Hey again Anita- you are so insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I think you are right and there could be some connection between the child molestation and my ex’s homosexual encounters. I never had an issue with homosexuals in my entire life. For me what happened was that those 6 years I were with my ex felt like the hardest years of my life and it just was like the icing on the cake that he was cheating on me on a gay site. During the 6 years we were together he was very emotionally and sexually abusive. The sexual abuse from him was him demanding sex from me and getting angry when I wouldnt want to or be too tired. I think during those 6 years I started to believe that that was the only value I provided. It broke my heart that he was cheating on me on a gay site, because it was a hookup app and there is no way he would have ever told me the truth. I believe that is what terrifies me now, is I know the extent to which someone who go to cover up something they are embarrassed about. I begged him to tell me the truth when this happened and I also told him I would love him no matter what. I calmly told him I had been a loving girlfriend to him for years and I deserved to know who he was cheating on me with. He made up a bunch of lies and I could tell he was in emotional turmoil. Very quickly after the emotional turmoil he was showing, he became angry and wanted revenge for me leaving him.

One other thing I did not mention in my past messages is that after my mom and dad divorced when I was 10, he immediatly started seeing another woman. This woman had a daughter my age. They became like a second family to me for 7 years. His girlfriend was like a mother to me. One day she called me and told me that my father had come into her daughters room (the girl my age) and touched her. She ended up leaving my father. It was that day that I realized something was very wrong with the men in my family on my fathers side.

I just never anticipated that after I left my ex of 6 years that I would meet someone who treats me amazing and then have this mental breakdown. The day I thought he looked at a guys butt, I remember it just felt like my world was crashing down. Since then the push away and pull back I have done to him has done a number to my mental state. My pattern is like 2 weeks of him and I talking and being very affectionate, followed by me having a panic attack and breaking up with him. I explained to him last week that I think I need some time where we dont talk to get my brain back to a better place. I really hope that it happens. I just feel like my brain is raw right now. Have you ever heard of someone taking a break from a relationship to find that it changes the way they think about the relationship? I just want to have hope that maybe someday I can come back to him when things feel better and I am stronger.