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Kayla

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  • #355570
    Kayla
    Participant

    Anita I just struggle so much to know what steps to take. I also feel guilt because I wish I could make things work with the good guy and try to push through the anxiety when we are together, but I just dont feel strong enough to do that. Do you think thats avoidance? I dont want to avoid the relationship it just seems like it has already been 10 months of me having break downs and I dont think I can handle them anymore.

    I was thinking taking time from the relationship and continuing therapy is my initial plan. Maybe the next step will come to me then.

    #355562
    Kayla
    Participant

    Hey again Anita- you are so insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I think you are right and there could be some connection between the child molestation and my ex’s homosexual encounters. I never had an issue with homosexuals in my entire life. For me what happened was that those 6 years I were with my ex felt like the hardest years of my life and it just was like the icing on the cake that he was cheating on me on a gay site. During the 6 years we were together he was very emotionally and sexually abusive. The sexual abuse from him was him demanding sex from me and getting angry when I wouldnt want to or be too tired. I think during those 6 years I started to believe that that was the only value I provided. It broke my heart that he was cheating on me on a gay site, because it was a hookup app and there is no way he would have ever told me the truth. I believe that is what terrifies me now, is I know the extent to which someone who go to cover up something they are embarrassed about. I begged him to tell me the truth when this happened and I also told him I would love him no matter what. I calmly told him I had been a loving girlfriend to him for years and I deserved to know who he was cheating on me with. He made up a bunch of lies and I could tell he was in emotional turmoil. Very quickly after the emotional turmoil he was showing, he became angry and wanted revenge for me leaving him.

    One other thing I did not mention in my past messages is that after my mom and dad divorced when I was 10, he immediatly started seeing another woman. This woman had a daughter my age. They became like a second family to me for 7 years. His girlfriend was like a mother to me. One day she called me and told me that my father had come into her daughters room (the girl my age) and touched her. She ended up leaving my father. It was that day that I realized something was very wrong with the men in my family on my fathers side.

    I just never anticipated that after I left my ex of 6 years that I would meet someone who treats me amazing and then have this mental breakdown. The day I thought he looked at a guys butt, I remember it just felt like my world was crashing down. Since then the push away and pull back I have done to him has done a number to my mental state. My pattern is like 2 weeks of him and I talking and being very affectionate, followed by me having a panic attack and breaking up with him. I explained to him last week that I think I need some time where we dont talk to get my brain back to a better place. I really hope that it happens. I just feel like my brain is raw right now. Have you ever heard of someone taking a break from a relationship to find that it changes the way they think about the relationship? I just want to have hope that maybe someday I can come back to him when things feel better and I am stronger.

    #355408
    Kayla
    Participant

    Hey Anita & Ravi, I appreciate your kind words very much.

    Anita- I do remember my abuse. I was only 6 and I remember probably 3 instances of abuse. It was not severe abuse as some people suffer but it definitely was molestation. As a little girl I knew my grandfather was doing something wrong so after it happened about 3 times (I think he was grooming me), I knew even as a little girl I had to stay away from him. So I would not sit on his lap when he asked and I would lock my bedroom door at night if I stayed the night. I kept myself away from him anyway I could. The sad thing is I never told anyone and 8 years later, he molested my little sister.
    my parents handled things in not the best way. My parents were divorced. My mom called some authority and got my grandpa on a child molester database. This was my dads father and what hurt me the most is my dad did not act like he cared after he found out. I always felt my dad loved me until the moment I saw him after all th is happened and he said “your grandpa made a mistake and you have to forgive him”. Then my grandparents bought me a car and my dad pushed me to see them again. It was heart breaking. My dad continued to bring my grandpa around my sister and I and we just all pretended nothing happened. My mom knew but I think she was afraid of my dad because after they divorced he had some monetary control over her. The thing is I love my dad and this is just something I buried.

    When I think about the gay issue, I think you are right that my anxiety is living in that issue. I also think from a vanity standpoint, I want a man to want me sexually and having my ex be interested in men was a huge blow to my self esteem.

    it’s so hard because I love this new guy but my body goes into severe fight or flight and I come up with reasons he could be gay.

    Ravi- I will have to check out EFT. I have never heard of that before. I think EMDR is similar in that it is supposed to change your brain. I will ask my EDMR therapist about EFT to see if she does it. I do think I have PTSD, but it feels so real when it happens. It feels like my new guy is actually going to betray me and I don’t think I could survive it.

     

    #355260
    Kayla
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Anita you summed it up really well and got all the details right. I have considered I have ptsd.  I think it I shockingly have ptsd from not only what my ex (Chris) did but when I thought I saw the new guy (Aaron) looking at a mans butt. It was really scary that I had such a mental breakdown and I completely acknowledge that it does seem crazy that I got so upset from thinking he was looking at a guy in a sexual interest. I did about 5 months of CBT but I felt my therapist was kind of dismissing my issue with the gay betrayal. I also felt like talk therapy was not working well for me anymore as I thought actual changes may have happened in my brain. In January   I started EMDR. It’s been helpful but a struggle for me to calm myself. I get into this headspace where I feel like I can’t deal with the stress and the exhaustion it causes me  so I push him away so I don’t have to deal with it. One thing I feel like is that maybe I need time away from him to get my head more  clear. I think actual changes happened in my brain so Im processing possible non threats as threats.  I feel like I need time to let my brain heal bc I try too get back with him and he’s so loving but then I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. It’s so frustrating and exhausting and I’m so sad and defeated.</p>

    #355100
    Kayla
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I really appreciate you replying. Its just good to know someone will read what I wrote and have thoughts on it.

    #355092
    Kayla
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Thank you for responding. We have never been angry at each other. When I tell him I cant take my anxiety anymore, I am usually coming from a very sad and distressed place. He has never been angry at me which still shocks me given that I have left him so many times. He always tells me he wants me to come back to him and that he is never angry at me because he knows that I am trying really hard by being in therapy. He also knows what I went through was very hard so hes very sympathetic. We both are just usually very sad.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)