May 31, 2020 at 7:38 pm #357338
Alright, this is how it went.
Me: Let’s talk in the next few days, not up for a facetime call right nowthough so just a regular call
Me: Hope your day goes well
Me: Uhhhhh…Whatever I did to you I am sorry but I guess you no longer wanna talk anymore now that you paid me back :/
Her: Pat! please prefer not to hear this..I’m at work since you messaged earlier, my phone was on silent..don’t take personal, sorry I take a while to answer back sometimes. Sure let’s chat soon.
Me:Fine call me later for a few mins to clear this up, I just had a huge panic attack for over an hour finding out you’re on FB while I am thinking holy shit I’m a fuckin retard
Her: Really sorry you feel that way! I care for you as a friend but I am not really up for a phone call today..just about to have my last person then drive home..all good buddy. I’d say relax bout it but I totally know how it feels. Sorry again. But also I didn’t do anything wrong buddy.
Me: Alright well I guess I’ll try calling you later this week before your guy arrives on the 5th if you’re still up to talking on the phone, if not maybe July.
Her: Ok have a good night Pat!
Me: I’ll try but I am still bummed out. You as well…
Me: I’m sorry, later
I JUST want things to be like before, where I didn’t have to wait ALL DAY for a reply back, we would message each other in the morning for a few minutes and the rest of my day would be much better, it got me through my shitty days along with her really wanting to talk on the phone for a long time and spend time together like friends are supposed to do. I am just gonna tell her…
“I just miss how our friendship used to be where we would text for a few minutes in the morning and my day would instantly be better because I am feeling really connected to this awesome person and it’s getting me through my shitty days and how we had those really long 45 minute to 1 hour phone calls and how invested both of us were and now it feels like the complete opposite and I can’t help being stuck left in the past rather then moving forward but I fear if I moved forward we would never talk or see each other again”.June 1, 2020 at 6:02 am #357358
* “I messaged her again early and again she never messaged me back… Me: Let’s talk in the next few days… 6 hours later .. she’s posting on her FB”-
– you messaged her to talk in the next few days, so no wonder she didn’t message you back six hours later. In the next few days means in the next 24 hours, 48 hours, or 72 hours. If you wanted her to call you in the next hour, you should have messaged: Let’s talk in the next hour.
..”I’ll try calling you later this week before your guy arrives on the 5th if you’re still up to talking on the phone, if not maybe July”-
– on one hand you want her to message/ call you back as soon as possible, urgently; on the other hand you communicate to her that there is no urgency at all, that it’s okay with you if she answers you in a few days, and even a whole month away- in July!
* Me: “Whatever I did to you I am sorry but I guess you no longer wanna talk anymore now that you paid me back… I just had a huge panic attack for over an hour finding out you’re on FB”
Her: Pat! Please prefer not to hear this.. I am at work since you messaged earlier, my phone was on silent… don’t take it personal, sorry I take a while to answer back sometimes. Sure let’s chat soon… Really sorry you feel that way! I care for you as a friend but I am not really up for a phone call today.. all good buddy. I’d say relax about it but I totally know how it feels. Sorry again. But also I didn’t do anything wrong buddy.. Ok have a good night Pat!.. I’m sorry, later”-
-You were very upset and disturbed, and she was calm and sensible, patient, honest and kind to you. She is an unusual person, many in her shoes would have gotten upset. Like I suggested, you communicated no urgency to her while feeling very urgent, and then when she didn’t respond urgently.. you got very upset. So I agree with her that she didn’t do anything wrong.
“I JUST want things to be like before, where I didn’t have to wait ALL DAY for a reply back”- if you don’t want to wait ALL DAY, don’t message her that it’s okay with you to talk in a few days or in a month!
* I read what you want to tell her next: “I just miss how our friendship used to be…”. The problem I see is that you don’t communicate with her well: what is happening in your mind and heart is often not what you are communicating to her. Overall, it is my impression that you calculate a lot: what to tell her, what not to tell her, so to not appear needy or whatnot, and the result is that you don’t tell her your truth.
* What is available to you with her is some kind of a friendship. It is and will not be all that you want it to be, but if you communicate with her honestly, you will be elevating this friendship to a higher quality than it is now. I think she is patient enough and special enough to respond well to you telling her honestly what it is that is happening in your mind and heart.
June 1, 2020 at 3:18 pm #357379
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
Yeah I figured a reply back was pretty much a given, normally is. I normally say “let’s talk today”, sometimes “let’s talk in the next few days” or “let’s talk this week”, I keep thinking back to page 30 where she really was into talking to me
Me: Hello was thinking of calling before your trip to say wassup if you aint busy. If you are that’s cool, another time.
