June 2, 2020 at 7:30 pm #357501
We talked for 34 minutes, it’s going to get dark soon so I told her I am gonna let you go so you can do a little gardening work you wanted to do today but didn’t before it gets dark and you can’t.
I told her how sorry I was, she said no don’t worry about it, it’s just me being me i’m not very good at texting or calling and she was sorry, told her no I want to appologize I dunno what I was thinking and that was a little harsh of me and said I accept your appology and we all have our insecurities including me but I accept your appology and said she likes having me as her friend. Talked about a few people at my work she dearly misses and and loves, and used to always be in touch with but havn’t since the move, told her last summer the one she loves told me she was sad when she moved away with her boyfriend, so told her she should message them and do something with them, she said she will even if it’s a walk from a distance. She really wants to be more social, she misses it and not hanging out with anyone and really wants to start doing cardio everyday. I was inspiring her with things, sent me a video. Talked about her man and things are not all sunshine and rainbows, the wow factor has died down and it’s more them settling down with family stuff now, she wants to settle down more.
Also told me about her best friend that lives far away they recently talked, they normally talk every couple months on the phone. It’s mostly me and her mom that talk, sometimes her daughters for a few minutes. Also other things but that’s the jist of it, told her bye and that we need to talk about the hike next month soon and she said “yeah sure”. I also told her that I try talking atleast 1 maybe 2 times a month and nothing more, I have a problem where I think I am being annoying if I call too much so I prefer it this way and that if we did talk more what would we even talk about? she said no call whenever, that she likes talking to me and she wont get annoyed if we talked more. But I am not going to, I still feel trapped talking on the phone like I am stuck in a box or something even if she does have a really nice voice.
Now it’s time to watch a few videos she text me.June 3, 2020 at 6:14 am #357517
I want to point to four things and suggest what you can learn from these things:
1. You told her (or messaged her) recently: “Whatever I did to you I am sorry”- when you apologize, state specifically what it is that you are apologizing for. Don’t apologize for an unknown, for a whatever.
2. You messaged her: “I guess you no longer wanna talk anymore now that you paid me back”- She responded to it saying “Pat! Please prefer not to hear this”- don’t say it to her again because she told you that she prefers to not hear it. Don’t tell her that you guess she doesn’t want to talk to you, and don’t mention that you guess that she doesn’t want to talk to you because she paid you back.
3. You told her: “I just had a huge panic attack for over an hour finding out you’re on FB”- saying this makes a person hearing it feel bad, as if she is responsible for your panic attack, as if she is guilty and did something wrong going on FB. There is a term to what you did in this sentence, it is called guilt-tripping. Overall, that’s not something you should do to someone you love. If you want to tell her that you were upset that she got on FB before answering your text, tell her just that: I texted you and then noticed you went on FB, so I was upset you didn’t answer my text before going on FB. (No need to mention a panic attack).
4. “told her she should message them and do something with them” (June 2, 2020)
In your original post, the very first post of your thread (Sept 18, 2016), you already tried to push her to socialize with other people. You wrote in that first post: “She misses this 1 guy a lot, so I text him telling him this but to keep it hush hush so she can be happy keeping in contact with him and I feel like I should swap with this 1 guy and exit her life and move on”-
– you keep pushing her to socialize with other people and then you get angry that she socializes with other people. Stop doing that. It is hypocritical to complain that she prefers to socialize with others over you and then push her to socialize with other people!
June 3, 2020 at 11:21 am #357538
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by anita.
Thanks for the tips, i’ll try remembering them in the moment. I guess I should change the words I w ill tell her at the hike from
“I’ll let you think about if you still want to remain friends and give you until August 1st, if I don’t hear back from you by then you wont hear from me again”
“I am gonna take some time away for a while, but if you still wanna talk and see me message me before Aug 1”. I am not going to let her respond to what I will tell her, I am not looking for an answer just a release after all these years, an answer wont mean anything to me because the past is the past and long gone and I am just living in the long gone. After that I think it’s best I let her know to not reach out to me until I reach out when I am ready.June 3, 2020 at 11:43 am #357540
It’s better to not tell her “if you still wanna talk and see me message me before Aug 1”, I don’t think she does well with due dates, and you giving her another due date will cause you lots of frustration because you give her the power to reach out to you- or not- by a particular date.
Telling her “to not reach out to me until I reach out when I am ready” reads like a way better option than the above because you leave the power to yourself- to reach out to her-or not- whenever you want to.
anitaJune 3, 2020 at 12:42 pm #357543
Alright I will say that to her, was thinking of giving it until Jan at least to try and move on a little before coming back and trying to just be her friend.June 3, 2020 at 1:19 pm #357546
“was thinking of giving it until Jan.” – what is it?
June 3, 2020 at 3:11 pm #357552
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by anita.
No contact. I wont say no contact but I wont message her until 2021 as a mean of trying to move on, so 6 months.
Maybe I can do the things she and I have talked about that we both have been wanting to do or doing.June 3, 2020 at 3:32 pm #357555
So it is your plan to not contact her for six months June 2020- Jan 2021. The only way then for you to be in contact with her before Jan 2021 is if she contacts you.
“Maybe I can do things she and I have talked about”- what do you mean by this?
anitaJune 3, 2020 at 3:43 pm #357556
I’m gonna block her from my phone so she wont hear from me period until I am ready to just be friends. I’d still wanna hang out and talk on the phone obviously but I need a break from this all.June 3, 2020 at 5:15 pm #357559
There is no more input that I can give you on the matter of this woman. I gave you all that I had, 64 pages of it, Sept 2016- June 2020. I gave you all my thoughts, all my suggestions over time. I read and re-read your posts many times, doing my best to understand you, her and the situation. I have nothing left.
