Dear Matthew:

I am having some time this morning, so I looked for your previous thread, I wasn’t sure that you deleted it. I found out that you indeed deleted it. I do have a record of some of our communication earlier in the year and I will share part of it that I think is relevant, but I will not mentioning your previous username or any details that you didn’t mention yourself on this thread:

I wrote to you a few months ago, on your other thread: “As a young child you adjusted well to your parents: they wanted you to do well in school and you did (‘I’ve had straight A’s’), they wanted you to not cause them any trouble, and you accommodated them (‘I didn’t cause much trouble’), they wanted you to always be very polite and respectful and you were these things (‘was always very respectful’). As a young child you played with other children and you felt that you belonged (‘felt I belonged to the world I was part of’). Then school started and you didn’t belong there… many people your age .. thought of you as weak for not acting aggressively from time to time..(‘I was never involved in fights’)… They should have taught you to be assertive.. to stand up for yourself effectively, to talk confidently, to carry yourself confidently, and .. be prepared to protect yourself when attacked and hit back when necessary…

When you were appreciated by your peers at university, like you wrote, ‘it was a little too late because that loser feeling and the thought that I am not wanted by others’ was already established earlier in your life, at elementary school. Maybe if you learn to act assertively now, you will be less afraid of being considered a loser by others, and overall, you will be less afraid.”

After I sent you the above, you responded: “you misunderstood some things I had written.. My parents did teach me to stand up to myself.. The school I went to wasn’t particularly aggressive… I should blame myself for not being smart or strong enough.. I agree that I need to learn to be assertive but I don’t know how to do that now. What’s the way?”

My answer to you at the time was: “.. You studied a lot in your life, passed tests, got A’s- but those tests did not involve emotional learning. Academic learning is easy and fast to those with academic ability, but emotional learning, no matter how intelligent you are, is a different ball game.”

Your response: “I would like to embark on an emotional learning journey.. start a new post”, and you did, this thread titled Emotional Learning Journey.

Sometime in the beginning of your new thread you wrote: “I remember being a very happy child. I was loved by everybody. I was calm, smart, I loved playing with Lego, making puzzles, watching cartoons.. In kindergarten things were good, I enjoyed playing with others and I felt that they did too with me”.

Next, after kindergarten, “in school I kept being mocked.. I was stopped on the street by a boy who  is known to being a trouble maker and he poured a drink on me just for fun. That has made me become afraid of going out in the street alone… I didn’t feel safe on the street because of that experience (and some other similar ones), and I didn’t feel quite well at school either because I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others.. I’ve always wished I had that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down..when I was around 10 years old.. every morning before going to  school I woke up feeling sick because of nervousness and a few times I even threw up. It went  on like this for weeks. It was a fear mixed with anxiety.”-

I want you to, take  on your emotional learning journey as the leader: show me the way in this journey of yours. You figure out what these quotes mean and what is helpful  for you to  do next (not just to think, but to do).

anita

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