Her: Yes please call 🙂
She was SOOOO into talking to me in those months, it was great talking to her but now it’s like “ok sounds good”. Somebody REALLY wanted to talk to me and enjoyed it I felt it besides just me enjoying it. Once she was sad we did not talk that night because it was late and I was tired. Perhaps she was into me back then I dunno, it was definatly a wild ride thinking back. Also that time she said “call me anytime you’re thinking of me”, like I said perhaps she was really into me back then and I never made my move and this guy came out of no where and things changed between us massivly.
I got upset because a notification pops up on the screen saying who text and I feel she keeps not wanting to message me but is ok going on facebook. Every time I see her she’s on her phone texting away and takes all day for me now.
As for the next part, I was meaning to talk on the phone. Either the next few days we can talk on the phone or July as a means for this to blow over
What’s available to me is phone calls every few weeks sometimes and atleast 1 or 2 hangout a year and that’s pretty much it, what I asked for years ago that’s every month I wont get, her friend next door will get it though. Just going to be like this from now on now that she has a guy and moved away.June 1, 2020 at 4:02 pm #357383
Also I was going to ask her back in Dec 2018 my feelings for her but a guy at my work told me not to, she’s got a lot on her plate and she really just needs a friend right now, so I didn’t and because of it I will regret it forever. I eventually casually told her that I used to like her and it went away and feelings came back when I found out she had a guy and she kept saying how flattered she is.June 1, 2020 at 4:19 pm #357386
Sept 19, 2016 (page 1 f your 63 page thread): “we used to text each other every day, now it’s once a week so maybe she was only there for me because this issue then it’s back to not talking or something, so maybe there really is no friendship there”-
– On Sept 19, 2016, your friendship with her was 3 weeks old, you wrote to her on that day: “thanks for the awesome 3 weeks we were friends”.
June 1, 2020 (page 63 of your 63 page thread): “She was SOOOOO into talking to me in those months”
— 3 weeks into the friendship (Sept 2016) she was texting you once a week.. meaning the two of you texted every other day for the first week or two only, then once a week. Almost four years later, you remember things differently: that the two of you communicated frequently for months.
Today you wrote regarding her boyfriend: “this guy came out of nowhere and things changed between us massively”- three weeks into the friendship you were dissatisfied with the frequency of the contact between the two of you and that was a few years before he showed up in her life.
In my recent post to you I suggested that you communicate honestly with her but you didn’t respond to my suggestion. You and her (and you and I) have been repeating ourselves, going in circles. Is there any way to break through the circle barrier and venture out, experience something better?
anitaJune 1, 2020 at 4:47 pm #357389
I dunno any other way to message her that I wanna talk with her except “let’s talk today/few days/this week when you’re not busy”. What should I say? Also what do you mean by “Is there any way to break through the circle barrier and venture out, experience something better?”?June 1, 2020 at 5:49 pm #357394
To break through the circle barrier, I mean for you to communicate differently with her, different from the same-old-same-old. How about you writing her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, all in one page. You can do a first draft knowing you will not be sending her that draft, so don’t edit it according to what you think you should or shouldn’t write- write it all from the heart! And send it to me if you want, I will go through it with my … truth detector. After deciding on a final draft- send it to her.
anitaJune 1, 2020 at 7:11 pm #357401
But she has a guy so what’s the point? Would probably annoy her I told her and kinda ruin things. If she ever moved away to that far away place I told you about I would likely say my goodbyes and tell her since I wont see her again and rather not communicate via phone only, likely wont be able to text her anymore from the distance and I refuse to get FB and would request a last hangout.June 2, 2020 at 7:25 am #357424
But she has a guy so what’s the point?”- the point is to do justice for yourself, to honor yourself by expressing yourself honestly and authentically with the woman you value so much, and for so long.
“Would probably annoy her”- expressing yourself honestly and authentically is not likely to annoy her. What is likely to annoy her are the things you said to her that already annoyed her, for example: “Whatever I did to you I am sorry but I guess you no longer wanna talk anymore now that you paid me back”, and “I just had a huge panic attack for over an hour finding out you’re on FB”- these are annoying messages! And she expressed so herself when she replied to you with “Pat! Please prefer not to hear this”!
“Would probably .. kinda ruin things”- what things are there to ruin? You’ve been complaining about how unsatisfactory things are with her since September 2016.
And if you had an over an hour long panic attack most recently over her being on Facebook, what peace of mind is there to ruin???
Look, blkhwkdwn1, don’t overlook this post that you are reading right now. Pay attention: you have to become honest not only with her but with yourself, so that you can get out of this 2016-2020 emotional purgatory: a place of in-between. You love her like a man loves a woman, a lover and partner in life. You believe that you don’t deserve her. So you .. make believe that you want her as a friend.
