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I’m so confused, what should i do

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  • #354192
    Felix
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So here i’m so confused with my future… i think it’s what u called “quarter life crisis” maybe… so i’ve just graduated from university abroad and now i’m at my hometown to help with my parents business. My dad owns 2 business which is housing contractors and aquarium/fish. The aquarium/fish business is solely owned unlike the contractor. Our aquarium business is quite well known in my small city.. my dad has expanded it several stores. My parents told me after graduate that i should go back to hometown and continue their business… i’m really sure it’s about the aquarium store… even though it’s quite well known, i’ve been really embarrassed with it… because i live in a townhouse, in which the first floor of our house is one of our aquarium stores (the first established store is this store before the several stores).. and when i was a kid i always invited my friends to my house but they always end up teasing my house due to our first floor is quite wet due to fish and it’s also an old townhouse… till now i never really invited my friends to my house again, i also never let my new friends to see my house.. i’m really shy with this. When someone ask me what my parents work, i’ll always answer “housing contractors” and nothing else… The contractor is actually also business, but it’s not solely owned so its quite complicated…

    I always never had any thoughts on what should i do for my future (unlike everyone who search for jobs).. idk if i should be grateful that i have my parents business for me to continue… but it’s just that i still feel embarrassed of aquarium… most people i know will always laugh at aquarium idk why, they can laugh at fishes stuffs..

    Recently my dad is angry at me for always only being in my room playing/watching… he told me that i should start thinking for the future and know what i wanna do from now on…. My dad started this aquarium business due to his hobby.. i really wanted to help with the business, but i keep thinking of embarrassment.. i’m also shy to say to *let’s say my future girlfriend.. that my current occupation is doing aquarium business… i really dont have any interest with aquarium and i also have embarrassment for it, but it’s just that i cant throw this business as my dad has grow it to be quite well known here… i’m so confused right now on what should i do…

    i study management in my uni and it’s not related to any of the business of my parents, before entering uni they put me in a quite expensive private uni abroad, and told me that i just have to at least graduate in uni and after that i’ll just have to go back and help with the business.

    All girls i know also doesn’t regard aquarium and fish highly, and most girls also i think doesn’t have any particular interest in fish and aquarium.. (i even feel embarrassed when i write this)

    I’m the only son of the family so that means i’ll have to continue the business, and i’m a person with no ambition at all but i really wanna have a family of my own… idk if i’m just too lazy or maybe ungrateful…

    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by Felix.
    #354210
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    I would like to understand the nature of one of your father’s business, the “aquarium and fish” business: do you mean that your father raises fish and sells the fish to private aquarium owners, as well as aquariums and supplies?

    Can you list the specific things regarding this business that you are embarrassed about?

    anita

    #354230
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    The nature of the business is that my dad is a private aquarium owner and we take fish from supplier abroad… and we sell it here to consumers and also we sell it to smaller private aquarium shops in my town who don’t have a supplier.

    The part of the business that i’m embarrassed about is that the floor of the shop is always wet and smelly due to fish scent… and also most people here regards fish (aquarium fish) as like a low standard type of business… and idk why people here few of them like to joke about fish, like their faces and etc… and also joke about the process of taking care of aquarium fish, like my father’s employees usually put their hands inside the aquarium (not only i think people see this as a joke, but also maybe a bit disgusting). Then due to this, it also affects on my embarrassment on girls, they could think like i mentioned above…
    Most of my friends parents job is like a normal type of job, like office jobs.. even if they own a business it’ll be like building materials shops, bulb shops, electronic shops, money changer… so it’s not disgusting and smelly…

    #354294
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    I read much of your previous posts in your other threads starting July 3, 2019 all the way to your most recent thread. These are my comments today:

    1. You clearly express a poor self esteem. Self esteem is a person’s subjective evaluation of their own worth. A person with low self esteem shows characteristics like

    Heavy self criticism (“I know this sounds pathetic.. I know this sounds dumb.. I know this doesn’t sound right but this is what I think”)

    Hypersensitivity to criticism by others and fear of rejection (“Do u think she’ll be disgusted/ turned off when we meet for the first time later on? .. I saw that her family is.. in good relationship.. I’m afraid that this could be an issue .. that she could reject me due to my family relationships.. I’m also shy to day to let’s say my future girlfriend.. that my current occupation is doing aquarium business”).

    Anger  (“I still hate god for ruining my dreams on having a rectangle body shape.. my dreams are already ruined and it’s not even my fault.. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I even feel I can’t forgive god for this unfairness”).

    Shame: (“I feel embarrassed as I can’t wear any sandals or shoes and if I stand in the wrong angle I even can be shorter… since I’m a kid and right now every time I meet new people I’ll feel pressured and feel confused.. whenever I see a girl which I find attractive.. I’ll feel shy to talk and even shy to look her in the eye, so I pretend to not care and start playing with my phone to avoid feeling shy… I still feel embarrassed of aquarium.. most people I know will always laugh at aquarium.. I really wanted to help with the business, but I keep thinking of embarrassment”).

