Dear Janus:

“I have been wondering if it would be better if I chose a career path that allowed me to be more in nature”- absolutely, you’ve been expressing your love for nature in your thread again, and again, ever since Dec 2015, so yes, better nature be a huge consideration for you. You don’t feel judged in nature, so way better for you in nature.

“But I have been studying Biochemistry for three years”- how about combining the two and working in agricultural sciences. Wikipedia on the topic reads: “Agricultural sciences include research and development on: Plant breeding and genetics, Plant pathology, Horticulture, Soil science” (and more). Notice the words genetics and pathology, two items you’ve been interested in for a long, long time. And soil science- I can see you in my mind’s eye collecting samples of soil, a solitary endeavor outdoors.

“The anxiety and gender dysphoria.. Lately I’ve been having some panic attacks.. I work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious… I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away.. I feel like I am unconsciously giving up my health and giving up living a long life just to ease my gender dysphoria”.

I do not have any problem with you identifying as male, and respect that you do. Gender dysphoria though goes beyond gender identity- it is a mental illness, and it is categorized a disorder/ disease in the current U.S DSM-5 and in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10), which is a “globally used diagnostic tool”, maintained by WHO.

Wikipedia defines Gender dysphoria as “the distress a person feels due to a mismatch between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth”. Notice the definition is not “a mismatch between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth”, but the distress over that mismatch.

It lists complications of this mental illness as “Eating disorders, suicide, depression, anxiety, social isolation”,  which apply to you. Part of your eating disorder is your over-exercising to the point of fainting: “I work out more until.. I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass  out.. I work out a lot just to feel the physical pain that makes me feel like I’m alive like I’m in control”.

You need more help in terms of counseling and perhaps psychiatric medications to help you with managing and lessening the distress involved in this mental illness, so that you stop damaging your health  by over-exercising and unhealthy eating habits. I suggest that you consider seeing a psychiatrist for medications.

I also suggest that you remove your emphasis from being on the gender identity element of your gender dysphoria,  and focus on mental illness part of gender dysphoria. In other words, look for help primarily in the mental health realm, not in the political activism realm.

“I feel like my relationship with my parents has become more strained.. I just want them to acknowledge who I am.. It gives me a lot of anxiety going out in the world not having my parents support.”- I am so sorry that you have the parents that you do. I wish they never yelled at you, I wish they approved of you just the way you are, and that they provided you with a home that feels safe and accepting.

anita