I want you to tell her what it is that you really want. You can start by telling her that you believe that you have no chance of getting what you want, and that your purpose is just this one: to express yourself to her honestly and authentically.
On September 18, 2016, you wrote: “I’m so toxic inside I really can’t get help.. I feel I deserve the pain I am getting… Every day I live I feel like poison. I also think she deserves someone better than me in her life”. Next I asked you why you believe that you deserve to suffer, suggesting that you tell me or a psychotherapist. You answered the day after, Sept 19, 2016: : “Not going down that road.”-
– Maybe it’s time to go just a bit that road of telling me why you feel like poison. Maybe not. It is your choice.
Please think thoroughly about this very post that you are reading, take your time and answer me best you are able.
June 2, 2020 at 4:05 pm #357475
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
Home from work now. Here, what I will do is tell her the truth when we hang out in July, it will just be me and her hanging out for 2-3 hours and at the end when we are about to leave I will tell her that I did not want anyone to forget her so I brought people to her restaurant job but truth was I did not wanna forget her. About that day in the summer when we connected it left a powerful effect on me and I still think of that day and that summer we got really really close like I have never felt a closeness to someone before and we slowed down after a few months then picked it up again in that October and how awesome I felt talking to someone on the phone and it felt like you really really liked talking to me and were sad that night we didn’t after your dance class you taught when I was tired and that trip for your advancement when we had that moment together at the end of the phone call when I told you to call me anytime for good/bad news, just because, etc and I still mean it to this day and I was going to tell you my feelings a long time ago before your guy but someone at work told me you got a lot going on in your life and only connection to the old job and you really need a friend so I sucked it up and was going to eventually tell you but never did and it’s going to be a huge regret in my life even if you didn’t feel the same way, I would have atleast told you that I loved you since pretty much the beginning. When we hung out for our first hike and saw you put makeup on after texting you I was near I thought “maybe she does like me???”, and the phone call when you told me we are always going to be together getting through everything together and when you wanted to see me when I went to a life coach and to call you after to know how it went.
You’re special to me and always will be and I am not trying to say this to you to try and steal you from your guy, I would never do that to anyone nor do I want you or him to hate me, nor me hate either of you, he makes you happy and that’s all that really matters in the end, I really miss the old days when we would text in the morning for a few minutes, it got me through some really tough times and even in those minutes it brought big joy to my day and now you know why I wanna see you more then 1-2 times a year, I am sure if we saw eachother monthly I will still want more and I hope your guy is kind to you and treats you with loving respect and does not stray you from your path, be at peace together, always. Love eachother, grow together, be happy, be kind, be free and never let people change you unless it’s the good kind. Thank you for letting me help you in your darkness and teaching me along the way.
I’ll let you go now, I dunno how things will change between us now but at least I got my truth out, and now you know what’s been eating me alive. I’ll let you think about if you still want to remain friends and give you until August 1st, if I don’t hear back from you by then you wont hear from me again but I will wish you well on your life journey and would understand why you don’t wanna keep communicating.June 2, 2020 at 4:22 pm #357476
What if the guy is with her on that long hike? should I still tell her with him listening?June 2, 2020 at 4:28 pm #357477
This is beautiful.. I am proud of you, blkhwkdwn1, if I may say so, I really am. In this post you are thoroughly honest with yourself and with me. There were times in the past when you expressed yourself this way, honestly, but every so often you get so angry at her and so frustrated that you.. well, your anger masks the love underneath.
I told you before, you are a loving man. Tell her the truth in July then, when it is comfortable for you. Until then, keep it honest, and honest is this: you love her very much.
* regarding your second post: tell her the truth alone, just you and her. If not on a hike than elsewhere, or online in an email, or in a letter, old fashion style.
June 2, 2020 at 4:40 pm #357479
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
Thanks and it’s best to do these things in person rather a text/email/phone call.June 2, 2020 at 4:46 pm #357481
BTW I did tell her a few months back on the phone “maybe 1 day I will tell you why I am the way I am” and she said “Oh”. Anyway I am going to play some games now. She does seem to like when I open up to her about feelings and stuff, like that call late Dec about her darkness and when she told me she’s not scared to die from covid, told me I have such good words. Or when I first told her I want her to be free she said “You want me to be free?” in an OMG!!!!!! type of tone. I guess nobody tells her this stuff. :/
I legit teared up the whole time writing that long post, took me a while to write it thinking back and all.June 2, 2020 at 5:09 pm #357485
Again, I am proud of you. I don’t often use these words, but this is how I feel. I will re-read your two recent posts when I feel refreshed in the morning and reply a bit more in the morning. I hope you enjoy your games.