Dear blkhwkdwn1:

But she has a guy so what’s the point?”- the point is to do justice for yourself, to honor yourself by expressing yourself honestly and authentically with the woman you value so much, and for so long.

“Would probably annoy her”- expressing yourself honestly and authentically is not  likely to annoy her. What is likely to annoy her are the things you said to her that already annoyed her, for example: “Whatever I did to you I am sorry but I guess you no longer wanna talk anymore now that you paid me back”, and “I just had a huge panic attack for over an hour finding out you’re on FB”- these are annoying messages! And she expressed so herself when she replied to you with “Pat! Please prefer not to hear this”!

“Would probably .. kinda ruin things”- what things are there to ruin? You’ve been complaining about how unsatisfactory things are with her since September 2016.

And if you had an over an hour long panic attack most recently over her being on Facebook, what peace of mind is there to ruin???

Look, blkhwkdwn1, don’t overlook this post that you are reading right now. Pay attention: you have to become honest not only with her but with yourself, so that you can get out of  this 2016-2020 emotional purgatory: a place of in-between. You love her like a man loves a woman, a lover and partner in life. You believe that you don’t deserve her. So you .. make believe that you want her as a friend.

I want  you to tell her what it is  that you really want. You can start by telling her that you believe that you have no chance of getting what you want, and that your purpose is  just this one: to express yourself to her honestly and authentically.

On September 18, 2016, you wrote: “I’m so toxic inside I really can’t get help.. I feel I deserve the pain I am getting… Every day I live I feel like poison. I also think she deserves someone better than me in her life”. Next I asked you why you believe that you deserve to suffer, suggesting that you tell me or a psychotherapist. You answered the day after, Sept 19, 2016: : “Not going down that road.”-

– Maybe it’s  time to go just a bit that road of telling me why you feel like poison. Maybe not. It is your choice.

Please think thoroughly about this very post that you are reading, take your time and answer me best you are able.

anita

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