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I’m so confused, what should i do

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  • #357184
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    If I now understand correctly, there is a new development in your mind and heart: you are beginning to appreciate your life with your parents and with your father’s businesses, including the aquarium business- this is an excellent development and I am glad to read about it! It is very good news to me because it will be way easier for you to build on your father’s businesses than to look for a job as a beginning employee someplace else.

    Yes, do appreciate your life as it is, including your family businesses. I bet there are changes you can make to the aquarium business to make it more pleasant and interesting for yourself.

    Regarding having bragged/ showed off in the past about your parents’ wealth- you figure it’s the wrong behavior, you regret it and you will not repeat it, good thing. No reason to punish yourself for it. Imagine you had a child and the child bragged, if the child learned to not repeat that behavior, there is no reason to punish the child, is there?

    anita

    #357290
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Yes it’s an excellent development for me and also thank you for appreciating and giving solutions previously.

    Regarding the showing off in the past, i still can’t get over with…. like i used to brag that my father has his own housing complex in which the house will be sold to the people (as he’s a contractor/developer)… when i brag about this, my friends doesn’t seem to care about my bragging… i did this to cover my embarrassment of the aquarium business that time. But when they look like they doesn’t seem to care, i feel like getting slapped in the face, like i feel disgusted by myself why should i brag when people don’t really care.

    Every day i have this thoughts that i keep blaming myself…. as my duty is to continue my parents business and i still can’t do anything… but i have already brag about the wealth as i always thought people would have more respect on me if they know my wealth. I feel embarrassed now and keep blaming myself…. like i even shout my anger to myself.

    I really can’t handle embarrassment.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Felix.
    #357309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You are welcome. “bragging.. I did this to cover my embarrassment… I feel disgusted by myself why should I brag when people don’t really care… I keep blaming myself… I feel embarrassed now and keep blaming myself.. like I even shout my anger to myself. I really can’t handle embarrassment”-

    Embarrassment is shame. Shame is the belief that you are inferior to others, not good enough. There is a lot of emotional pain that accompanies this belief.

    Anger at yourself, blaming yourself follows the shame, it is you getting angry at yourself for your perceived inferiority.

    As you found out, bragging doesn’t change shame, so don’t do that anymore. Instead, aim at healing that shame and anger at yourself. You are not inferior to others: your basic worth as a human being is the same as any other human being. You are not less-than others:

    – Your height does not make you less-than others.

    – Working in the aquarium business does not make you less-than others.

    – Not having a girlfriend does not make you less-than others.

    * Learn from your mistakes and correct them (ex., bragging- simply don’t brag anymore).

    * Learn your father’s businesses and do your best in those, focus on getting better and better at it.

    * When you notice that you are angry at yourself, say something kind to yourself (instead of the unkind things you’ve been saying to yourself).

    * When you notice that you are feeling the pain of shame, say to yourself: my worth is the same as any other person in the world. I am not less-than. I am equal!

    anita

    #357355
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Yes i think that’s the main problem that connects each of my issues which is me always feeling inferior to others… therefore it leads me to try to show off to erase it. This inferiority feeling also causes me to unable to communicate properly with strangers, due to me afraid of their judgements and lead me to freeze in the middle of the conversation.

    Honestly my inferiority still exists, its just that now i can control it better than before. I hope i can control it better and better throughout time, especially the height part as it’s irreversible.

    But is there any ways for me to forget the shame that i feel (the one i wrote previously)… because i cant predict what the people that i showed off before are thinking right now. Like i cant explain to them one by one about this.. as it’s my personal matter.

    #357363
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    It is good to read your first two paragraphs: you understand what is happening, excellent thinking!

    Regarding what the people you bragged to are thinking, and explaining to them that you were bragging- no need for you to explain unless there is a practical reason to explain. For example, if a person you bragged to asks you to talk to your father about hiring him and paying him a large amount of money (believing that your father has way more money than he has), then explain to that person that you bragged and that you regret that you did.

    But without a practical reason, don’t bother explaining that you bragged earlier. What they think about you personally doesn’t really matter, does it- I mean other people’s thoughts can’t hurt you, these are only thoughts, not actions.

    Plus, just as you think a lot about.. you, other people think a lot about themselves, so you think that they are thinking about you while they are not.

    anita

    #358410
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I havent been bragging anymore, but recently i’ve showed off again by posting a birthday pic for one of my friend on social media (it’s a pic of us eating in a fancy restaurant). At first i feel happy to show people of this pic because i look good in there… but then after posting it i regret again, yet again because i dont want people to think im showing off again, as i’m trying to stop people from thinking about me in that way. But i did it again and now i really really regret it.

    I started to show off because one of my closest friend (he’s kind to me, but he’s spoiled rich since he was a kid). He used to told me that to avoid feeling inferior you must show your status of wealth. Because i’m a person who likes to show people about me on social media(seeking attention) and because he teach me to show wealth, i end up posting luxury food for the past 3 years on daily basis. I know his intention is good for me to stop feeling inferior, but now i really really regret it. I cant change people’s perspective on me now after all this showing off. I’m also afraid normal girls might ran away seeing me like this.