    * You express a touch of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, compulsively focusing on your height and a self perceived flaw (“I’m short and not good looking.. I hate my body so much as I’m very short.. Every day I look in the mirror I always feel like crying.. I can’t accept my height.. I still hate god for ruining my dreams of having a rectangle body shape.. I can’t accept that I’m the shortest boy”).

    2. There is no easy cure for the above. It is possible to heal from these things but it is difficult to do and it requires a lot of time and ongoing effort, as well as help from at least one other person.

    Healing will take facing reality (“I wanna escape reality”).

    Healing will take accepting your body as it is, no longer feeling shame for it (“I can’t accept that I’m the shortest boy”), as well as accepting everything else about your life and circumstances that you cannot change, including your father’s two businesses, no longer feeling shame for his aquarium business.

    Healing will take you no longer comparing yourself unfavorably to your peers (for being taller than you, or for their parents having office jobs or for having businesses like building materials shops vs your father’s aquarium business).

    Healing will take you no longer focusing solely on getting a girlfriend, waiting and waiting for that to happen, not caring about anything else (Sept 9, 2019: “I can’t even think of continuing my parents’ business after uni as in my mind my objective is only to find a girl for me. And if I got one, I’ll have a motivation to think of continuing the business).

    Healing will take you focusing on your healing, and on putting your education into use, if not by working in one of your father’s two businesses, then in working elsewhere.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #355500
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You are welcome to not answer my reply to you above. I am posting this just in case you aren’t aware that I indeed replied to you here. I noticed you started a new thread, but I will let others answer it and any future thread you may start. If you want to communicate with me further, you can do it here. Otherwise, my best wishes to you.

    anita

    #355506
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I have read your post and understand your advice and I deeply apologize if i should have reply instead of starting a new thread as i thought it’s about a new different topic so i create it.

    <Below i copy several sentences from the thread i just created>

    So lately i’ve been trying to accept to continue their business but i’m still confused and don’t know what my parents are trying to make me work… because when i ask what should i do.. they’ll just give me a small work that requires no responsibility and is easy. Therefore this leads me to be in my room more especially when right now is lockdown so they told me not to come out (only my dad goes to work). Because i keep being in my room, my dad is always mad at me.. he said that i’m very lazy… because everytime he ask me to do his hobbies/activities when he has finished work like jogging, and taking a look at his garden.. i always refuse because i have no interest in that. I also dont wanna do that activities because i hardly talk to my dad, i’m not close to him and also he’s an introverted guy and has few friends. My dad always told me to go workout instead of being in my room… but i just dont like working out as i have a weak stamina. I never really like sports. Actually i’m pretty bored myself if i keep watching in my room everyday, but it’s just that im too lazy to do any stuffs.

    As for my work, i still don’t know what will i do later on, because my dad always look as me as a person who’s passive and only can wait for someone to do it for me. I’m really worried on this because i dont want my future girlfriend to look at me as a worthless person who can’t do work, but it’s just that im confused on what to do. And also i have no choice but to continue in my father’s footsteps. Sometimes i think that i should have just try finding a job abroad (in the country where my uni is) even though if the salary is very low so that people (my future girlfriend) could look at me as a person with a job… but even if i work there, i’ll still end up going back to my hometown…. Right now i really hate being in my hometown, i didn’t meet new people at all… and i thought if i find a job abroad maybe i can find new people that maybe one of them could end up be in a relationship with me, but i’ll have to keep saving money only to pay the rent there, so it’s actually not worth it.

    I really wanted to have a partner (girl) to talk to, to cuddle to, to hug… i always imagine this mostly before i’m sleeping but i dont even know how my life will become with this confusing path and also i haven’t met new people (also my parents have very little friends, and they hardly introduce any new people to me). I also always wanted to have a family on my own, but with continuing my parents business i know i’ll always get attached to them even though i prefer to have my own privacy.

    I’m really going through a healing period for myself, but it’s just that my lazy behavior… do i really need to change it? and try to do activities that most people do like my dad (jogging, gardening) or do i keep just being myself to only watch movies? Am i being ungrateful by being lazy like this?

    #355510
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    It’s okay for you to start a new thread any time you want to, and I have no problem with that. It’s just that I will be communicating with you only on this thread because it will be easier for me. You can start new threads and communicate with other members on your new threads, if you get replies.

    “I just don’t like working out as I have a weak stamina”- I think that you should see a medical doctor for the swallowing disorder you suffer from, which leads to you not eating enough. You need to find a way to get nutrients into you so that your health and stamina improves.

