Hi anita,

Sorry for the very late reply.

My family situation is a little complicated. It is not as dramatic as the stories of other people, I always thought I was very lucky so never felt I had the right to complain.

I grew up in a middle-high class family, always went to private schools and never missed a thing that I needed. But it all came at a price. My dad was as he called himself ‘el patron’ (the boss), he wanted absolute loyalty and obedience for having given us the life he gave. Having an opinion he did not agree with, wanting things he did not want for us or being too independent was absolutely off the table. He cares a lot about appearances, so everything had to seem perfect to the outside world, from the perfect house and car to his kids (we are 4). In private however we tip toed around him our whole lives and I can honestly say we are definitely damaged because of it.

I guess my tendency to eat comes from the the same. For him how you look physically is extremely important. Since I was 11 he would make me run on a threadmill because I was a little chubby (as little kids can be tho now I look normal), he would comment on everything that I ate and if I would gain a little bit of weight he would be sure to let me know (still does). When I was a teenager I had a bit of an anorexia problem (he never noticed) and I was obsessed with excercising, which he was very proud of. Now I would say I am very self aware of my image and never truly feel good in my skin unless I am excercising a lot and am crazy fit, tho it has gotten much better I do tend to eat emotionally.

His relationship with my mom is very toxic, they call themselves a ‘team’ but that is not how it is. She has pretty much never been allowed to have a life (friends, opinions, independence) and has always had to be on his side in arguments because otherwise he would go crazy. I love her, but I can not be too close to her because anything I tell her is like directly telling my dad, she is like his little spy so I can just not trust her with my personal things. I would say my relationship with my parents is very superficial and I have become an expert at pretending, because showing them who I really am was never really an option. My brothers completely show them who they are and my dad hates them for it, he cannot accept we have advanced to a point where we dont need anything from him.

I guess this gives you an idea of how things are, it happens to a lot of people. I have reflected a lot on how this has made me who I am and it is pretty clear to me. How is makes me deal with food, how it makes me pretend I am someone else with guys, and how it makes me need their constant approval and attenion. But what I am trying to work on now is how to just let that go of what made me this way and focus on the future and who I want to be. Try to really see myself for who I am without all the pretending. Easier said then done.

By the way, the guy I initially started the threat about has left the country and I am taking this as an opportunity to not date at all and focus on myself (he will be back for a month in august so maybe then we can hang out a bit again). I have a lot of things to work on before I even consider dating again tho I do admit I miss having a guy to text, see, spend time with…it feels like a detox