    I feel like i’ve been showing myself as a money spender on social media. Deep in my heart i really hate that closest friend because he teach me this…

    #358416
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    If you posted that photo because you look good in it, then you were not bragging about eating in a fancy restaurant. You are not responsible for the possibility that someone seeing the photo will think that you are bragging about the restaurant. Point is: you didn’t.

    Your friend  that you say you hate, he gave you the wrong advice. Maybe he meant to help you but was simply wrong.

    anita

    #358439
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Before i post that photo i knew that there is a possibility that people might think i’m showing off, but i still post it and end up regret it. How should i stop myself from thinking of this regret

    Do u think that friend of mine is one of the category of “negative friend”. Idk why he likes if im showing off too like him, why do u think he wants me to show off too?

    #358454
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You wrote post before last: “At first I feel happy to show people of this pic because I look good in there”- doesn’t this mean that you posted the pic because you wanted to show people you (your face/ body) looking good?

    In your recent post you wrote: “Before I post that photo I knew that there is a possibility that people might thin I’m showing off”- but you are not responsible for what people might think. If you posted the pic because you liked how you look in it, then that was your motivation, not to brag regarding eating in the fancy restaurant.

    Regarding your friend, you wrote that he likes to show off and he likes it if you show off too, and you asked me why he wants you to show off too. If he is your friend, then talk with him about the topic of showing off and bragging regarding material wealth, ask him if he likes it that you brag and if he says that he does, ask him why. Let me know how the conversation goes.

    anita

    #360045
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    He likes to brag because he’s financially able to do that, and it also helps in improving his confidence… therefore he suggest me that to improve my confidence.

    And btw regarding height, i saw most of girls that i know posted a video of their boys criteria, in which it’s more taller than them. Whereas i’m the same height with most of them… i used to start feeling okay with my height which is mostly same with majority of girls… but when they posted that my insecurity came back… and i feel so bad about it. What should i do? It feels like my options are limited

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Felix.
    #360061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    Most women do want to date men who are taller than them, as far as I know. So what you observed is true (“most of girls that I know posted a video of their boys criteria, in which it’s more taller than me”).

    But height is not the only criterion in the dating world, there are other criteria such as women who want to date honest men, empathetic men, intelligent men, modest men (men who don’t brag!), or in the physical arena: men who smell good, men with a nice smile, etc.. Therefore tall men get rejected when they don’t fit other criteria.

    Although height does limit men who are shorter, there are other criteria that can benefit men in the dating world. Your recent post reminds me of a comedy show I watched online recently, a Trevor Noah comedy show (maybe you can find it). He was talking about being at the airport and an airport security man who was very short but so confident that he looked (the comedian’s words) as if he purposefully grew short. So that’s another criterion: the appearance of self confidence. Most women find it very attractive.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
    #360106
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Due to what i observe that girls prefer boys who are taller, i develop a hatred towards any girls who posted anything in which saying/ stating that they prefer boys who are taller than them… i feel like when they state that they could affect shorter boys confidence (like me) like we cant do anything about it.. and when we want to have the same height or maybe even some want taller girls.. i really hate that kind of girl, as i feel they look down on someone like me.

    And i also agree when you said that there are other criteria that would benefit men… i tried but i just seem to cant improve my personality, i still cant initiate a conversation to someone that i just barely know or new stranger that i just make friends with.

    Even with this insecurity, till now i still havent met someone new… i cant even develop feelings to anyone. And in my town using dating apps is useless as nobody uses it here. I’m also afraid to go to large places that i have to go barefoot (Like swimming pool). Because i have to go barefoot and im so insecure of it… in which every where i go i wear shoes that make me about 2-3cm taller and i feel really calm and happy when i wear it. I keep thinking of ways where i can have this 2-3cm if i really need to go to one of my friends house.. where i have to go barefoot.

     

    #360108
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “I developed a hatred towards any girls who posted anything in which saying/ stating that they prefer boys who are taller than them”- I understand how you developed this hatred, but I want to point out to you that the girls that post a height requirement regarding dating are not doing anything wrong.

    I also understand your frustration with your difficulty initiating conversations with women and acting confidently. But you can make progress, little by little, very gradually and patiently.

    Regarding you not feeling comfortable when not wearing shoes with 2-3 cm heels- lots of people feel more comfortable with clothes, shoes,  make up etc. that make them look better.

    I wish you felt comfortable barefoot on hot summer days, so that you can enjoy a cool swimming pool though!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
    #357412
    Angel K
    Participant

    I think you should do what you consider useful for yourself. If you don’t want to do aquariums, tell your father about it.

    I hope he understands.

    #362064
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Thanks for your advice, recently i’m feeling a bit better regarding my height (i hope it keeps getting better in the future)

    Recently i’ve posted a post of a pic indicating that i’m promoting a house for sale (like a marketing advertising of property to help my father sell houses, because it’s his business). But one of my friend commented that he thought that im now working as a property agent, in which im not as im working with my dad to sell houses and i’ve explained to her.

    But i saw that there are 200 people that have seen my post and i’m afraid most of them will thought that i’m a real property agent/marketing for advertising like that.
    What i’m afraid is that i used to always wear branded outfits, and if they thought that i’m a property agent they might thought the outfit im wearing is fake.
    Am i thinking too much regarding this posts? I have difficulty sleeping thinking about this, after one of my friend commented like that. As my intention of posting that is to help my father, and also to show that this is my family business.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 55 total)

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