Dear loveandkisses…

I can relate almost completely. I too have had few experiences with guys and the one guy I became intimate with turned out to be uninterested in a longer term relationship with me. It took me a very long time to realize this and I was guilty of obsession as well! For me, it was stalking his Spotify, heh.

The funny thing was, until he rejected me romantically, I wasn’t too interested in stalking his online profiles.

He was an “artist” too. Cute, funny, pretty socially awkward. Has a band, likes to read.
And as I later found out, had been making the sexual rounds at school and had hurt a couple other women before me.

I was honest with him from the beginning about having little experience, he being my first time, etc. I’m 28F and he is 29.

Anyway, here is my two cents worth…

He is very likely not worth your present mental anguish. In fact, I guarantee he is not.
As you say, your relationship “percolated” for a while via text. In this period you may have built up a dream image of him and over-valued his interest in you/your interest in him. Something similar happened to me, and it helped to turn some of those red flags pinkish… if you get my meaning.

The “teenagery” approach to intimacy with you is a good sign that he is a bit of a fuckboi. In my experience, it’s not just cute shyness on the part of the guy who treats you this way, it’s a sign that he views you less as a person and more as a sexual conquest. This is not to say that he is inherently “bad” (it’s probably largely biological). But what is bad for you (as was bad for me) is that you want more than a casual, sexual relationship with him.

And in terms of being confused, turned on, and also let down by the sex. That’s normal. You were turned on because you did like him. But being confused and let down probably also means something inside your body was saying “I don’t like this.” I can remember being with my fuckboi and thinking, “Wow, he’s a bit aggressive. I think I like this?” and then the next morning, waking up and just feeling gross. Yeah, not great. Oftentimes our heads seem to try and override what our bodies are telling us about how we feel. This may explain your confusion.

I fear that for many people casual, hookup culture is damaging since it suggests those of us who are more serious and want proper communication, respect, etc., from our partners come across as crazy, clingy, and desperate when things inevitably go awry. This isn’t to say hookup culture is all bad (for some people, it’s great fun!). But for those of us who aren’t about the casual sex thing, it can be really hurtful to get caught up in this cycle. This is why good communication and honesty are incredibly important.

Your artsy-fuckboi is likely challenged communications-wise. Even if he seems sensitive and emotional (as my person did), I’m willing to be he is also pretty self-absorbed.

It sounds like you did your very best to be up front with him from the beginning. You did nothing wrong.
He is probably not thinking about you as much as you are thinking about him.
Try to stop the damage from continuing (you could call it a poisonous influence) by stopping obsessing over him. I know this is hard in these quarantine/social distancing times but, do your very best.

Don’t let yourself continue to be a victim.

Love, LW