    “do I really need to .. do activities that most people like my dad (jogging, gardening) or do I keep just being myself to only watch movies?”- I think it is a good idea for you to physically exercise (but choose the kind of exercise and amount of exercise that fits your health and stamina, which hopefully will be improving). Gardening with your father is an excellent idea. I suggest that you give it an honest try.

    anita

     

    #356776
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    My swallowing disorder doesnt make me eat less, i can still eat a lot regularly by using water on each swallowing process. I just dont know why i have a weak stamina.

    Regarding the gardening, i still dont wanna try it idk why. I dont feel any enthusiasm in doing it.

    #356782
    Felix
    Participant

    I also feel that i’m unlucky because i have to continue their business and go back to this hometown after finishing my uni abroad. Sometimes i envy people who find their own job after uni that they can try their own life… idk why im feeling like this, some of my friends said that i should be grateful that my parents have a business and i can do my job easily (relax) here… it’s just that i feel so bored in this town, like i feel sad i end up here again and i dont make many friends here, like i really wanna explore more… but i know as i’m a lazy person i’ll end up going back here as it’s the best scenario for me. But again i still feel bored here.

    I also feel bored here that i still can’t find a girl for me here….

    Is this me being selfish or that i’m still not matured yet?

    #356794
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “My swallowing disorder doesn’t make me eat less, I can still eat a lot regularly by using water on each swallowing process. I don’t know why I have a weak stamina”- in a previous thread you shared that you don’t chew your food, that you consume liquid food/ food that doesn’t require chewing.

    This is from www. healthline. com/ nutrition/ drinking with meals: “digestion starts in your mouth as soon as you start to chew your food. Chewing signals your salivary glands to start producing saliva, which contains enzymes that help you break down food”-

    – if you don’t chew, your salivary glands do not produce saliva and the enzymes required to break down the food. So even if you consume enough food, much of the food may leave your body undigested, so the nutrients and calories in that food don’t stay in your body. Therefore, you may be malnourished.

    One other concern: maybe drinking too much water with food interrupts its digestion in the stomach, also causing the nutrients and calories in the food to not be released to your body, therefore you don’t have much energy.

    I read your second post where you wrote: “I really wanna explore more.. but I  know as I’m a lazy person”- to explore more you need to be well nourished and have more energy. If you fix your nutrition, you will be healthier and more energetic.. and maybe not lazy at all.

    anita

    #356796
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I think the second post i wrote above is a separate matter than the swallowing problem?

    #356802
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “I also feel that I’m unlucky because I have to continue their business and go back to this hometown after finishing my uni abroad.. I feel so bored in this town.. I really wanna explore more.. I still can’t find a girl for me here… Is this me being selfish or that I’m still not matured yet?”-

    – no, I don’t think that this is you being selfish and immature. I think that it’s fine if you don’t go back to your hometown after university, and if you don’t work in any of your father’s businesses-  and instead you explore life elsewhere.

    Here is where maturity comes in: you have to find a way to live elsewhere and explore a different kind of life than the one that is waiting for you in your hometown. You have to find a way to finance a different kind of life. You have to plan your new life step by step, and make the plan happen.

    Fixing your possible malnutrition can be part of such a plan.

    anita

     

    #357128
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Suddenly i have a change of mind, that makes me feel lucky that i have it easy here.. but i dont know if this mindset will change again.

    Recently im starting to realize that i think i’ve been pressuring myself too much (since the first time i posted here)… whereas now i can start appreciate daily life more. I think it’s because one of my close friends used to tell me that you should enjoy each day to the fullest, but right now i think its not true… it causes me to not appreciate small things. And he’s also the one who keep telling me that at my age now (21) i should explore life more, but if i tell my parents that, i think they’d be mad for saying that i should be grateful that i can go back here without having any need to find a job elsewhere. Do u think what i said here is true?

    #357153
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    If I understand correctly, you are saying that your friend told you that you “should explore life more”, meaning not live with your parents and continue your father’s businesses, but live away from your parents, getting a job of your own. You agree with what he said, but you are afraid that if you tell your parents that you want to live away and get a job elsewhere, they will be angry at you.

    If that’s what you meant in your recent post, then my input is that if you find a job and are able to financially support yourself living away from your family, you don’t need them to agree with you: you can make your own way in life regardless of their agreeing or disagreeing with you.

    anita

    #357174
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I apologize for being unclear. No i didnt agree with what he said haha, i agree with my parents because i know they do it for my own good… but because i feel bored in this town i “sometimes” could think of that words that my friend said like i could think/imagine me being in another place where i can explore.. but i know in the end i’ll still follow my parents…

    Also in my previous threat i used to talk on how much im so embarrassed with my dad’s aquarium business. So due to that i used to show off to my friends on how wealthy i am by wearing expensive outfits and also bragging on my parents wealthiness to avoid being embarrassed. But after i start to accept my father’s business i feel like blaming myself for showing off.. like why should i do that… now i realize that people might think im arrogant and like a spoiled brat who splashes money… i really really regret it like idk what to do.. like people already see me like that… i keep blaming myself for that in the past few days on this matter.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Felix.
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