You are welcome to re-read our communications, study it, re-read my suggestions, learn all you can from these 64 pages. It’s all here, there is nothing I can add to what I already wrote to you.
You are very welcome to start a new thread on another topic: click Forums above, choose a Category, click it, scroll down to the empty box, fill in a new title and a new original post. I will be more than glad to communicate with you on a new thread. In a new thread I will not discuss this woman whom we discussed for almost four years.
I am withdrawing from this thread. You can post here anytime you want, as much as you want, it’s just that I will no longer post on this thread. I hope to read from you on a new thread, when you are able and willing.
You wrote: “I need a break from this all”- I hope you take the break that you need, a break as short or as long as you need it to be. Be good to yourself and, if and when in contact with her, be good to her as well. Communicate with her honestly: don’t guilt trip her, don’t pressure her to text you or call you or to meet with you- be respectful of her right to choose how she spends her time.
June 3, 2020 at 5:50 pm #357561
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by anita.
Alright, thanks for all the help and support in this thread over the years and stay safe over there. 🙂June 3, 2020 at 5:58 pm #357563
You are welcome, blkwhkdwn1. Stay safe yourself and 🙂 back to you!
September 27, 2020 at 2:27 am #367293
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by anita.
I know you wont respond anymore but I just want to say I feel much better now that we no longer use this thread for talking about her, I think trapping myself in here made me lose it myself. We still talk and back in July when my cat was put down i delayed the time we were going to hike that mountain we been trying to do for years but never got around to do it, messaged her in late August and finally 5 days ago we went to the huge mountain for the first time and it took us an hour to go up to the very top, parts near the top we had to hold on tight or we woulda fell to our death and we yelled at the top (my idea). The next day we talked on phone for 10 minutes about how we were feeling, I wanted a really quick talk about how she was doing. She loved the hike a lot and we hugged and took off her shirt with just her bra on lol.
I had an idea I wanted to run by her, she can’t commit to seeing me monthly and that’s fine she lives far away, plus gas costs a lot and commits to her neighbour who’s now one of her best friends all the time (going for dinner, dancing, etc but she loves the company of women over men). She seems to want things to happen to her instead of her make things happen for herself which was my mistake of asking her to do this a month or 2 months from now instead of “hey, let’s do something” so I asked her an idea of mine, that I understand she lives far away and we can’t hang out very much anymore so maybe sometimes after her work shift down the street from me we can walk around the block or something, she said she would really like that. So I fixed my problem, even if it means less time seeing her but more shorter days in a year seeing her. A month ago we talked for 45 minutes, longest talk in a while.
Told her on the phone that I am going to start working on myself and in a few months we could do something, she got an annoyed voice and said for me to call her anytime I want, she really hates when I seem to mention “months”, whatever I got my own things to do and have been doing. Her guy doesn’t care we hang out, he hangs out with other women too, they are just “ok” she tells me. She pretty much always mentions her BFF next door every time we talk, never the guy.
Hope you’re doing well. 🙂 Maybe 1 day in the future i’ll update on things about her or my life or whatever. I just don’t wanna deal with keeping this thread active all the time like I used to, I do NOT miss those days of me dealing with those emotions. Too many things I wanna do instead.May 5, 2021 at 8:58 pm #379253
Hey, long time! Just wanted to say we went no contact for 5 months(my request, wanted to work on myself and said no distractions to her but really just wanted to move on without saying that to her), only came back because I heard she was single, apparently just after we went no contact they broke up (lost his job, they were around each other all the time) but they are best friends and hang out all the time. We hung out last week and hanging out again next week, she wants to see friends more often now she says. Talked on phone 5 times in nearly a month including a few days ago where she was sooooo happy and emotional that we are talking due the things that happened to her that 1 amazing summer we had together and the anniversary of it. Her mother and step mom called and they had a 3 way call going, 1 of her daughters called and she said “and you called today ended up so perfect”, she literally called me a few seconds after I sent a text if I could call her like she had the phone in her hand waiting, ended call before it could have so she could call her other daughter before she passed out, took a while for her to hang up. Guess she really really really wanted to keep talking but it got quiet and awkward and I just wanted to hang up at that point. Trying to call her more often to make sure she’s doing ok before I stop again.
As for me? really depressed, life sucks. Added some pounds on, eating like crap and feeling like crap. Did ask a girl for her number (she asked about me and loved talking to me and laughed a lot) but she wasted my time and text back saying it’s not a good idea so I don’t talk to her anymore when I see her unless it’s “hey”. I don’t act like I am miserable, no point I save it for when I am alone.May 6, 2021 at 12:45 pm #379281
I am making an exception to my decision to not post again on this thread this one time.
I am sorry to read that you are really depressed and that (there seems to be) no improvement in the quality of your emotional and social life.
Almost a year ago, when I wrote to you last, June 2 2020, I wrote regarding your years long obsession of with this woman: “There is no more input that I can give you on the matter of this woman. I gave you all that I had, 64 pages of it, Sept 2016- June 2020… I have nothing left… You are very welcome to start a new thread on another topic.. I will be more than glad to communicate with you on a new thread. In a new thread I will not discuss this woman whom we discussed for almost four years”.
You chose to not start a new thread. But you are still welcome to start a new thread not about her. If you choose to post again on this thread, because I will no longer be posting here, I suggest that you address your next post to other members, ex., “Dear Reader” or “To any member who may be reading this”, so that you will have a better chance of receiving replies from other members. I hope you feel better soon, blkhwdwn1/ Pete.