Dear Felix:

I read much of your previous posts in your other threads starting July 3, 2019 all the way to your most recent thread. These are my comments today:

1. You clearly express a poor self esteem. Self esteem is a person’s subjective evaluation of their own worth. A person with low self esteem shows characteristics like

Heavy self criticism (“I know this sounds pathetic.. I know this sounds dumb.. I know this doesn’t sound right but this is what I think”)

Hypersensitivity to criticism by others and fear of rejection (“Do u think she’ll be disgusted/ turned off when we meet for the first time later on? .. I saw that her family is.. in good relationship.. I’m afraid that this could be an issue .. that she could reject me due to my family relationships.. I’m also shy to day to let’s say my future girlfriend.. that my current occupation is doing aquarium business”).

Anger  (“I still hate god for ruining my dreams on having a rectangle body shape.. my dreams are already ruined and it’s not even my fault.. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I even feel I can’t forgive god for this unfairness”).

Shame: (“I feel embarrassed as I can’t wear any sandals or shoes and if I stand in the wrong angle I even can be shorter… since I’m a kid and right now every time I meet new people I’ll feel pressured and feel confused.. whenever I see a girl which I find attractive.. I’ll feel shy to talk and even shy to look her in the eye, so I pretend to not care and start playing with my phone to avoid feeling shy… I still feel embarrassed of aquarium.. most people I know will always laugh at aquarium.. I really wanted to help with the business, but I keep thinking of embarrassment”).

* You express a touch of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, compulsively focusing on your height and a self perceived flaw (“I’m short and not good looking.. I hate my body so much as I’m very short.. Every day I look in the mirror I always feel like crying.. I can’t accept my height.. I still hate god for ruining my dreams of having a rectangle body shape.. I can’t accept that I’m the shortest boy”).

2. There is no easy cure for the above. It is possible to heal from these things but it is difficult to do and it requires a lot of time and ongoing effort, as well as help from at least one other person.

Healing will take facing reality (“I wanna escape reality”).

Healing will take accepting your body as it is, no longer feeling shame for it (“I can’t accept that I’m the shortest boy”), as well as accepting everything else about your life and circumstances that you cannot change, including your father’s two businesses, no longer feeling shame for his aquarium business.

Healing will take you no longer comparing yourself unfavorably to your peers (for being taller than you, or for their parents having office jobs or for having businesses like building materials shops vs your father’s aquarium business).

Healing will take you no longer focusing solely on getting a girlfriend, waiting and waiting for that to happen, not caring about anything else (Sept 9, 2019: “I can’t even think of continuing my parents’ business after uni as in my mind my objective is only to find a girl for me. And if I got one, I’ll have a motivation to think of continuing the business).

Healing will take you focusing on your healing, and on putting your education into use, if not by working in one of your father’s two businesses, then in working elsewhere.

anita