once again for explaining about “regret”.. i think i can understand it better now…and yeah i can see the difference between those two explanations,

    i used to think that what i did cant be changed, like every person’s opinion on me (regarding the instagram posts) is already fixed and people will look down on me/in a negative way… but i guess i was wrong.

     

     

    As for this part that you said from the previous thread,

    “You also talked about having a shortage of girls in your city and mentioned other issues that you see as potential obstacles for you. This is all your mind overthinking and keeping you stuck.“

    = Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?

    The future will guide me by itself right? 😅😂

    #383823
    Felix
    Participant

    “Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?

    The future will guide me by itself right? 😅😂“

    = i apologize if i’m asking this…. It’s just my curiosity… (didnt mean to overthink again).

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Felix.
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